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Struggling (baby related)
I hope everyone had fun at the GTG this week - I'm sorry I couldn't make it.
I just wanted to vent a bit, I hope that's okay. I'm having a bit of a tough time. For some background, recovering from the unexpected c-section has been harder than I thought. I also (ironically) had some issues from the almost-delivery, since she crowned during the pushing but got stuck. Yesterday I had to have a D&C to clear things out since I've been bleeding heavily since I delivered 7 weeks ago.
I feel like it's been so hard to do this and not feel like myself. I always feel like I'm not doing a good job with her. She's so sweet and I feel like she deserves more than I can give. I'm trying so hard and I feel like it's not enough. So I'm always feeling guilty, even though I'm not really sure what else I could be doing.
I also feel like I'm alone all the time with my husband's work schedule. I'm so lonely. My family is close by but I feel like my mom is always judging me for what I do or don't do with the baby (and the condition of the house). She and my sister say they're there if I need them and just to call, but last night after the surgery when I was in pain and a mess, everyone left. I just wanted someone to stay with me; I physically could've used someone when she got fussy and wouldn't sleep (the positions she likes are of course the most physically demanding ones to hold her in), and I really mentally needed someone to be there. (I realize how ungrateful this sounds, please don't flame me. I know she's my baby and my responsibility.)
Anyway, I'm just struggling and feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. I only have one more week of leave and I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle leaving her. And she generally doesn't go down for the night until late and I'll need to be up really early for work in order to be out in time to get home before my husband has to leave. He'll be with her when she's all sweet and awake; I'll get her night crankiness.
Sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it out. Thanks for "listening."
It took 5 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, but our FET worked!
My pregnancy after Infertility Blog
Our baby girl was born on April 27, 2011!
Re: Struggling (baby related)
Aww, Jill, you brought tears to my eyes....Obviously I have no experience but I am sure everything you are feeling is completely normal and warranted. Do not feel guilty. April deserves everything you can give her and that's exactly what you are doing. Try not to be so hard on yourself. And ask for help when you need it. Sometimes people don't want to be a bother and think you want to be left alone when in reality its the opposite. And try to speak up when you feel your mom is passing judgment. Tell her you are doing your best and that sometimes her comments hurt your feelings, I am sure she is not trying to hurt you on purpose.
I'm sorry you are feeling so down, I hope you feel better soon.
Jill, I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. Having a newborn is a huge adjustment, and being home alone on maternity leave is HARD! I didn't have a rough delivery like yours with any of my kids, but I can tell you that I often spent a lot of my days at home with DS in tears for a good part of it. I can't imagine having the physical issues that you've had from the c-section, and then also dealing with the sleep deprivation and the crazy PP hormones, oh my! I think that your feelings of inadequacy are all very normal ones. Hugs!!!!
Recovering from having a baby is really hard. And then you have to add adjusting to taking care of a newborn on top of that. Oh, and there's the getting-absolutely-no-sleep issue. The first few months are really, really difficult. But you WILL get through them.
If you feel like you need help, you need to ask for it. Ask your family, ask your friends. Most folks tend to give new parents a little space, not realizing that jumping in and helping can be really appreciated. They just don't know what you need and don't want to overstep. Maybe it's as simple as coming by and hanging out for a few hours, so you can nap and shower. Maybe they love to do laundry and wouldn't mind doing a few loads for you. Maybe they just like to hold the baby -- tell them when it'd be most helpful to you. After I had my son, my cousin came to visit for a few days and offered to clean my bathroom for me. It's little stuff like that that helps you get through.
As far as going back to work, that's also hard. Especially before the baby's really sleeping for long stretches. Once my son dropped the overnight feedings (I breastfed), my husband and I split the overnights. If the baby was up before 2am, I took care of getting him back down. If it was after 2am, it was on my husband. Finding some way to get parity in the parenting can help you maintain your sanity.
Finally, if you're feeling so overwhelmed, depressed, etc., that you feel like it's affecting your ability to care for your daughter, talk to your doctor. Lots of women deal with depression after childbirth. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. But make sure you take care of yourself, so you can take care of your baby.
Hang in there. It gets easier.
Jen
Oh Jill.
You are doing everything you can for that little girl and you are doing the best job. It must get so frustrating for you. I'm here if ever you need me! xoxo
((Hugs)) Jill.
What you are feeling is so normal... Just keep reminding yourself of that. It is sooo overwhelming at first, but things will get easier.. I promise!
Oh Jill - sending hugs your way. As Plammy mentioned totally normal feelings. I felt the same way - I wasn't ever good enough, etc. and G had colic really bad so when went back to work, they got the good her at daycare and I came home to screaming made G. She just recently started sleeping well after I finally did CIO even though I didn't want to.
I know you are in a lot of pain from the c-section and the D&C likely, but try to make the most of next week if you can and get outside - maybe just go for a walk in the park or the zoo to get out. The outside air will do you both a wonderful gift I promise!
Totally don't be afraid to ask for help and ask for people to stay. At least you have that...The offers for help I got were hard to take up and not convenient for me and to this day I always struggle with getting someone to watch G for me when I need some me time.
You have to do what's right and best for you so you can be the best mommy to her. You being happy and calm is the best thing for her, so take a little time to destress and just be there for her and breathe every moment in.
And I always read the quotes about 10 years from now (hell a week from now) no one will remember the house was dirty and the dishes weren't done.
I'm so sorry that you're having trouble with the recovery still. I've been struggling and I have been so fortunate that recovery has gone well for me so far. You should not feel bad or guilty for wanting help, especially since your DH works at night and after you've had more surgery! Just because she is your baby doesn't mean she should be solely your responsibility.
I have no real advice, but if you want to vent more feel free to email or call! I'm also happy to come to you next time we meet up, if that's easier. And if that happens, I expect the house to be messy!
Hi Jill! Just wanted to concur with the other ladies that everything you're going through is completely normal. I would so far as to say that the newborn stage SUCKS. People might flame me for that, but that was my experience - with BOTH kids. Why do you think I spaced them so much? I wasn't ready to go through that again. And the second time around sent me to Butler! I can (somewhat) laugh about it now - so that's something for you to look forward to. But it DOES get better - if I can promise it, it must be true!
(((((((hugs)))))))
Jill, I'm so sorry. ::hugs::
I'm sending you a pm.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling, Jill! I know I don't habe any experience as a mom, but I have been around infants for the last 16 years and I know how tough it can be. Please stop being so hard on yourself. There's no doubt in my mind that you are doouing everything you can for April, and that you are doing a GREAT job at it!
I agree with all the PPs .... If you need help, ask. Don't worry about the judgement you think people are passing and do what is best for YOU! From what my sister tells me "grandmother judgement syndrome" comes right along with having a baby, so I guess your mom is proving that theory!
Also, like Amber said, try to get out of the house if you can. Fresh air can make a world of diffrence to anyone's mental state!
((HUGS)) and good luck!
Oh Jill I could have written most of this post last year with Maddy. You absolutely can come on here and vent, whine, cry - many of us have been there. Do NOT beat yourself up - screw the house, the cleaning and cooking. It can all wait for weekends when you have some help.
Do NOT hesitate to call your doctor either. I did the "brave" thing and soldiered through last year and all it did was cause me a lot of grief this year. I had so many pent up emotions and issues that I was tearing this family apart. Call your doctor, get evaluated for PPD - it's real and it's so treatable!
I really hope you physically feel better soon, that makes it all so much worse. I wish I was closer, I'd take a few hours so you could rest! keep venting if you need to, the stress of the newborn period is like nothing I have ever experienced - nothing and no one can prepare you for it, even when you've done it before since no 2 kids are alike!
((hugs))
"It's not a sprint, it's a marathon." - Alex & Ani bracelet
My blog: Dodging Acorns
It took 5 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, but our FET worked!
My pregnancy after Infertility Blog
Our baby girl was born on April 27, 2011!