Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Vacationing with parents (grandparents)...advice?
To try to make a long story short, DH and I have a 19 month old DS. My parents live locally to us and get to see him a lot more than my in-laws who live an hour and twenty minutes away. This has caused some tension between my MIL and I. Just to note, I work full-time. Anyway, my parents rent a condo for two weeks in NH in the summer. In past years, my DH and I have joined them for a couple days/nights. Because we liked where they stayed, my DH and I decided to rent a condo at the same place last summer. Since my parents were going to be there at the same time as us, we invited my in-laws for a couple of days, which they did. We had a great week. My parents are very "go with the flow" and there were times we didn't even see them. In other words, they respected that it was "our" family vacation. We decided to do the same thing again this year. This time, my in-laws also decided to get a place. My in-laws, or rather my MIL, is very controlling in all aspects and very possessive over my DS. I'm feeling pretty stressed over this. How do I set expectations to both sets of parents that this is "our" family vacation? I don't feel like worrying over what we do, who's included, who's not. While I think it's great that they will all get to spend time with their GS, it's our time to spend together as a family too. Is this too harsh?
Re: Vacationing with parents (grandparents)...advice?
before you even go, have DH speak with his parents and you speak with yours. Say something like..."we are looking forward to this time in NH. On Saturday we plan on ____ ( fill in the blank) so maybe you want to plan something for yourselves to do that day since we wont be around"... or something to the effect of that. That way they will know you arent planning on doing EVERYTHING with them.
I wouldn't be too "This is OUR family trip!!" about it ahead of time because that can also come across as "we know you're not going to leave us alone". You know the players better than we do, though, so you might know how a talk ahead of time would come across.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We kinda have this problem when we visit my ILs in CA. MIL and SIL want to monopolize our time. I suppose it wouldn't be too bad since we did go out there to spend time with family; however they only want us to do activities that they want us to do. That means they want us to spend our entire vacation sitting at their houses, going to the mall and eating at Marie Callender's. Any time we want to go see the local sites and attractions, we always invite them, but eventually we got the whole " Why would you do that instead of spending time with faaammmmiiillly" whine. My husband finally got sick of it. Yes the primary reason we went to CA was to visit with family, but he also wanted to show me and DD some of his favorite local attractions. He was not about to spend his vacation sitting around their houses and going to Old Navy.
My advice is to not give people specifics about your alone time. Just say "Sorry we have plans at that time" and leave it at that. They will probably ask what your plans are but still remain vague and don't give specifics. My husband made that mistake and yes all we got was the whole " OMG how could you do that instead of spending time with family." After that he learned his lesson and would only say " Sorry, we can't, we have plans."
There a lot of other issues going on as well. She and my FIL have been in a very unhappy marriage for a long time and I think uses other people, particularily my DS, to fill an emotional void. In addition, I also believe that my FIL is moving from abusing alcohol to being a full-blown alcoholic.
I think a lot of her current behavior stems from those issues (controlling, jealousy, etc). Since we announced our pregnancy, based off on comments and actions, I think she had visions of how her life would change (for the better) and I also think she?s made assumptions about how much time my family spends with my DS. Unfortunately, her assumptions just haven?t met the reality. Because of these things, she seems to feel entitled to take over whenever DS is around. She is so focused on the time she doesn?t get that she quickly forgets that I work full-time and don?t get to spend as much time with DS as I would like either. I am very conscious of her feelings but I always end up feeling like she is not of mine. While I understand her need and want to spend alone time with my DS (especially if my parents do), I hate feeling like whenever I am around, I?m expected to fall back into the back ground. So right now, like East Coast bride mentioned, I don?t want to start it off like ?this our vacation ? back off!!?. Knowing how she is, I feel like I should say something (not sure what?) so that her expectations are not met with disappointment. Like I said, my parents are very go with the flow and our vacation style is very different from theirs ? we like to get up and go, they like to sleep in, etc. so we never felt like we were stuck at the hip or even on vacation together. MIL is very different from that and would have every detail planned out for us, down to the meals. Ugh!
Hmm, well I would just make my own plans too and stick to them. If MIL is disappointed, so be it. It is ok if she is disappointed.
Again, we had to go through the same thing when we last visited my ILs. MIL had an idea of what our time out there was going ot be like, and when it didn't happen exactly the way she envisioned; we got the guilt trips. We just stuck to our plans and were ok if she was upset with us. We knew we didn't do anything wrong and she would get over it.
Overall I think it was good for all involved. DH got much better about not letting his family guilt trip him and MIL now knows that guilt trips don't work on us and I even think she now respects our boundaries more because of it.
by the way.... them living an hour ad a half away is not F.A.R.
I didn't read all of the responses, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything.
Back in April, I took my girls to Disney World. My dad came with us, and we met my sister, BIL, niece and two nephews there.
We had all made it very clear before going that while we certainly planned to spend time together, NOBODY was going to do/not do something they didn't really want. It was ok for us to split up. In fact, it was necessary otherwise everyone would be miserable because we were all so different in terms of lifestyle. Admittedly, that was a bit easier because I was dealing with reasonable people who agreed with me. But I'd have done the same even had that not been the case.
Tell your parents, and have your DH tell his, that while you're thrilled to have time together on vacation, this will not be a marathon. They should feel free to do some things on your own and you will do the same. If it helps, have set plans for when you'll meet up again and that way they know they'll see you and your DC later.
Good advice already offered in this thread.
I think you have to remember to stick to your instincts and stick to what you want. And you might have to say, "Sorry MIL, but we are going to do or go to X, Y and Z." And if moments come up where she challenges you on something, look her in the eye and remind her with, "Well, when it comes right down to it, I'm the mom so the decision ends with me." And simply do what you need to do.
If she pushes and prods for plans, depending on what's going on, there's nothing wrong with a little compromise. Meaning, you set up stuff with her while balancing what you and your husband want to do with the baby. But you are well within your rights to say, "We aren't on a schedule today. When we come back, we'll see where you are." Or something like that.
Planning often gets confused with expectations. "Planning" is the nice, innocent, fun side of life. "Expectations" is the controling, guitl-inducing, soul-sucking side of life.
Your MIL can "expect" as much as she wants and justify it with score-keeping and emotional need. It doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
You have a major problem. Your not-easy-going ILs just rented a place by your summer vacation. Deal with is accordingly. This will probalby mean some hurt feelings from the person who is score keeping, emotionally needy and demanding. Unless you're willing to sacrifice your vacation to meet her needs.
And by "deal" I suggest you act in the moment and not expect her to have any insight or make any promises before the vacation. ALL of this has to happen as your MIL oversteps her bounds on the trip.
I am kind of confused why you think it is "your" family vacation..... The minute you vacationed with your parents, and then invited the IL's along, it kind of became a group deal.
Now your MIL sounds like a peach, lol, but still, I can see both sides here. I would probably do 2 things. #1, guard your baby's nap time religiously, and #2, plan specific "immediate family only" gatherings, and let her know in advance, so she isn't surprised by it when on Tuesday you want to go to the beach without her. But other than that.... If you don't want to be around her, I would vacation without her.
"This time, my in-laws also decided to get a place. My in-laws, or rather my MIL, is very controlling in all aspects and very possessive over my DS. I'm feeling pretty stressed over this. How do I set expectations to both sets of parents that this is "our" family vacation? I don't feel like worrying over what we do, who's included, who's not. While I think it's great that they will all get to spend time with their GS, it's our time to spend together as a family too."
if you want a vacation alone with each other and DS take one. taking DS ona vacay with the rest of the family that doesn't get to see him often or is controlling etc.. is not the way to have a peaceful 'our' vacay.