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New job, new co-workers, just can't seem to fit in....
So, I started a new job 3 months ago. How long did it take you guys to become part of the office as a newbie? I come in in the morning, and always say good morning, ask how people are, say have a nice night at the end of the day, etc. If I am working late, and I see that there is another person in their office, before I leave I always go over and say, you are the last one here, all of the doors are locked. No one ever does that for me. No one bothers to say good morning, or ask how was your weekend, or anything. They all talk to one another, but I think I am invisible here...unless they need something from me.
This morning though, I just want to cry. One of the women in the office went around and asked everyone if they wanted anything from the student commons area (i.e. breakfast sandwich, cappacinno, etc.) Everyone but me. How horribly rude! Then they all sat and ate and no one even noticed that I was jsut sitting there. If I saw my children do something like that to the new kid in school, I would be so upset with them. I can't imagine grown women being so unkind.
I am torn now about how to deal with them. Just stop even trying to be pleasant, do my job and go home? My mothers voice in the back of my head keeps saying to take the high road, and continue to treat them as I would like to be treated, but it is getting pretty hard. It is a good job, with good benefits, and I am happy to have it, but not if its going to make me feel like this everyday. What would you do?
Re: New job, new co-workers, just can't seem to fit in....
I really hope this doesnt come out wrong but...I dont go to work to make friends. I try to mind my own business. I am cordial with everyone as that is my natural personality. I have found friends in the work place but it all just happends naturally.
Maybe they think you are trying too hard and that is a turn off.
My advice, dont over think it. They are probably clicky and clicks at work are never a good thing.
But to what i quoted above, especially the working late part. I'm kind of wondering if you're trying too hard to be "nice and pleasant" that you aren't taking into account the culture of the office.
You see it as being courteous to let the last person know you're leaving, but they might honestly find it annoying. And/or obvious that of course all the doors are locked. If they all never did this before and you come in and do it, to now expect them to do it too.... eh, you're the new one. Not them. They shouldn't have to change how they do things.
Saying good morning, etc... on one hand, a nice thing to do. But I'll also add that when I see the same people day in and day out, I don't feel the need to make a point to say "good morning" or "good night" every day. And asking about their weekends? This can kind of come across as just being a "pleasantry" and not something anyone else really sees as necessary.
You say they all talk to one another - well, how does this come about? Is it because they walk up to one another and say "good morning. how was your evening last night?", or does it come about because they are friends and just at some point in the day, they take up a chit-chat session?
I get it that you're just trying to be nice, and I don't fault you for that. But at the same time, there is a certain level of "phoniness" to it all. What you describe doing is what people who don't know each other well do. And it may be falling on "deaf ears". If that makes sense.
My advice? Go to the next level. Is there anyone in particular that you feel you've made a little connection with? If so, ask if they want to grab lunch together. Or the next time someone is clearly running out to get food or coffee (including asking others if they want something), use it as an opportunity to say "Oh- you're running out? Mind if I come w/ you? I'm in the mood for something but don't know what. I can help you bring stuff back.".
While I do wish offices would make a point to "onboard" new employee's in a way that welcoming and made them feel comfortable, obviously this isn't often the case.
I would start to push past just being pleasant and courteous and try to take it up another level w/ one or two people.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You described my last workplace perfectly. I worked there 15 months and it honestly never changed or got any more comfortable. I just resigned myself to the fact that these people were not meant to be my friends.
They planned lunch out together right in front of me multiple times and never invited me. I tagged along once and it was super awkward, plus they just gossiped about local people they knew the whole time. Not my idea of a fun relaxing lunch.
I went in everyday, did my work, and was friendly and helpful but nothing really beyond that. In my opinion, it was their loss
I agree with this. I also think you may be trying to hard.
It's like this at my job. And things will never change. Never have and have not in over four years. It's the same for each new person that comes in. Sad, but...
If your job is more individualized, it just might take a while for people to want to get to know you as more than just another person in the office. Are you are a different age, gender, employment level then everyone else? Those differences can cause some disconnect. I know in my last job everyone in my division of a department was polite to each other (it was a small ?team? based group and we all had to get along), but there was only three of us who were ?friend?ly to each other. We also happened to be similar in age, were females, didn?t have kids but did have SOs and worked in jobs that were ?support? for others. Our division was part of a department and we didn?t really have any interactions with the other half of our department (even through some of us worked 20ft apart) ? it just wasn?t something that would come naturally since we didn?t need to work together to get out jobs done and we didn?t go to the same team meetings.
I would say that you should try to do something that would more naturally build on the relationships you make in an office. Are there other team groups that are voluntary that you can join which would get you more involved with your company and more involved with other staff?
I thought of something else that I may have done had I felt like you felt. Do you have any scheduled meetings with your boss just to touch in on how things are going? If you trust your boss, you could mention the above issues in a non-finger pointing way. Maybe you could say something like "while I really enjoy my position, I still feel like an outsider among my co-workers. Do you have any suggestions on how I can build those relationships?" Your boss may want to know specifically what makes you feel like an outsider so you should be ready with examples (again, make sure it is understood you are looking for advise on the culture of the work place, not giving a sob story that you don?t get asked what you want for breakfast).
You might be surprised by what they have to say. Maybe everyone has given you positive reviews and enjoys working with you, maybe there are some issues that you can work on to improve the relationships. Or maybe, they will just tell some of your co-workers to ask you to lunch next time so you feel included?.which could cause some resentment or give you a chance to make your own inroads with them.
There are a few things you can do to start fitting in. One is to start interviewing the office to learn what their roles are, and ask them one personal question (what hobbies, interests, etc). Ask them for 15 minutes of their time, and take notes like it's professional so you know when and where you can leverage them.
If you don't feel like that is appropriate, find people who do work that is tangential to what you do or do things that you rely on to get your own job done and see if you can host a best practices meeting.
If you are assigned to an administrative team, ask your manager to host a monthly meeting where you discuss administrative issues like leave or health insurance, or the state of the company, and each month have each person describe what their role in the company is. HTH!