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ILs and Apologies...
I don't post much, but I'm looking for a little insight. My ILs and us (DH&I) haven't spoken since our "wedding" (March 5th)-with the exception that we made the last payment to them for his car. We haven't spoken for many reasons, they have never liked me (on multiple occasions said they hate me), tried multiple times to break us up, lied to DH about me, used my family, and the final straw was near physical violence (FIL chest bumped me and raised his hand to hit me-DH not present at the time). We made it very clear that we will not have any of those behaviors in our lives, from anyone. We told them that they needed to apologize and then we could work on moving on. In the months since March (what is that 4 months now) they have continued telling lies about me and MIL has made some comments about my mom that neither of us are happy about. (How would she feel if she couldn't wish her son a happy birthday? or hear happy mothers day? My brother is deployed and he and my mom barely get to talk once a month).
Yesterday MIL sent an email that read : you want and apology for A&B, but I don't think we owe you one so I won't. However, I'll apologize (literally just the words 'I apologize, never once said I'm sorry) for C because it hurt my son and caused unnecessary stress.
DH&I are thankful that there seems to be an attempt to apologizes here. However, we want the whole package-A,B, & C. We talked about it over breakfast and sent a joint response that basically read (keep in mind that this is bare bones and not necessarily the words used by either parties involved): here is why you do owe us an apology for A&B, we stand by what we said if you apologize we can all move on together. Get to know my wife already-I'm not single and you're not going to get me single (<--DH input).
We left it at that and we are considering where to go from here. DH is the one that put an end to his relationship with ILs in the first place, and we're on the same page about how things got this way (accepting our own responsibility, without making ourselves responsible for their actions) and what we need to move on. DH is pretty pissed off that his family has never tried to get to know me, and that his family has hurt mine. I'm a pretty forgiving person (everything they did, up to using my family and the physical violence, I wrote off as dealing with their only child getting married), but where my family is concerned...let's just say it's safer to pet a crocodile. Ironically, DH absolutely loves that about me.
Question: Since items A&B have more to do with how ILs have lied about me and treated my family, should I just be happy with an apology for C? (BTW, no apology for the violence has yet been given). DH&I are a little split on this. We both want to take this email as a sign that they are trying and we want to go with it. But, we both think that they need to actually apologize for A&B, and understand that physical violence is never okay with us. Looking for some thoughts, ideas, insights-whatever. No, the whole story isn't here (it would be one heck of a novel)-but this is the most unbiased relaying of facts (as I have been told by the people that have gotten to see both sides of our conflict with ILs).
Re: ILs and Apologies...
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
In no specific terms:
a) using my family to get into our wedding after trying to break us up yet again, just days before the March 5th date, by lieing to my parents and appealing to especially to my mom.
b) telling their friends and family that I have manipulated DH into marrying me and I control his life. Telling gparents that I have purposely tried to cause MIL stress and refusing to let her help with wedding or be in her sons life. (a note on this, DH only called his mom because I told him he should-and at that, I had to remind him. MIL was going through chemo at the time, and I thought it was important for her to hear from her son. DH didn't want to talk to her at all).
c) the stress and attempted breaking up they caused the week of the wedding-but not the violence.
I have to agree. What's the point of declaring "good enough" when the relationship is still so broken and damaged. The whole point of saying "This is what I need from you to move forward, and that means I need you to admit you were wrong and apologize" is that if/when a person does that - you CAN move forward.
Getting a pouty email declaring they are NOT wrong "and here's why" is hardly the first step to reconciliation. Frankly, its another slap in the face.
I seriously don't know how you think that even counts as an apology. It looks like one of those passive agressive " I'm sorry you were offended by what I said " kind of apologies.
His dad physically threatened you. How could you guys possibly even fathom a relationship with them ? If you want my honest opinion, I think you need to cut out both of these people from your lives and grow a backbone. I mean how could you guys even consider this?
Ugh.
Why on earth are the two of your pursuing this after your FIL almost assaulted you?
You wouldn't put up with this from a stranger, so why are you putting up with this from family?
I agree with this. I also wanted to add that I give your DH a lot of credit. My now ex-FI could not stand up to his family about similar issues (not as severe as yours). I left because of it. Had he stood up for himself, me and us... I would have stayed. However, once I realize he didn't stand up for himself.. it was history.
I wish you good luck and hope you both are able to get what you are seeking!
I'm confused as to why FIL chest bumping you and raising his hand to strike you is not one of the A, B or Cs on the list. I think that would be item A for me, and a non-negotiable.
Is there room for A and B to be perception issues on either of your parts? (I only ask because you said one of the issues is that your mother was appealed to at the wedding, so I'm wondering if she saw a glimpse of something your MIL was trying to convey about helping with the wedding? I could be misunderstanding, though.) Or was the comment about apologizing for C because it directly affected her son...is it that A and B have more to do with you directly and this is just more of the same lording over you from the ILs?
Since you've already sent your response, I think you've already answered your own question. Whether they are trying to get it or not, I don't know. If there is even the smallest chance that that is where they are headed, then I hope your response was phrased in such a way as to not discourage them to keep trying to come around and see things differently. Then, in my mind, I go back to how physically assaulting you wasn't on your list of required apologies and how they've not offered an apology and then I think the two of your families might be better off apart even if peace were possible.
a) using my family to get into our wedding after trying to break us up yet again, just days before the March 5th date, by lieing to my parents and appealing to especially to my mom.
This one is on you! YOU allowed them to manipulate you no one else did! If YOU decided to let them in the only ppeople to blame are you and your h!
There was nothing apologetic aobut her phone call, not even for C. If you stop setting yourself up for disappointment it will stop happening.
These people sound toxic. If you give in and accept their "apology" for C, then you will only be showing them that they can do whatever they want and make a 1/2 a$$ed attempt to apologize and you and DH will say "O.k. - all is well".
The fact that your DH didn't want to talk to him mom and you basically made him call her - I think YOU are coming into a dysfunctional family and YOU are trying to make it all "right" and YOU want everyone to be one big happy family.
You need to sit back and start following your DH's lead a little more, I think. The fact that he's actually willing to cut them out, willing to stand up to them speaks VOLUMES. I think he is much more clued in and realistic about what his parents are like. But because you're the new guy, you feel you just have to make everything right between them all.
Stop. Just stop. You all know what his parents are like and the sooner you start working with that and making realistic decisions around it, the sooner you all will lead a less stressful life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
A) Why did you put "wedding" in quotes in your original post?
C) Is your DH okay with writing off his parents?
To be up front with you, I wouldn't want these people in my life to begin with. Anyone who hurts me so badly, has no remorse & makes no attempt to reconcile with me does not deserve a spot in my life. If they treated my H like that as well. I wouldn't feel that it was worth it to keep them around.
Family or not. The only way to get respect is to NOT allow someone to treat you like dirt. Once they realize your serious they will either dig their heels in and you'll have to lead your lives separately (sad, I know) OR they will realize that they have to try something different.
Protect yourselves and hold out for the apology (if it ever comes).
An insincere apology is not better than no apology at all.
Why do you want these people in your lives? I get that it's your H's family, but you seem more reluctant to cut them out than he does.
This is not an apology attempt. This is an "I'm right and you are wrong, but I will take the higher road and apologize, but I'm not sorry." It's something a 16 year old would pull, not parents. You should not be thankful for this, this is just further manipulation. They are not taking responsibility for anything. No way would I accept this obvious ploy. I personally never would have even responded to it. All this email showed is that they will continue to lie, manipulate, and abuse you all until they get their way.
Of course it's not a sincere apology- she apologized because her son was hurt (notice her use of the passive voice here), not because she realized that whatever she did was wrong.
Why didn't your husband cut them off the first time they said they hated you? While you're certainly justified in cutting them off for the threat of violence, I can't understand how it got to that point in the first place.
Just stop responding to them, period. Don't return their phone calls, don't respond to their emails. Just pretend they don't exist.
You're confusing an apology with being sorry for what you have done.
If someone spilled a drink on me, and never said the words "I'm sorry," but tried to mop up the spill, and took my clothes to be dry cleaned - even though the words "I'm sorry" did not come from their lips, I would know that they were trying to make things right by me.
Your ILS are the opposite. They think by saying words (and btw, "I'm sorry you are so thin-skinned you are upset about what I said," is NOT an apology") they are making eveything right. Meanwhile, their ACTIONS have not changed. Which means they are NOT sorry, and are not going to change!
I'm not sure why your mom is still speaking to your MIL. Personally, if someone were that horrible to my kids, I would have nothing to do with them. But that is your mom's choice. IMO, your mom is an active participant in her own manipulation.
I would not accept their fake apology. It is not an apology, and you can't move on from where you were if they aren't changing. Tell your H he is free to deal with his parents, you aren't going to allow them to rent space for free in your head. And cut them off for good.
It isn't an apology- it is their attempt at manipulation.
Why is your mom even communicating with them? She has no need to be anywhere near this and shouldn't be touching it with even a 50 foot pole.
You guys have cut them out of your lives for 3 months- keep it that way. Even if they apologize, your relationship is going to suck with them- they are obviously manipulative and mean, and you have your own family now- you don't need them.
We have a similar family situation and when H and I cut my ILs out of our lives- our lives really improved because we weren't dealing with their stressful crap anymore.