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The In Laws! are coming.....
I need some advice on what to do/how to act toward my brother-in-law & sister-in-law. To make the story short my bro in law told me that I'm basically the worst person in the world and I control my husband and probably everything you could think of that would be mean he told to my husband about me. It started this huge fight and I appologized twice. The first time was on the phone and the second one was in an e-mail. He wrote me this e-mail appologizing too which was only 3 sentences. After all this fight we havent talked to eachother. My husband and him don't talk either. Only twice since then and it didnt even last for 5 mins.
Okay, so since you know about that sumed up portion. They dont live in the same state and they are coming home in about a week and a half to visit. My husband parents know what happened in the fight because it involved them too. Well I'm still really hurt over the things that have been said and I told my husband I will go to this BBQ they are having for them and thats about it when they are here. My husband totally said that was fine and everything. Well last night my mother in law called with the "schedule" of what is going on when my bro in law comes home. They invited us over basically every day.
I'm just upset over the fact that they think we are all fine when obviously we arent if we dont even talk to eachother anymore. Its hard for me to have to be around them because this fight just happened a month ago. Not to mention I really know how my bro in law & sister in law feel about me. We agreed on basically just being civil with eachother and nothing else. I just feel that I won't feel comfortable with being myself around them because they hate me.
What would you do in this situation? Just go to the BBQ and then see them one more time before they leave? They are coming for 10 days and me and my husband work during most of the time. Oh yah, We usually have to run around with our heads cut off in the past just to hang out with them and my husbands family. We have a 1 yr old and its hardier to do this since we are on her nap schedule and all that. Please help Thank you!! Sorry this is a long one!
Re: The In Laws! are coming.....
If my BIL spoke to me like that and said those types of things about me totally unprovoked, this wouldn't even be an issue - my husband would tell his mother that we (he as well as I) had no intention of spending any time at all with the jerk.
It's not your MIL's job to be the mediator, but it IS your husband's job to refuse to spend time with people who would treat his wife so horribly and to not place his wife in such an uncomfortable situation. Tell your husband to grow some balls and tell his mother that the two of you will not be joining the rest of the family.
Good Lord, is there something in the water today?
Why do you continue allowing _assholes to be so horrible to you? Your BIL said you're the worst person in the whole world and YOU apologized to him. Twice.
Stop talking to people who are jerks to you!
Wash, rinse, repeat!
Well, this is relatively all still pretty new, plus I'm sure your MIL would ideally like for her sons to get along. So... you kind of have to realize where she's coming from (as to why she's asking you all over every day).
BUT you and DH are adults and you have the ability to decide for yourselves what you will and won't do. If you want to say "no" to all of it, you can. If you want to go to the BBQ and feel it out, you can. It's entirely up to you.
She may be disappointed. She's allowed to be. But that doesn't mean you all have to change yoru minds.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm really amazed that you apologized to this jerk twice, and also that your husband said it'd be "fine" for you to go to the barbecue with them. Ideally he should be saying (to both you and his parents) that he doesn't expect you to have to spend one second anywhere near these people since they treat you so poorly.
It seems like your in-laws live nearby and you can see them pretty often, correct? So WTF is the point of going? If your in-laws want to pretend that you're one big happy family, fine, but YOU and your husband (and your kid) do not need to be treated like crap by BIL because the in-laws prefer to just pretend that there's no bad blood between you. It's bullshiit that they expect you to sit around at a family function and be uncomfortable because someone in attendance treats you badly. If the sole purpose of this GTG is for you guys to spend time around BIL and SIL, then decline the invite and stay home.
We usually have to run around with our heads cut off in the past just to hang out with them and my husbands family.
No, you don't HAVE to do a damn thing. They can invite you all you want, but YOU have the power here. Just say, "Sorry, can't make it. We'll be free on [dates] if you would like to get together." Tell them what works for YOU ... don't just let them boss you around.
I was not clear on a couple of things.
You've presented the fight as mutual, stating that you yourself twice apologized. You didn't say for what, but I'm assuming because you too apologized that things were said by both parties that were regrettable/insulting? And you and he both apologized? You didn't say if either side accepted the apology or extended forgiveness. You also mentioned that this was a relatively fresh dispute, so the amount of times your DH and his brother have spoken to me doesn't seem all that unusual after hurt feelings and awkward accusations. Your MIL likely isn't sweeping things under the rug, but unless some reason for you guys comes to start mending fences happens, that uncomfortableness and assuming things can't change is going to linger. Now, maybe they are really toxic people. I don't know, you didn't say. If they aren't toxic and it is just a matter of you guys not ever going to be friends, I think I would go and stay for as long as I was treated reasonably. First, if there is a lingering doubt in the ILs mind over whether you're controlling, I certainly wouldn't want you feeding into that scenario, "If it weren't for her my brother would be here" type thing. Again, assuming you just don't care for them vs. their being toxic. Now, I wouldn't feel I had to be there for every day, even if things completely turned out wonderful and mushy...I think the only thing I can really suggest is to be strategic.
Sounds like your BIL is the one with the problems. How does SIL feel about all of this? From his parents it sounds like she just wants you four to all just get along, which is understandable, because when your kids grow up, you just hope they can work out their own problems themselves.
Go to the BBQ, with an escape plan. If you feel uncomfortable, get out of dodge. And politely decline on the other events.
Don't let them bully you. If they don't like you, can't act right, they shouldn't be around you.
I agree with all of this. I'm probably biased because I have been in your position. If you want to go or in the world of family "have to" go, then go, but have an agreed upon escape plan and have a plan for any other events that same week as well.
Ditto this
Even if you get along great, I think after a huge fight, too much togetherness is not a good thing. I enjoy my ILS, but only in small doses. If I had to spend a week with them, they would really get on my nerves and I would NOT like them any better.
Go to the bbq and then skip the rest of the week. Just b/c MIL has made plans for "the whole family" doesn't mean you are obligated to go. I wouldn't take off work to see people who had called me names!
If your DH wants to go to another event that week, then I would let him go without you or ds.