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Family Emergency and DH
My 80 year old father is having eye surgery for Glaucoma on Monday and my Mother does not drive so it?s up to me and my DH to drive my Father to the hospital and back home. I have a sister but she is disabled, so there is no one else that can drive. The hospital is supposed to call with the time he is scheduled on Sunday and I was thinking that one of us could drop him off in the morning on Monday and the other could pick him up and take him home in the afternoon so we both do not miss a full day of work.
I spoke with my DH yesterday about this and he said he has a meeting in the AM at 8:00 am and then he meets with a client around 12:30 pm for at least two hours. He may be willing to skip the morning meeting, not sure about that, but does not want to reschedule the client meeting. I would think that since this is a family emergency, and not once have I asked him in seven years of marriage to help with my family, he would be willing to reschedule this client meeting.
My family has always treated him more like a son, than a SIL, always treating him in a kind and generous manner. Am I wrong to be upset with my DH?
Re: Family Emergency and DH
Is there something else going on? You sound like you're looking for a reason to hang this in front of your DH as an example for how he never does anything for your family.
My vacation balance is low and my DH has a lot of vacation time (he never calls in sick or takes time off - workaholic), so it would be helpful if he could help out.
I suppose if worse comes to worse I will take care of my Father myself but I thought I could count on my DH for some help.
DH has a meeting at 8 am and we won't know the time of the surgery til the day before and my Father has to be at the hospital two hours before the surgery.
If your H has meetings and such that'd be a PITA to reschedule, then I can see why he wouldn't be super-willing to take half a day off when he won't know the actual game plan until the day before. Even if he took half a day off in advance, the surgery plans might be pushed back further in the day and make that morning off useless, so in that case he'd have to change it to a full day off at the last minute.
What's your husband's job like? I've always worked in the editorial industry, and at most jobs I had to schedule vacation/personal days a month or more in advance, because having one person absent would really screw with everyone else's workload. And in today's working environment, people are afraid to take time off ... I had a friend who got fired because she asked for vacation time. And if the clients are traveling to meet with your H, then it could be super-inconvenient and irritating for them to reschedule their plans and it could jeopardize their relationship with your H and his company.
Unless there's an underlying issue here, or if your husband is being a real priick about this and just refuses to help your dad out of spite or something, I think you need to cut him some slack here. If he's otherwise a great husband who's kind to you and your family and helps out when he can, I don't think this is a huge deal.
Call me callous, but I don't consider this to be a "family emergency". I've never before heard of a hospital not telling you your check-in time until the day before your surgery, that's just idiotic.
Anyway - I'd be a bit peeved if my husband expected me to cancel appointments that I had so that I could take his mother somewhere if he was perfectly capable of doing it himself. Amount of vacation time doesn't matter - if you don't have anything pressing to do that day, then YOU take care of it. That's how this stuff typically works.
When our son is sick, the decision of who will stay home with him is made based on who has the more pressing deadlines/meetings that day. It just makes sense.
This is who he is. He's not going to volunteer to re-work his schedule unless you really, really press him. And then he may still not do it. I'm sure there are certain advantages to having a husband dedicated to his work and career. This is one of the downsides.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Good point about the emergency aspect. Is it really an "emergency" if it's a planned surgery that's not super-urgent? I mean, I'm not saying that your father's eye condition is nothing, but it's not like he's being rushed in for a sudden bypass operation that would mean the difference between life and death.
If it WERE an emergency bypass and your husband told you, "Tough luck, I have work and I can't be there with you," then I'd agree that he's being a d0uche. For this, though, unless there's a serious background issue then you're being way too harsh on your H.
scheduled surgery is not an "emergency".
I totally understand you wanting DH's help....it is just the way you worded it...
Yup, not an "emergency" and your DH has work meetings scheduled, a perfectly reasonable reason he can't be a taxi. Is there a reason your parents can't call a taxi if you can't take the time off either?
I agree with both of these quotes. Also, in my office, if I wanted to take vacation time on Monday, I'd have to put in for at the very latest today. If I wait until Monday, I'd have to take sick time, which I don't get as much of.
Agreed.
I also agree with the PP that are saying that a scheduled surgery is not an emergency.
Don't go looking for things to hold against your H.
Anyhow, otherwise, I fully agree. My Dh is like a son to my parents too and they treat him like gold - it would never occur to me to expect him to help w/ the pick up/drop off.
Also, you say you were "thinking" about how to do it... at what point before yesterday did you actually talk to your DH about this so that he had it on his radar and could plan around it? If yesterday was the first time you really talked to him about this, then I even less understand what you're upset about.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Nice point about this being a non emergency, as well. Glaucoma surgery is scheduled. And it is your dad, not your dh's; I'd consider this basically an extended appointment for a procedure, not emergency surgery.
Take the day off and take your dad and pick him up.
Things that are emergencies:
Heart attacks, strokes, car accidents, annyuerisms, sudden and tragic accidents, fire, flood, plague of locusts, drowning, etc.
Things that are not emergencies
Scheduled surgery for glaucoma. Scheduled surgery for anything not related to the prior list.
Your father's surgery is not an emergency. Your husband should go to work.
BTW, if need be there are car services that can take your father to/from the surgery.
I'm with the pps...this really isn't an emergency situation, and while I have no problem with you asking your DH for help, he's presented valid reasons why he's unavailable. More valid, IMO, than your low vacation balance. Given that, since it's your father, you're the one who needs to adjust their schedule if helping out is that important to you.
Personally, I'd never even have asked my DH to rearrange anything at work - meeting or not - and use vacation to drive one of my parents to a scheduled appointment. A true emergency, sure. I even asked him to take off from work to be home with our kids so I could go stay with my mom and help her after she had double knee replacement since Dad had to get back to work and Mom wasn't yet up to being home alone full time. I scheduled that trip entirely around DHs availability, though...*he* picked the dates based on when he could easily take vacation time. That unfortunately left my mom home alone for about a week after Dad went back to work, but it wasn't something I could help and I was 110% ok with that.
An American Girl's Travels
Scheduled surgery is not an emergency.
Did your parents consult you and your DH about what works for you? Can you hire a car to drive them home? My neighbor is retired and often drives people home from the hospital in either a Town Car or limo.
Why don't you take the day off and spend it with your mother?
Why can't you call a taxi?
I have a few comments.
1. I can understand why you think that it may be an 'emergency,' due to it being something out of the ordinary for your family, however as previous posters have stated, it is scheduled. In the same breath, I know that I have had surgery on a Monday after seeing the doctor on a Thursday or Friday (I can't remember if I had a day before the weekend or just the weekend to get things set) due to the need to have the surgery done rightnow. If that's the case, then it may be 'scheduled' but it is still a little bit more of an emergency situation than a surgery that may have been able to be moved around to accommodate your families needs. (Also, if it was just scheduled surgery without an immediate need, did your father ask for you and your husband's input prior to scheduling the surgery, or did he just schedule it and expect that you and your husband would take care of driving him back and forth?)
2. You may be jumping the gun a little bit, only because you don't know what time the surgery is. He may have to be there at 6:30 in the morning, in which case you OR your husband would be able to bring him in. And once he's there, they won't kick him out of recovery until someone is able to come and sign him out at discharge.
3. If he does need to go in at a later in the morning/afternoon time, could you take some flex time, or a lunch at a different hour, in order to accommodate the need to pick up your father?
4. I understand (perhaps) why you're aggravated with your husband because of the emotions behind the request. Since it is your father, and you obviously love him dearly, and you (as I would) kind of expect your husband to be there and be supportive, the fact that he was unable to provide the answer that you would have expected, are you being more agitated by his answer due to the emotions behind the request? Are you allowing your emotions to make you more angry and possibly more stabby than usual?
I do hope that everything is worked out and that you can get your father back and forth without a lot of hiccups. My T&P go out to him and your family for his surgery.
This is pretty typical for outpatient surgery. You typically get a report time the day/night before when the schedule of OR suites is made up. These are done last minute in order to avoid inconveniencing people should an unusal number of truly emergent cases turn up. Glaucoma in an 80 year old would get rescheduled if the othamologists had injuries needing attention.
I work at a hospital in registration and EVERY surgery, be it Out or In patient always has a scheduled time for the patient to be there. The only reason for a change in that time would be an emergency. Now, I can only assume that most hospitals run this way. But I could be wrong.
This is not an emergency and you need to give your DH a break, IMO.