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Making MIL a grandma
My MIL have never gotten along. She's proclaimed her dislike for me since day one. The first time I met her she slipped now DH another girls number. I'm a quiet person and she loves to walk all over that part of me.
DH and I have been together for 6 years...married for almost 3. He admits she has "social issues" (as he calls part of the problem) and can be manipulative. He let her have it last winter about the way she treats me. Now it's like she's walking on eggshells...but yet still makes slams when DH isn't around to hear. I avoid her as much as I can. DH avoids leaving us alone as much as he can. I love my FIL...he seems to be the only reason we try so hard with DH's side of the family.
I'm now 13 weeks pregnant. This will be my ILs first grandchild. They're really excited. MIL is now acting like she is my best friend. This irritates me so much. It's like she's forgotten how rude she was to me in the past. I can't seem to just drop this and let her off the hook. I know it would be the best if I would. But I just don't have it in me. She has said some VERY hurtful things and has treated me horribly. After 6 years I don't feel welcomed into their family. To me she seems almost bipolar.
I know for sure that my child should know all of his/her grandparents. There's no way I wish to hold my child hostage because of this. But I also don't feel like this is an environment my child should be around. And, I don't know how to cope with her playing the best friend card when we're not. I almost don't feel like she's earned the right to know my personal life...if that makes sense?
Anyone else raising children around a challenging MIL?
Re: Making MIL a grandma
How about you stick up for YOURSELF? Why are you letting this woman push you around?
Neither he nor you should be within a 50 mile radius of her until she cleans up her act and treats you politely and civilly. And you and he should make that known.
She'd be a poor example of a grandmother; don't permit her to be around your child until she cleans up her act. Proactively take this bull by the horns now, the both of you.
Here's the thing- kids don't HAVE to know all their grandparents if their grandparents aren't good people. I don't know where this concept came from, to be honest. Being a grandparent doesn't give anyone any special rights to your child.
Now- to be a tad bit more realistic (because this doesn't seem to be an issue of you and your DH having nothing to do w/ your MIL yourselves. She is in your life so she will be in your childs life to some degree). You have control of your child and of how much your MIL sees your child. You don't have to let her babysit, or anything else like that. You can determine that she'll only see your child when you and DH are there too - and only when you all invite her over.
Doesn't matter what you do w/ your parents - being a grandparent is NOT "tit for tat" and you don't have to be fair. you always have to do what is best for your child - and that may mean NOT giving all grandparents free acces to your child whenever they want.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
ITA with this and everything that Tarpon said.
While I agree that no grandparent automatically has a "right" to a relationship with their grandchild, you mentioned that your MIL seems to be trying with you now.
Have you thought about clearing the air? For example, if MIL runs over to you and hugs you, saying "MIL, I'm not sure why you are hugging me. For six years you were not even polite to me. In fact, I feel you were very rude and hateful. You can understand why I don't feel like we are close friends."
Or you can try a sit-down with your husband saying something like "Mom, you went from being rude to my wife to acting like her best friend. You need to realize that wife doesn't trust you after six years of you acting so rudely to her. While we appreciate your efforts, you need to realize that wife needs time to adjust and for us to trust you."
People CAN change - IF THEY WANT TO. It seems like a number of things may have altered your MILs behavior. The pregnancy, or the fact that your dh stood up to her may all have made a difference.
As long as your MIL is making the effort to be kind, I would take her change in behavior as a positive step forward in your relationship. That doesn't mean you have to phone her every day, but you can reward her efforts.
Thanks ladies. I feel a bit better about it all now.
I'm not really AROUND my MIL. We actually avoid her as much as possible. I've seen her twice since christmas (both for very brief moments). She keeps sending "presents" with my FIL (pregnancy journals, etc). The one time I've seen her after she knew I was pregnant was when she acted like my best friend and wanted to know everything.
I see on tv grandparents fighting for "rights to their grandchildren". GAG. I've always felt like parents should have the choice of who their child is around. Does she do drugs or anything...no. But she's not an ideal role model for this baby by any means.
As for the first person that told me to stand up for myself. I've been there. I've yelled back before and that just caused more stir. I was raised by the method of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". I think my getting upset and stirring more up upset me way more than MIL. She got to whine to BIL and all about how mean I was (which was more of her winning). That's why I don't grace her with my presence. I'm happier staying my distance.
I guess I just don't feel like I can say to my child one day "you never spent time with Grandma _______ because your mother and her couldn't get along". From what I've noticed she can't seem to get along with most females. She tends to whine and get babied by the males in her life though.
DH has stood up for me. But he too is taking the avoidance route. We try and plan visiting FIL around her work schedule and such. I guess I just needed to hear I wasn't being horrible for not letting this woman into her grandchilds life as much as a grandmother would hope for.
But to the above statement - don't overthink this. In the here and now, your child will grow to have "X" relationship w/ your MIL. Your child won't know it to be anything other than "X" unless people point this out. So... don't make issue of it! Don't say anything to/around your child to make him/her realize "Oh, this isn't normal?" or "mom has a problem w/ this?".
As your child grows up - if either it's from their own realization or perhaps from something someone else says to them to make them realize - if they one day say "Hey, why didn't we spend more time w/ MIL when I was younger? Why am I not closer to her (like I am w/ your mom/ like Mary is w/ her grandmother etc)", all you have to say is "Everyone is different and while she's a "grandmother", she is still her own, individual self and you're going to have your own unique relationship w/ her that isn't going to necessarily be the same as it is w/ anyone else".
It honestly wasn't until my late 30's that my step-mother started talking more honestly about her relationship w/ my grandmother (my dads mom). by then, I kind of knew what my grandmother was like, so hearing what she had to say wasn't a surprise. But as a child - I knew no different!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If your child grows up with a certain "relationship" with its grandmother, that "relationship" will become the norm.
Like ECB said, most kids won't question it unless/until someone else makes a big deal out of it. So don't worry about this.
I'm assuming you've shared with your husband that his mother continues to speak to you poorly when he's not around. Have you answered for yourself when in her presence? If not, I think now is the perfect time to call her on her "kindness" as of late, telling her that it is not forgotten how she's treated you in the past, and that you have no intention of pretending otherwise until she truly make right what she's done.
Speaking of grandparents who treat someone this way - it was not my ILs who were like this, but my own parents..towards both me and my husband. Like you, I felt that I would try to create a hospitable relationship between my parents and my children. In the end, it didn't work and a lot of harm came to my children, and to my relationship ultimately with my children. Just as your MIL feels freer to speak negatively to *you* when not in your husband's presence, so too will she speak even more freely *about* you to your children when not in either of your presence. Just beware. When someone gave me the same advice, to lay a firm distance between myself and my parents where my kids were concerned, and to even not allow them without my presence, and even ultimately to become estranged, I did not listen in time. In the end, estrangement did happen with me and my family, and I wish I had moved to that end earlier.
My soon to be MIL was nice to her daughter's boyfriend for about a year then she HATED him for a while until he got her daughter pregnant. When he got her daughter pregnant they became best friends. I am marrying her son in a few months and her and I have never been close, maybe I was a little jealous.
Her and I no longer have any kind of a relationship because she has treated me very badly and I don't know that I will let her be around that we may have in the future. I despise her! Our children will have enough with my family and with my future husband's dad! My future children don't need any negative influences when they will have so many positive ones!
My exMIL did the same exact thing to me. When I met her, she would intentionally tell me how much she loved my ex's friend, and that he should have been with her instead. Even went so far as to invite 'friend' to family functions/dinners just to spite me. My ex would stick around me and would not leave me alone with her as much as possible. When I had DD, it was like a switch went off and she wanted to be my friend. I was friendly with her b/c of ex FIL (who is still wonderful) and this was my DD's grandmother.
When ex & i split, he would take DD to family functions, holiday dinners, etc to see his side of family. This was until ex MIL began to bad mouth me to my DD. (my DD is now 7 and tells me everything) I do not talk to ex MIL, but b/c of her, that side of the family does not call or speak to my DD, which is sad. (didn't even call on her b-day last week) And although we want our children to know all of their grandparents, in some cases, they do not need to. I would rather my DD not be around her if she is going to say such nasty things.
I went through this with my own family. My parents never contacted me, were horrid to me, insulted every move I made for most of my life.. .the second my sister informed them I was pregnant, they were calling, asking how I was, getting excited, whatever.
I tried to be nice and cordial, but what was done was done. I felt guilt for a long time for not being a "bigger person", but they had made it clear from childhood that they "hated" me, that I was stupid, fat, ugly, you get the gist. I fail to see how my having children changed that at all. And it didn't. And it doesn't in your case. She's not being "your best friend" she's positioning herself to be around the baby. Someone who is nice and kind to get what they want, isn't actually nice and kind. As you said earlier in the post, she's known to be manipulative, this is just another page from her book.
Your child does not need to know all of his or her grandparents. I assure you, our daughters are happy and well-adjusted with plenty of of people in their lives who love them. You don't need to make nice with rude family members to make that happen for them and you are not a bad person if you refuse to forgive and forget.
Yep this. If my MIL didn't treat me well I wouldn't give her the chance to be around my child.
Ditto everything EastCoast said. MIL can see child when she is with you and DH only. You must do what is best for your child. It is not a "grandparents right," but a priviledge. I also would not worry about having to explain why to your child that you feel he/she cannot see their grandparent more often; children are intuitive to certain personalities and as he/she gets older, will likely see the issue themself as they watch grandma interact with other family members. No need to try to explain and more likely than not come across as mean mom picking on grandma. Just do.
I wouldn't recommend trying to "clear the air" with MIL. You cannot reason with unreasonable people, and this is likely to give her more ammo and arguing room. Instead I'd opt for establishing and maintaining clear boundaries with her.