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My inlaws suck.
I've been with my DH 7 years total, married about a year and a half. While dating, my relationship with my inlaws was okay, but it took a turn for the worst when we married. Fortunately they live across the country, but things still happen. My husband is not too close with them, and they keep pushing us further away. I've posted before about them before here...I'm glad we have this board to vent on.
The latest thing they did was MIL's bday was a few weeks ago. We sent a nice floral arrangement and a card. We've never really mailed gifts to each other...In fact even this Christmas they sent nothing to us (not even a card, email or phone call) because we were "selfish" in spending this Christmas with my family. We try to rotate holidays, last Christmas we spent with them.
Well, on Friday night his dad sends us both a few really mean text messages. We weren't writing back because we had company. He felt we were "self absorbed: and "spoiled" and it was wrong of us to not send a bday gift to MIL that they could open. His last message said "you obviously both do not want birthday gifts from us anymore" ... what parent says/does that?! VIA TEXT?! We don't even know how to respond. It was totally out of the blue. To be honest- no, we do not want gifts from them anymore. We are trying to distance ourselves more and more because situations keep getting worse and worse. We've tried talking to them about other situations and circumstances that made us feel uncomfortable, but nothing ever changes. We are always wrong, they are always right and we have to "respect their authority." DH feels they are bringing it up now because my birthday is next week...which I'll be 28 so no I am not a teenage bride:)
I'm sorry for such a long post... my heart is breaking for DH. This is definitely a no win. I wish they didn't get to me or him. We want to call and wish his dad a happy fathers day, but are dreading the phone call 
Thanks if you read this far.
Re: My inlaws suck.
They're being extremely mean and selfish to the two of you. And they're not going to change. Your husband is just going to be disappointed if he calls his father today and hopes to get a halfway decent reply.
If your husband is going to call him, he's got to expect literally nothing in return. Because his dad is more than likely going to not answer the phone, hang up on him or just treat him like dirt for the whole call. If your husband can't accept that (and really, who can?) then he's probably better off not calling, and learning to deal with the fact that his parents aren't going to be kind to him unless he follows all of their orders ... and even then, it's probably never going to be enough for them. They're not going to be loving, kind people even if he follows their demands to the letter. That will just lead to more manipulation and more demands and more meanness.
I read another one of your posts about Easter and you both just need to cut these toxic people out of your lives. TIme and time and time again, they have proven that they are abusive selfish a-holes. Why do you guys continue to put yourselves out there ? I wouldn't have even sent her a birthday gift. I guarantee you that if you did give her one she could open
they still would have found fault with it. It wasn't her taste, wasn't expensive enough or whatever. Just stop with these people. They are not going to change and are never going ot be the warm, considerate family members you guys want them to be. I understand that your husband is upset, but the sooner he accepts them for who they truly are and not for what he hopes they will be, the happier he will be.
Seriously, just stop with them. No more gifts, texts, emails, phone calls. LEt them be,
It's difficult because nothing that's been done has been life threatening or anything like that, it's just been spiteful, dishonest and mean. I do not want a relationship with them, and my DH is okay with me not having a relationship with them...but he does want one. He said he doesn't want to be super close or anything, but he doesn't want to totally cut them off...which I understand. As he says, they are his parents and they are the only ones he has.
What frustrates me most is we have tried to talk to them about everything, but nothing ever changes. I don't know how to move on from here.
I do not understand WHY you keep going back for more?
STOP talking, texting, calling, sending gifts! STOP IT~
Just because he shares blood with these people does NOT make it ok for them to treat you both like this.
YOU have the control to stop it, if you choose not to do so stop complaining about it,.
What ? Are you honestly saying that as long as they don't threaten your life, you guys should have a relationship with them ?
Listen, talking to these people isn't working so stop trying. You guys need to up the ante and that means action. Don't contact them. Contacting them will get you nowhere ( as you have seen). You have said your peace so let them be.
Perhaps your husband could use some counseling with a professional who specializes in family and parent issues.
If you are comfortable with no relationship but he wants one (even a small one), then let him be in charge of his parents 100%. There is no reason for you to engage in the drama. Don't email, text, or pick up the phone when they contact you. Let dh handle everything.
I don't remember your backstory, but I would text back "of course we don't want gifts - - we are adults. It's silly to exchange gifts at this point in our lives. We have everything we need." Or ignore them completely.
While I agree with the sentiment above, don't text back - don't be on their level. Call back, be ready to be very clinical about it (keep emotion out, just give the simple statements as she said above), and be ready to hang up when they become stupid. If you get voicemail, even better.
People who text judgment and/or threats are generally @ssholes.
These are my parents' behavior/mindset. And it does suck.
And that's basically all there is to it. You can be sorry for what you/your DH doesn't have. In my case we put up with slights and demands - and unfortunately for us for *years* we abided by their controlling and demanding and presumptive behaviors. If they've actually used the line "respect our authority" then how you've handled things thus far, well, I'd say you are way ahead of the game.
Sometimes it's easier just to accept who and how people are then it is in trying to coax a truce.
I agree with this. The best course of action, it sounds like in your situation, is to give yourselves a break. I would stop responding to them in any way. It is not worth the emotional beatdown and you are gaining absolutely nothing from the relationship. Its BS that because they are family that you have subject yourself to that type of treatment over and over.
Do yourself a favor and ignore them.
If he insists on still trying to have a relationship with these a-holes, then wash your hands of it and don't get involved. Don't speak to them or contact them. Let your husband deal with the abuse on his own, and just hope that he eventually realizes that he doesn't need this shiit.
However, are you guys planning on having kids? What's going to happen in that case ... will your husband insist on bringing the kids to see the ILs? Your ILs are not going to stop trying to manipulate and belittle your husband into doing what they want, and a million dollars says that they'll have zero problem doing it right in front of your children. What message is that going to send those kids ... that it's O.K. for someone to be a bully just because they're older? And what if they start treating the children like crap? Kids aren't going to understand why Grandma and Grandpa are always so mean to them ... and if your husband doesn't tell them to knock it off, it's just going to continue the cycle of a kid thinking HE's wrong and that HE is the one who needs to just do what his elders say no matter how badly they treat him.
It really might be beneficial for your husband to see a professional about this, and get an outsider's opinion on why he should stop subjecting himself to this bullcrap.