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Need MAJOR advice.
I'm seriously on the brink of a panic attack. I'm going to try to make this as short and simple as possible (and it's a pretty complicated, long story).
I had the same best friend for 15 plus years. It was always me and her and we had other friends as well. Some came and went-some stayed, but we were the two that were the closest in a small group.
She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. Things went terribly wrong after I got married.
Most of you know DH & I moved to the DC area temporarily. During this time I really made an effort to keep in touch with her and three of my other girlfriends in this group. (I do and did have friends outside of this group-btw).
Anyways best friend was always a pretty negative person. Sometimes she definitely brought me down. But that was her-and friends are people who look over your flaws-right?
Well things with her got even more negative during my engagement/wedding/after wedding. We would go to bars and she would always say really mean things to guys that would approach us and always seemed to be looking to start a fight. Everyone in our group agreed she was a bit out of control, but no one knew how to avoid it.
Then her and another friend came down to the Obama inauguration and everything went even more downhill. They wanted to party til 5AM, got us stuck in DC twice (when I stated we NEEDED to leave and get on a metro), and one of them vomited in my kitchen sink. It was gross-we aren't in college anymore. (I may have previously vented about this).
Anyways another girl from this group called me after they left and I vented about the sink situation. (I was upset because they didn't TELL me if happened-I had to SMELL it to figure it out-GROSS!). She agreed it was terrible, yet went back to them to tell them what I said.
So if you are still with me....
Basically everything fell apart with me and this group. One defriended me on FB, when I asked them what was up it just turned to me being a "bad" friend who didn't have time for them anymore. This was definitely crap considering I made the 600 mile round trip home for EACH one of their birthdays-yet didn't even get a card from any of them nor a birthday celebration. Every single time I came home I hung out with them at least 1 night with exception for the time my sister had her second child. This was after she had lost a baby the previous year, so it was a special time for my family, plus I was watching her son for the week. I invited them over to my sisters when I was watching my nephew but they weren't interested because it didn't involve children. Basically they are CRAPPY people that I'm glad aren't in my life anymore. I reached out to try and fix the situation or talk it out with no response. So I walked away with my head held high and didn't call them scum to their faces. Hello best friend of 15 years-you can't even respond to my call or email about talking about stuff.
You still with me?
Anyways a completely neutral friend of ours is now pregnant. We will all be invited to the baby shower. I'm seriously so upset as to what I should do. I know I should go (it's my friend and it's important), but I have pretty bad anxiety and I know I will get evil glares from them. Plus, its 1 against 4. I know they won't physically do anything to me, but I am terribly afraid of having an anxiety attack. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of them seeing me upset or bothered by the situation.
I know I'm kinda a terrible friend for not going and I'd promise to get this friend a huge gift if I don't go. I could say that I'll be on vacation that week. I promise I would have gone if I had at least 1 wing woman?
WDYT?
And thanks for reading this far.
Re: Need MAJOR advice.
I think that you should go to the shower, people grow up over time and perhaps it's time to move forward with your friendships. I'd hate to walk away from 15 year history with a bunch of girls.
If you're not comfortable, it's a big commute to the shower, and your life has gone on with out them. Just send a nice gift if it'll save you time and aggravation.
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I think you should go as well. If you need a friend to go with, ask someone?
It isn't about them. It is about the mommy to be.... no I know it could be a difficult/awkward situation, but you let them win by not going... which will just add fuel to the "she's a bad friend" fire.
Plus, if you don't let them bother you, you will have a good time.. easier said than done I know.
Maybe they will be over it by now and want to reconcile?
Next month will mark two years since I reached out.
I called each of these girls individually (no one answered) and then sent a group email. I thought my email was pretty nice-basically saying it seemed as though there was tension and I wanted to talk about it. Only 1 responded where she completely blasted me saying I was a bad friend.
It is a very sad situation. I have outgrown the friendship. I hate to say this, but I feel like I'm a better person now for not being friends with them. I feel like I'm a much nicer and more accepting person. It was my own fault for allowing them to get the best of me.
I get really sad when I think that the one specifically missed the birth of my son.
Supposedly the end of August.
I would totally drag Larissa with me, but I'd feel weird asking if I can bring a plus 1.
I wonder if Larissa could pose as my distant cousin from another country who is visiting for a week.....
Ha! You know what I just thought. If I went with Larissa (or any other girl) I'm sure they may suspect I left DH for another WOMAN! They love to make up rumors. Talk about being the talk of that shower!
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That would be amazing!
Seriously, though, I like Larissa's policy that people she doesn't like aren't going to keep her from where she wants to be. If you take that group out of the picture, do you want to go to the shower? If yes, then I think you should.
Knowing how I respond in situations like this, if I thought I wouldn't be able to hold it together, I wouldn't go. But, if I thought I could hold it together, not only would I go, but I'd brag about my LO and yuk it up with other girls and be as nice and friendly to those girls as if you've completely forgotten what dumb ass b!tches they are.
I regularly think about how I'd react in the situation where I meet someone who has wronged me (or ditched me). You may remember me posting about a year ago about my ex-bff who got in contact with me just to solicit me for her job and how I was torn in the same way you are. I ended up not contacting her, but you bet your buns if I ran into her at the store and was forced to keep my composure, I would flaunt any awesomeness I had going on in my life.
About how many people do you think will be at the shower? Will there be other mutual friends there besides the mama-to-be?
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I wouldn't go.
I think by going you are giving what they want, I would be prepared for snide, condescending comments and they'll just be catty b!tches ... sorry my time is more valuable.
If it were me, I would want to go, but not sure I would be able to muster up the courage to do so.
I may have missed this; does shower friend know she's having a shower or is it a surprise? Could you ask to take her out because you can't make it due to a family obligation? Show you want to be there for her, you know?
This is what I was totally thinking of doing. The shower is not a surprise as far as I know, but I don't want to say anything as of yet.
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Thinking of her wedding shower-it was huge so I'm not sure but I'm thinking it could be a lot.
My only saving grace is that my sisters friend (who I speak to as well) COULD be invited. IMHO, if she isn't invited or going I have no idea how I can get the courage to go.
If I were you I would go. I would bring another friend with me. Has the mommy to be seen your baby? I would bring LO, so she could see him. You can play a few games, eat and leave. I think it would be really important to her if you do go. You don't want her to think - look, she can't even come to my baby shower because she's not friends with those other girls.
I've been in your shoes before, and trust me I know it's hard. Good luck!
When is the shower?
See...I'm that person that thinks, "Kill 'em with kindness." I know it may not be possible to avoid them the whole shower, but if they do approach you, just say hi and smile. You need to show them that it's THEIR loss, not yours.
However, if it's causing this much anxiety, and you're seriously not comfortable handling this by yourself, it's your all. I'd also think it'd be important for you to go for your friend, but you always want to be able to enjoy yourself and not looking over your back the entire time. I'd go, but this is your call.
I really think they'd be happy if I were there. They are the kind of people that want to run into people so then they can talk about them afterwards. Think about it-it could be 4 vs 1.
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I read a quote recently that said something along the lines that "The best revenge is to be happy" ... because the last thing they want to see is you being happy!
... not saying you need revenge, but it would do YOU good to let them see you being happy!
I also read another quote that "No one can hurt you without your permission". ... if you don't let their presence affect you, it won't!
I would go to support the mommy to be, but that is me. I wouldn't let some girls keep me from having a good time and supporting a friend! Don't think of it has 4 against 1... you're just beating yourself up!
If they give you dirty looks and talk about you the whole time-- that will show their character to others, while you having a good time, talking with others, and sharing mommy advice with the mommy to be, will show yours. If it needs to be a battle, than your 1 good character will beat their 4 high school maturity level characters.
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Yay! I love this!
Thank you!