Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Told DH my sex dream & got a perplexing response ...
I had a dream this morning that I was making love with a man who told me (and made me feel) beautiful and desired. In the dream, I already knew the person but it was the first time we were making love. (I don't know the person in real life, it was complete fantasy).
When I woke up, I felt sad that DH doesn't make me feel this way, like I am beautiful, sexy, desired. Our sex life is okay (1x per week) and decently hot once we get it on, but I feel like our relationship is lacking romance and spark and I don't especially feel cherished by him (like as you imagine your dream guy will treat you when you are young before you get married).
When I told DH I felt sad upon waking from the dream because I realized that I hadn't felt that way in a long time (like a man felt I was beautiful, special, sensual.) He didn't say anything, so I asked if it made him sad, too. He said no.
Then I made a comment about how he doesn't see me as beautiful and he again didn't say anything (didn't correct me). We haven't talked about it since but I feel bummed.
I am pretty average looking, not unattractive, but not "pretty." I feel
like not everyone would think I was beautiful but if someone was in love
with me, he would see me as beautiful. So I guess I am debating (and
have been for a while) whether my husband is in love with me.
Please, help me figure out what this guy is thinking and how to try to fix my marriage.
Re: Told DH my sex dream & got a perplexing response ...
No Kidding. Who does that? You basically told him he doesn't do it for you and that your fantasy guy in a dream is your standard.
I'd be silent too if my BF told me he had a dream like that. I'd probably start rethinking how he felt about me and only hear 'blahblahblah' while he was telling me how he felt I didn't care enough about him or find him attractive.
I agree that there is a good chance your husband was hurt by the way that you brought it up. Which most likely effected his entire reaction.
If it were me I would genuinely apologize to him making sure to explain that it isn't that he doesn't do it for you in the bedroom. IF he seems open to continuing the conversation I would tell him you just want to know that you do it for him and that he thinks about you at other times. I'd be sure to make the conversation as short as he wants it to be.
However, your need to feel loved and cherished and beautiful to him is not something I would let drop. Bring it up in a constructive manner whenever you need to.
Maybe he needs help learning to tell you these things. Put on an outfit you feel sexy in and ask him 'do I look pretty in this' 'uh-huh' then poke him or laugh or do whatever playful thing you guys do with each other and ask him to tell you in a way that doesn't make it seem like your fishing for a compliment.
Spouses aren't mind readers you have to be able to communicate your needs to each other sexual or otherwise.
I can't tell you how many women have admitted jealousy to me over the way my husband compliments me and is a huge every day romantic. He does it because he means it, but he started doing it because I asked him to, because I needed him to.
I don't know, it sounds like maybe he felt blamed or accused when you were talking with him. How does he view things? Maybe he doesn't feel cherished either? Maybe he doesn't feel like you find him really attractive? Have you let yourself go, or stopped trying to impress him? (This is assuming things were fine before, and this is a recent development.)
You can't change him by asking him to change or by telling him you're upset. Your need to be heard isn't being fulfilled anyways, so maybe it's time for a new tactic. All you really have the power to do is change yourself for the better of your relationship.
Even though you can't control him or what he does, the happier you try to make him, the more he'll want to reciprocate.
Touch him. Hug him. Pay attention to him. Do little stuff for him, make him food he likes, whatever, just show him you love him and are attracted to him, without asking for anything in return. Don't let these vague feelings of rejection and boredom drive a wedge between you guys, because it will just get harder and harder to bridge that gap. Reach out to him in a loving, intimate way, not in a blaming, needy way.
If he really doesn't want you anymore, if he's really not attracted anymore... well, at least you tried.
If my husband told me about a dream like that, where he was making love with another woman and this woman made him feel wonderful and cherished... my first reaction would be to burst into tears! Good grief! Why would you tell him that??
y dont u get a little sexy n romantic instead. let him keep guessing the reason.
Jst enjoy the moments. u ll lv it!!!
I think it's great that you are communicative enough to be that open with your DH. My husband and I tell each other everything and talk about everything because we want to always be able to talk about anything. Poor communication begins with omitting little things and can snowball quickly.
I only slightly agree with the other comments. Perhaps he didn't like the delivery and got caught up in feeling inadequate. Sometimes men need some time to process profound thoughts (Hey, we all do).
Perhaps you guys need to re-evaluate your languages of love.We learned about this in our PreCana class and it has made such a difference in our relationship.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
My husband is a Words of Affirmation/Acts of Service kind of guy and I'm a Quality Time/Physical Touch kind of woman. It's easy to miss each other or misinterpret things if you are speaking different languages-- so to speak.
I hope it all works out well for you.
I agree with "DuckDuckDi...". Definitely try to see it from DH's perspective, but also don't let your own needs go unmet. I think some women (myself included) too often jump to the conclusion that it's our fault. That we did something wrong, or didn't do enough. Or, if we change something about us, it will make everything better...if we just try hard enough. I think that should be a secondary response once you're sure that your hard work/actions will actually have a positive impact.
Also, this isn't a promo. or anything, but the book "Love and Respect" is a really great book for understanding what each other needs and most importantly, why we need those things.
Aww, I totally know the feeling. I feel like at some point sex in marriage becomes routine, an expectation, a task to accomplish (much like many of the other fun things you used to do together before marriage).
I agree with the Love & Respect book. We went through that book along with the Love Languages both excellent.
And I don't think it's a falling in or out of love thing, I think it's just reality of changes that happen in marriage. When dating being intimate was the outer portrayal of the inner commitment, love, etc. But after a few years of marriage there are so many other outer displays of those things that physical intimacy isn't as necessary to show that, so I think it becomes less important, less exciting, less everything. =/
It probably wasn't the best idea to tell your husband that you had a sex dream about someone else (fantasy or otherwise). His silence is probably him being sad or upset that you were excited by someone other than him.
I agree with other posts that husbands stop being romantic the way they use to when we dated them or within the first year of marriage, but it takes two to get romance going. I didn't usually initiate sex and my hubby told me that because he had to do everything that he didn't think I was attracted to him and he was starting to not be interested. I thought it was because he wasn't attracted to me anymore. If you find that he is having to initiate romance all the time you may want to try doing it more often. He may just be tired of doing it.
I'm not sure if you ask him "Am I pretty" a lot, but that can be a mood killer too. He obviously thought you were beautiful enough to marry you so be confident that he loves you. If you start showing that confidence in the bedroom he will start responding and start making you feel that way all the time.
Just like any other aspect in marriage, romance is give n' take. If you try it you may see results. I hope this helps.