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Separation!! Lawyers, MSWs, Psychiatrists WWYD?
DH & I are fine! But, Ladies, I need some advice and ideas please. Some of you have personal and some have professional experience with separation.
Background: Mom & her DH (does NOT mean "dear") have separated. She now lives with my sis in FL, he with his son in MI. This is not a legal separation, just a physical one.The primary reason for separating (yes her choice, she said so on tape and with witnesses) was she needed more care (right on the cusp of the "home care vs. nursing home" decision). He refused to admit and accept they really needed help. He fired one companion we hired, fired Meals on Wheels after two days, tried to convince Mom she didn't need help, refused to pay for anything other than a bathing assistant 45 min. twice weekly. Also nagged her regularly about trying to get his name on her bank accts. My sis has had PoA for several years because Mom mistrusted him - he gives lots of money to the church. That would be OK, except he then claims to be unable to afford to contribute living expenses. Mom owns and paid for all maintenance and utilities of house they lived in. He only bought groceries, claiming he took care of the MI apartment and that was his half of their expenses -- where neither of them had set foot at all for 4 yrs. and only for 3 months/yr for a decade before that (and anyway his son owns it now that dad signed it over to him - yes, they are the landlord).
Mom has to pay for her own health care assistants, and incidental expenses (special food, sanitary supplies, etc.) Sis is working hard at getting Mom right medical care, diet, books and DVDs, calls to friends, etc. as well as managing the expenses but she is starting to burn out. (We all live in different states, so I do the information gathering and legal research to take that effort off her.) The DH will only agree to pay for "medical" expenses such as hospital co-pays, says home care is not "medical" even though doing without that would mean going to a nursing home which would cost more and make no one happy.
In addition to the financial issues (he is very well off, although on
paper he looks poor because he signed over all his assets to son --
ignoring his 2 daughters) he calls a couple times weekly and nags Mom about moving back to her house and "bring back all your stuff" , i.e., furniture, dishes, clothes. Then carries on about how much he loves her, misses her, blah-blah. She says "if you love me, you would pay for the care I need." Whenever she talks to him she is worried literally sick for a couple of days and has to be reminded that we will not let him do anything to her. He was told at least twice to write letters, not call but he calls anyway. Sis is now just hanging up the phone and doesn't tell Mom he called. (It always goes to answering machine.) I think Sis should answer and tell him again to write letters but she refuses to do that.
The Dilemma: I talked to one FL attorney, but have not found a way to force DH to pay for Mom's care without having a legal separation. Shame doesn't work as most of their old friends are already passed away so there are few who knew them "way back when". Also they are old-school Catholic so filing for divorce is not an option. Mom would not agree to it. (I think he's going to hell anyway for disrespecting and trying to impoverish my Mom.)
I'm considering filing elder abuse charges - only as a means to get her bills paid - but I don't know how I would prove it. The few people who knew them at heir house are his friends, not hers. The church thinks he's a saint. There was never any physical abuse, it was and is all emotional and financial. Some days Mom is mentally sharp, other days she is easily confused so I don't think she could give any coherent deposition or statement.
Yes, Mom is a wimp, and he is a control freak. These people are in their 90s!!! DHs kids are sleazy and untrustworthy (I had to guard the house when they moved him out and they still managed to steal a few things that were not his), we've never had any cooperation from them about any issue. Sis doesn't want to talk to social worker because she doesn't have the energy for more talk now, she needs action. What can I do? What's the right action?
Re: Separation!! Lawyers, MSWs, Psychiatrists WWYD?
It seems crazy to us because of their age. I know young couples go through break-ups and give each other a hard time about who gets what, and plenty of men and some women refuse to pay child support or alimony or whatever.
This situation is complicated by both parties being physically infirm so they must rely on others (kids, friends, hired help) to get them around, dial the phone for them,etc. I suspect dementia is a big factor too. He's always been self-centered and stingy, but in the last couple of years had been depriving both himself and her of all but the bare necessities -while writing more and more checks to various church groups. And refusing to let her see the income tax return she had to sign, which I find highly suspicious, no?
Still boils down to they are legally married, but he refuses to support her, all the while yelling about how sacred marriage vows are and they shouldn't be apart. (They've been married over 30 years.) Well, we here know that marriage vows are supposed to be a two-way street, you take the whole package, you don't pick and choose the part you like! It is so infuriating because he is not poor and could actually afford to pay for decent food and a home care companion. My sis is only asking him to pay for 3 half-days weekly! So, you know, she can have time to go to the store and work at her part-time job.
Mom is running a tiny deficit now against SS; we are trying to protect her small savings so it will be available if she does need to go to a home. None of us have the resources to just pick up the tab or pay big attorney fees. I'm trying to do as much homework as possible so I can figure out what if any legal leverage we have. I know it varies by state, but am hoping someone here has some hints what I could do.
This isn't legal advice, even though I am a lawyer, this is just what I would do.
It sounds like Mom can't make decisions for herself anymore. I don't know what the PoA says, but it seems like time to put Mom in a assisted living facility that SS & medicare will pay for. If the PoA allows your sis to do it, she should. If not, there are legal routes to go through to get your or your sis control over your mother. In the meantime, her DH may get involved b/c he wants control of the $$$, make sure you document everything he won't pay for or has stopped her from receiving. That's what I would want done. It may not be cheap, but it will get her the care she needs.
Understood. I regard it as clued-in comments.
Mom can still make decisions, and tell us what outcome she wants. She cannot figure out how to implement the actions to accomplish her wishes, so we are doing that for her. Yes, sis has both med PoA and business (terminology?) PoA. FL atty assures that gives same power as declaration of incompetency without the court and psychiatrist hassle. We also have Mom's meager estate protected by trusts, etc. Sis found, and straightened out, things such as: Mom had a CD (ctf deposit, not music) in her name only, but interest from that, instead of being reinvested in CD acct., went into joint account with the azzhat!
While Medicare pays most of medical recovery/rehab for 30 days, it does not pay for long-term assisted living. MedicAID does -- right after you are totally destitute. None of which should even come up because the stingy useless DH should be paying, not the government!