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SIL still awful...
After discovering my SIL "hates" me and tells people I'm "duping" her brother, we have basically stopped speaking for a year and a half. (This all came as a surprise to me right around the time DH and I got married after 7 years of dating.) Which is not to say we haven't seen each other. Some examples: (1) When DH and I visited his family for a holiday last year, I walked upstairs to hear his sister sobbing in the kitchen about how whe won't "kiss my feet." Hmmm... (2) I threw DH a birthday party. SIL didn't respond to the invite. I texted her to see if she was coming to finalize the reservation, she didn't respond for hours but did call up a mutual friend while ignoring my message to tell the friend she was going to attend. SIL came and pretended like I didn't exist. Her entourage hugged me goodbye while she stood at the door and looked away. (4) We went to church with DH's family. DH sat down in the pew next to SIL. She angrily stood up and moved to the other side of her mom. (3) DH and I announced to his family that we were pregnant. We gave them gifts with cute handmade cards, including a gift for SIL. She sat there near tears and didn't say a single word, no congrats, nothing. Now I'm hosting a baby shower for a mutual family friend. Again, felt the need to invite the SIL (after all, it's a party for the friend and not me). Of course, SIL doesn't respond to the evite. Nope, she calls up a different friend to rsvp. Aggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! How am I going to make it through a two hour baby shower with this awful woman??!!!
Re: SIL still awful...
You guys aren't speaking, but you invited her to your husband's birthday party? Sounds like you guys are sending some pretty mixed messages.
As for the shower, just be civil/polite if she approaches you, but don't go out of your way to engage her. If she makes a scene, that's on her.
You're giving her too much power. She ignores you - GOOD. This is a good thing and should actually make being around her easy.
The problem is that you're looking forher to come around. you're treating her "as usual" when she obviously doesn't want that.
Yes, invite her to events like this where she should be invited (althought, dont' know that your DH's party counts...), but stop expecting her to contact you. And w/ stuff like gifts? Either stop giving her gifts or accept that she isn't going to receive them and jump for joy the way you want her to.
If you dont' do this, she will forever have the power.
ACCEPT that she is how she is, stop expecting her to be any different, and TAKE that power from her. in essence - stop caring! if you stop caring and worrying about her and looking at her and observing how she acts - the less she can get to you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
How old is she? She sounds woefully immature.
I don't know if she'll come around in time. For now, let her have her space. I wouldn't invite her to anything. She doesn't want to be there, apparently, so why ask her?
Just venting really. I feel like not inviting her to these types of events or excluding her from our baby announcement when I knew she'd be sitting right there would be mean. And even if she's downright nasty, that doesn't mean I should be. Her family is of the opinion she's going through a "difficult" time (she's in her late-twenties, single, kind of lonely, and works a lot) and keep saying to be "patient." It makes me want to scream but I think the best advice really is to try to stop caring and not let it get to me. Oh, and adjust my expectations to reality. I keep thinking she'll grow up and snap out of it when I guess I need to just accept the situation is not changing in the forseeable future.
1- if you don't want to exclude her, that's fine. But you need to stop expecting "normal" reactions from her when you do include her. You just have to! You'll both be at a busy baby shower and you know she won't talk to you. Good. Focus on the other people there. Don't give her any more of your attention than is necessary.
2- with this next statement, I'm not excusing her behavior if she's nasty and rude. But I will say this... you think it's cute to give everyone something to announce your pregnancy. O.k. - I can appreaciate that.
But try to look at it from her point of view. She's single and lonely. Seeing her brother get married and now have a child... being included in this big announcement and then being given a gift - it may have been really hard for her and it may have felt to HER like you are shoving your wonderful life in her face. "Look at what WEEEE have!!! You all need to jump for joy and be happy for US!!!!!"
I know that's not your intention, but that may be her perception. When you're at a place in life that you don't want to be, your emotions can become really raw and you can become very focused on seeing slights even where none are intended.
Again- she doesn't get a pass for being nasty. But I also want you to think about how your actions might come across to others.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Of course your feelings are going to be hurt if you keep trying to be friendly to her and you expect her to reciprocate. SHE'S NOT GOING TO. I agree that she sounds like a brat, but ultimately you are the one setting yourself up for disappointment by giving her all of these second chances to be nice to you.
Either stop including her in things and ignore her completely, or invite her to things purely out of obligation but don't expect anything positive from her and stop taking her negative reactions so personally. Don't keep trying to turn her into a nice person, because it ain't gonna happen.
What does your husband think and/or do about all of this? It seems like you are battling this on your own.
From the outside, it looks like she is treating you like dirt and you keep being nice, thinking that she will change. I am one who will try and try and then just leave it alone when I don't feel I am getting anywhere. Why waste time?
I saw in your response about her situation that she is single, lonely, etc. Chances are, she feels jealous that her brother is married and is now having a child. That is in no way going to excuse her being rude to you, but you are giving her the upper hand and allowing her to make you feel uncomfortable.
For the shower, you are throwing the shower for your friend. I would focus my time on your friend and be nice to all of the guests equally, including SIL. I would not go out of my way to be nice or invite her to any more events until she decides to be decent to you.
Well, she's an idiot. I don't agree with the being patient part, or in continuing to invite her places she clearly is not interested in coming; or in sending out messages over and over like the two of you are best buddies.
She doesn't like you, and she's abominably rude to you. You're going to have various family events that she 'should' be invited to (holidays, family bdays etc), and when those come up, your dh can invite her; it's his sister, not yours. If she cuts you in your own home, stop inviting her; and if she asks why, your dh can tell her 'you just seem so angry and unhappy when we DO invite you, and you won't respond or speak when you're at our home, that we thought you would prefer not to be invited so we didn't". With people like this, it's best to make things most comfortable for yourself, since nothing you do will make her happy.
And really; you have an obligation to your other guests to not invite a complete pill to the party all the time. She's a complete bitchh. Too, when you invite her? Send a written invitation, not an evite or text; with a request for an RSVP at dh's number. This woman's pathological misery at your and your dh's happiness is not your problem to solve.
I'm sorry. That has to be so hard to deal with for this long. My Brother-in-law is about to marry a woman who sounds a lot like your SIL. I'm scared to what is to come but am just glad that she isn't my DH's sister.
Best of luck. She just sounds petty and hopefully you can make it throught it w/o going crazy.