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How do you get husband to "edit" his things
I've been married for a year and a week, been living together for 2+ years. I moved into the condo he has from his parents... and he's 10 years older than me, so I basically moved into his bachelor pad... With him being 10 years older than me and being on his own for 15 years, he's accumulated a lot of stuff... and I mean A LOT! 3 bedroom condo, and we only use 1, our bedroom. There is one bedroom and 3 walk-in closets FULL of stuff he refuses to get rid of. The 3rd room is somewhat usable, but I refuse to use it because it stresses me out. That being said, it is next to impossible to get him to even organize anything, let alone get rid of. There are cords and wires everywhere that he refuses to manage, empty Lego boxes and other empty boxes that he holds on to 'just in case'. Expensive computer hard drives and video cards get thrown into the room and broken beyond repair. Typically he'll need them again, but we have to go spend money we're trying to save because he was careless with it in the first place. He knows all of his stuff stresses me out, and I have fibromyalgia, so stress only causes more flare ups, which leads to mood swings and depression, so I end up lashing out at him and nothing gets done. I 'edit' my life. If I haven't used it or needed it, or worn it in 6 months, it's donated or thrown away. I spend all this time and money on storage solutions that make it easy for him to put things away when he's done with them, and they work for about 2 weeks, then he's over it. I spend hours organizing what I can and make labels and put things in easy to access places, and nothing ever makes it back! So the next time he needs it, or I need it, we can't find it, which leads to arguments over who had it last, which leads to the task getting done hours later or never. And I'm quite a stickler for time and using it wisely.
We want to start a family soon, and I don't want our children learning his bad habits and growing up in a cluttered enviroment, because I'll be stressed and take it out on him and the kid(s). I've tried everything to get him to edit his belongings, I try to be respectful of them; letting him make the decision of what to do with things, rather than me going all crazy lady and throwing all his things out. I've given him consequences; not making dinner, not answering his phone calls, slient treatment (which never works); and he knows it bothers me so he knows that I'll clean up after him eventually. I can't physically and mentally do it anymore, we've had conservations, but I just end up yelling at him because he doesn't get how much it stresses me out...
Any tips would be helpful...
Re: How do you get husband to "edit" his things
If you're talking about starting a family have you tried using that as an angle? I mean, a baby is going to need one of those rooms and as they start crawling, walking, etc stuff that's left out could be dangerous.
Honestly, I'd move into a new place. It sounds like a drastic move, but it could help.
When DH moved into my apartment, I was angry at him for everything he moved. However, he needed to move my stuff to make way for his things, and I never had the time to stay home and move my own things. In fact, I already had my things where I wanted them and I just didn't take into consideration what the apartment would look like with two people living in it.
We moved into a new apartment that was "ours" instead of mine. Suddenly the spare bedroom was divided down the middle. I got half and DH got half. It was fair, and I never got territorial about it, because it wasn't mine.
We have an easy time "editing" because he has his space and I have mine. We now live in a 3 BR house. We have his room, her room, and our room. Since he has his own room, I don't question anything in it. He can have it filled to the brim, and I don't care. However, if things sprawl out into the common areas, they are fair game.
I just flat out ask him, "Does this work, and when did you use it last? Can we donate it?" Usually he goes along.
I'm the same way with my stuff. If it's in my room, he can't question it. If it's taking up space anywhere else in the house, I have to answer some questions if I want to keep it.
If moving isn't an option, at the very least, tell him how much space you need and ask him to condense his belongings into a specific area. You're not asking him to get rid of things. You're just asking him to provide you with more space and to move them. Of course, since the space he's getting is smaller, he'll inevitably have to get rid of some things, but you can't have his crap everywhere.
I think Collegegirl is spot on - you're living in HIS apartment. He hasn't wrapped his mind around the fact that he has to share. If moving is in your future, just hang on until then. Otherwise try to gently bring up this fact and suggest a yours, mine, and ours room agreement for the meantime. He can keep whatever he wants as long as it fits in one room.
Also, stop acting like a child and giving him the silent treatment/not cooking meals/ etc. If you want him to act like an adult you need to act the same.
This is good advice too. You can't treat adults like they are children. Giving him "consequences" is basically a power struggle between the two of you, and so far, it sounds like he's winning.
If my husband ever gave me "consequences," I'd start a rebellion like no other.
My H is the same way about saving stuff he "might" need in the future, and he's a computer guy so he has wires, CDs, and computers everywhere. We just bought our house last year and when we moved he realized just how much junk he has "just in case." He ended up getting rid of a ton of stuff and has actually kept up with it. We have a 3 bedroom and have my room, his room and our room so that has definitely helped.
If you can't move you should have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel. It will take time and you both need to come to an agreement and make sacrifices. He's been like this a long time and it's an adjustment for him, and most likely the more you push the more he'll push back. When my H, or anyone for that matter, can't see my side of things I usually leave it as "This is how I feel, now you know how I feel and I will continue to feel this way until we can discuss it again or come to an understanding" and then leave it at that. Pushing the issue isn't going to go anywhere, and often people need time to think about things before they make a change. Good luck!
My husband was the same way - when I moved into his townhome there was stuff EVERYWHERE. We are in the process of moving & two things have helped immensely.
#1. Showing him how NICE a clean house can be. I went through & boxed all his crap up. Shoved it in a closet. He LOVED how the place looked. It gave him incentive to go through said crap when he realized how nice his house could look without it.
#2. Moving. Seriously, NO ONE wants to take the time to pack, store, move, or unpack stuff that is unimportant to them. I can't tell you how many contractor bags we've filled of stuff we "needed" to save. HA!
First, you need to accept that he will NEVER be as organized and clutter-free as you would like. Never.
Second, you need to stop acting like his mother and stop the "consequences" and other petty crap. It is not healthy for your marriage.
Third, you are completely reasonable to want to have one of the spare rooms for your use. I think you should ask him to give you some space in the house so that you can feel like it is "ours" not "his". (My DH had lived in his house for 12 years before we married, so I feel your pain, I really do. I had a mini-breakdown one day because he had so much crap in our closet and it made me feel like an intruder. Fortunately the breakdown made him see how I was feeling. A year later, we moved and that helped even more.)
I suggest that you give him the room that is somewhat useable. Perhaps the two of you can add more shelving in the room so he can move stuff over in a somewhat organized manner. I might even point out to him that if there were more shelves and a little organization, he could actually have more stuff in the room than if it's all just a pile. And as a bonus, he could actually get to that stuff.
When you talk to him, I would totally make this about your needs - you need to feel like it's your home too, you need some space, you need to feel like he wants you there, you want to make a home together and not just live on the fringes of his former life - and not about his bad habits.
@jjenkins-We had a conversation the other night and I brought that up, it seemed to click. I literally saw light bulbs go off in his eyes when I said that I don't want to even have kids if we can't manage this. I mentioned that when we watch our nephew at our house how he only has a tiny little area that he can play in because there is some much stuff everywhere else. I think he got it, because later that night we cleaned out one of the closets and donated 3 bags of stuff to Goodwill.
@collegegirl-Moving isn't an option right now, what we have right now could work if we could put a little work into it.
@kay-To me, giving consequences is not acting like a child, the ones I give may not be the right ones, but something is better than nothing, it's what I think is the best way to get my point across. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. He at least knows that I'm not going to be like his mother and threaten but just end up cleaning up after him anyways.
We ended up having a conversation about it all, and he now understands how his mess makes me stressed, and that I need his support and help managing the household... so we'll see how we manage things. Thanks for all the input, I did use some in our conversation.
Might be a good incentive to have him take his things to a pawn shop or something like that. H took his old video games to a store to trade for Magic:The Gathering cards...the cards are smaller than the games so I didn't argue. It helped a little bit.
I made him also buy a card-organizing box (which I have a feeling I'll be filling for him) which should help him keep things under control for us. If it really comes down to it, pick a closet and get rid of empty boxes, ect (he won't notice probably) and re-stuff it with stuff to see if he notices THAT :P
I wouldn't suggest doing the same with your H's things, however. That would be disrespectful.