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Family Get-Togethers/Events
Question from a lurker... with my husband's family, he and I are RARELY invited to events with his two older sisters and their families. Until recently, we lived very close to them, yet never got invited to sporting events for the kids, beach trips that both families and my ILs went on, etc. It always seemed that someone "forgot" to tell us. Sometimes we would receive a last minute invite and when we already had plans, I became the "bad guy", etc and they gave my DH a huge guilt trip. We want to be a part of the family and close to our nieces and nephews, but it is hard when we never know about anything.
However, when we would plan something and would not include them, they would throw these big fits, etc. and say that I did not want to be a part of the family. You know the drill.
We have now moved 9 hours away and I am trying my hardest to keep a relationship with my SILs and their families for my husband's sake. I just found out via facebook (which can be so evil) that all of my husband's family, including his parents and two sets of family friends (one who is from 1 hour away from where we currently live) are all at the beach together this week. My husband and I were never invited. Granted, we do live a long way away, but with enough notice, we would have arranged to be there.
Should I be continuously upset at us being left out all of the time? My husband says they have always been like this, but I can tell that it hurts him which in turns hurts me. Any opinions/thoughts on this? Should I just let it go or nicely mention it to my SILs/MIL? I know we do live a ways away now, but still, we would like to be included on family beach trips and other things that we could try to attend.
PLEASE tell me if I am being ridiculous here! Thanks for reading my novel!
Re: Family Get-Togethers/Events
If you don't want to be blamed, then stay out of it. You say it upsets your DH (but DOES it? You say you can "tell" it does, but have you talked to him about it!?) - if it upsets him enough, then he can talk to his family about it.
But you trying to go in and be the peacemaker- you're only going to put a bigger target on your back.
I really don't think it's your job to play nice w/ his family for his sake. Why isn't he trying to keep a relationship going with them? He needs to step up here and deal with them. They blame you for keeping him away - does he TELL them that this isn't the case? That it's actually THEIR lack of invite or last minute invite that keeps him away?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you SO much. This is exactly what I needed to hear! I have talked to him about it, but he tends to just shrug it off. Maybe you are right - maybe it doesn't upset him enough??
And I am also going to stop trying! It really isn't my job - you are 100 % right. Thanks ECB!
It's his family. Don't take it upon yourself to scold them for his sake, especially since he clearly does not feel strongly enough about this issue to say something to them about it. If you confront them on your husband's behalf, it's only going to make you look like a control freak in their eyes, or like you're trying to alienate their precious baby from his family. Stay out of it.
If they call you in the future for a last-minute event, let your husband handle the call. It's wrong that they turn you into the bad guy, but after a few times of dealing with that surely you realized how they operate ... stop allowing them to pin the blame on you by not being the one to take the call in the first place. Say a quick hello and then pass the phone to your husband.
Ditto EastCoast, he needs to tell them that this last-minute B.S. won't work. He needs to say, "Sorry, we already have plans. Next time we need at least x weeks' notice if you want to get together with us. We'll be free on [dates] if you want to plan something for then."
This exactly. It is not your job to win them over. For most people, not being involved with their in laws makes an ideal marriage.
My DH's family is like this to some extent (but more complicated due to people who got divorced 30 yrs ago and still hate each other, lol).
Anyway, I stay out of it, and try to keep my mouth shut. I never end up being able to- I always *** to DH that they are crazy and he just rolld his eyes, and says "I know...... " and sighs. He doesn't like it but doesn't care enough to try to change it.
We leave to visit the IL's in a week, and FIL is playing some kind of "I might not be able to get off work to see you" game. But oh the guilt trip we will get.... As far as I am concerned though, I don't particularly like them, so if I never have to see them, no loss! It has taken me awhile to get to that point though! At first I wanted to try to have a relationship bc I thought I should (Not bc I really wanted to).
As long as your husband is not blaming you for this either to your face or behind you back, then it does not really matter what you do. My ex used to have the same laid back attitude, seeing his family didn't matter, he said negative things about them and that he did not want to spend time with them. Then told me it was all my fault while I was doing what you were and encouraging them/him to go and have everyone included.
I agree with PP, this is your husband's problem to deal with, not yours. It's his family but here's what I don't understand from your OP:
If you are so upset about not being invited to things, then why are you doing the same to them? It seems to me if you want to be included and invited to things, the easiest thing to do that is invite them to things at your house and hope to start building relationships with them in the hopes they will return and start inviting you to things as well. They may be perceiving the situation the same way as you are. Now if you have invited them a few times and they always say no, well then I take it back. I wouldn't be bothering anymore either, and I would be sure DH was letting them know when they have their "big fits" that they weren't invited because they always say no so you are keeping the blame on them.
I probably wasn't clear about when we plan events. We tried inviting them at first, but they were always too busy or didn't want to do what we were doing. They also would get upset if we planned things with friends, or my family members. I think they just like to cause drama honestly!
I think I wanted to care because I did want a relationship with them, but between thinking and reading, I am realizing its just not worth the effort. Thanks everyone!
I'm not entirely following your nuance. Does everyone really forget, or is that just an excuse to exclude you? Because your post makes it seem like you are deliberately excluded and blown-off and that hurts DH's feelings.
But then you say that you get last-minute invites and huge guilt-trips when you say no. So, they do want you there? Are they just bad planners?
In any event, I agree with ECB that this is ENTIRELY your DH's to sort out. If everyone in the family is at the beach house and it hurts your DH's feelings that he was not invited, then HE should address it with his parents. Sometimes space is limited or assumptions are made and everyone doesn't get invited. That's okay. They can vacation without him.
In the same way, he doesn't have to drop at a moments notice to change his plans when invitations come late. It's a two way street.
I think what you are really struggling with is that these folks 'want what they want, when they want it', sometimes that includes you, sometimes it doesn't and you just have to accomodate them no matter what. And its always your fault when you don't snap-to or notice they haven't included you. DH should set them straight.
I've been through lots and lots of family events such as this one/these "forgetful moments." Honestly I've dealt with it by telling people "I/We'd love to see you and spend time but both parties need to make it happen." Whether that includes multiple people or just one person, sometimes people need to hear point blank that they are wanted in your life and that you want to be obviously wanted in theirs. We make the effort to include our families. If they chose not to include us then that is on them - it hurts, but we tried. We want to be involved, so it hurts when we get left out or feel like we can't be met half-way sometimes. Though some people just think that since you are not right down the street that you don't want to be involved with them. It takes a little more planning when you live very far away so there is extra effort there, but after telling both my family and his that we wanted to at least know what's going on it seems like they are more conscious to include us, even if it is impossible for us to be there or them to be here. So many families lack communication skills these days.
I would recommend keeping it simple and let everyone know that you guys do want to be in the know for family things with enough time to make plans. But make sure you are letting them in too. By telling all involved parties personally then there will be no miscommunication and everyone could be on the same page as far as possible trips to plan together in the future. Families are so important, even if they live far away.