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legit MIL ISSUES...would love some advice! (sorry this is long...got carried away with the ranting p
I know most people have MIL issues, but for the most part, my MIL and I get along and I enjoy hanging out with her and my FIL. There's really only one issue, but it is a big one...it started off as a tiny problem when we were dating, but now that we're married it's a HUGE issue (we've been married for about a year now).
The issue is this: my MIL plans 1,324,759 family events per month that I feel like we are expected to attend (ok, more like 3-6 events per month). DH and I bought a house about 40 minutes north west of MIL/FIL. (I had thought that this would fix the issue by itself, since we're much farther away--BIL/SIL live five minutes from MIL/FIL and I figured they would get all of the invites--not the case). DH commutes an hour and fifteen minutes south of our house, and I commute an hour north, so we spend a lot of time driving, and we both have opposing work schedules, so we don't have a lot of time at our house together.
MIL plans these birthday dinners/cousin's graduation party/long lost cousin visiting from Arizona party/etc etc and basically sends everyone out an email saying "make sure you work early so you can be at my house in time for dinner." I get these emails and they make me absolutely livid. I'm REALLY trying not to let them bother me so much, but I get rediculously frusterated by them. Also, DH's older brother is married and MIL/FIL don't particularly like his wife very much and they talk about how rude she is all the time. My FIL calls me his favorite daughter in law, which I love! So part of me is stressed out about losing my favorite DIL position and the likely impending negative talk that will result from us skipping out on family stuff. (I hear how they talk about my sister in law...I wonder how they will talk about me!?)
My FIL doesn't work (and hasn't for the past 10 years or so--even when he did, he worked from home and was self employed) and has always done all of their house work (laundry, cleaning, dishes etc), so I don't think she understands what it is to take care of a house & husband. DH and I are pretty traditional and I do all of the cooking/cleaning/laundry and he does all of the "man stuff-which is actually a lot right now in terms of yard work and home improvement stuff". At the end of the day after my hour commute each way, an hour or so at the gym, and then keeping up with house stuff, I am flippin exhausted and the last thing I want to do is go to my in laws house. Oh yeah, DH and I are also in night school for our MBAs too, so that also adds to the stress.
I have talked to DH about this before, and he pulls the "why don't you want to hang out with my family" thing. It's always a "you don't like my family--all they want to do is see us and cook us a nice dinner, etc etc etc" I've told him that the issue is the convenience factor and the fact that even if we are free, that doesnt mean I want to drive the 40 min each way and hang out with his parents. (And just because we don't have ironed out plans, doesn't mean I don't have things I need to get done: gym, laundry, cleaning--I am a bit of a neat freak-- etc). I'm going to start to resent his family if I keep having to go to two family get togethers for random holidays a week!
I guess I'm just looking on some advice on developing my action plan to fix this. I forsee this being a huge problem in our marriage if we don't nip this in the bud now. I want my husband to talk to his mom and let her know that she needs to scale back on the familiy events and that his priority our (as in his and my) family, not his extended family (parents/siblings/nieces/nephews etc). Any tips on how to present this to DH without him getting defensive would be much appreciated.
Re: legit MIL ISSUES...would love some advice! (sorry this is long...got carried away with the ranting p
I don't really think this requires a big sit down talk between your H and his mom. I do think that you and your H should talk though and figure out how much is too much when it comes to visiting families and talk about the ability that you both have to say no. Your h sounds like he bends to them every time (and you go along for the ride) let him know that you love his family but you feel like you're there a lot and would like some more time with just the two of you, or that you feel rushed when you're going straight from work to their house (maybe you can limit it to when they invite you on a weekend). You really need to get on the same page with your H first though, let him know that you would think the same if it was your family.
after that, he just needs to learn who to say "sorry mom we can't make it this time, I'm sure we'll see you soon though, have fun! "
This isn't a MIL problem, this is a DH problem. Just because you are "expected" to go to your inlaw's house doesn't mean you have to.
I had kind of the reverse of this problem early in my relationship with DH--I wanted to see my family ~1/week, DH thought this was too often. We learned to compromise--now, when my family invites us somewhere, sometimes we'll both go, sometimes we'll both stay home, and sometimes I'll go without him.
Tell your DH a condensed version of what you told us here: you do like his family and want to see them, but your current schedule is exhausting you, and you need to cut back on how often you see them to make more time for relaxing and for spending quality time with DH.
Well, your MIL doesn't need to scale down the number of events she plans- you can choose not to attend every event, but she can host as many gatherings as she wants. Your primary issue here is with your husband, and you're right- this has the potential to be a huge problem in your marriage.
The next time you have this conversation with your husband, and he accuses you of not liking his family, ask him why he doesn't care about your feelings.
If I were you, losing the most-favored daughter-in-law spot would be the least of my worries. It's possible that the other one isn't all that rude, she just refuses to tap dance for the in-laws the way you do and they don't like that. If you stop showing up to every single event, they probably will have a problem with it, and that's okay- it's just that: THEIR problem.
ITA
That's not going to work. You are trying to get not one, but TWO people to change and/or do what you want so you don't have to be uncomfortable with a plain 'ole "No, thanks. Not tonight." That's pretty complicated stuff.
These are invitations, not court orders. If you are busy and tired turn them down. Yes, you may loose your "favorite" DIL status. But you've had a year to in the lime light, now would be a good time to tarnish your crown a bit. And that stuff about what they would say about you - are you kidding me? That seems so manipluative.
And DH can go if he wants to. You don't have to be joined at the hip all the time.
This isn't a huge deal at all.
Exactly. Listen, it seems that the favorite DIL position comes with a price. It certainly isn't a price I would want to pay.
Let your husband know that it it nothing to do with his family, you just need a break. You would probably ask the same thing if it was your family or friends. People need downtime, personal time, housework time, couple time etc.
FWIW, my husband has had to say no to his own family too. They live on halfway across the country and when we go out to visit them; they take it upon themselves to plan out our entire vacation with parties, breakfasts, get togethers etc. My husband finally had to put his foot down on a cousin's graduation party. They had a fit and tried to guilt us into going, but he stood firm and we did whatever we wanted that day. I was really proud of him.
I don't believe this to be true.
go to the one's you want to go to. skip those you don't.
and put on your big girl pants about not being the "favorite DIL" if that's what happens.
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They get costly -- and you need not attend every event.
Tell her exactly that: they are costly, you can't be at every event and you'll send Cousin/Aunt/Relative a card and Thanks for asking us anyway.
3 - 6 a month?
Choose the ones that are important to you and your H and go to those. Your extended family is important but not 6 times a month. A couple a month isn't that big a deal and you might just enjoy them.
Update:
Talked with DH last night and explained the whole thing. He didn't realize the extensiveness of the family events per month, since he has grown up with this. DH is a smarty pants and actually said he would just let his mom know that 1) mid week events are hard for us to get to bc of our commute/etc 2)consolidating events would be a great idea and 3) we aren't going to prioritize her events over spending time together/doing other things we want to do--there are going to be events we can't come to, and she'll need to be ok with that. So, problem solved! I also talked to DH about how I was worried that his parents would talk about me the way they talk about my sister in law, and he said he didn't think that would happen, and that if he explained the circumstances etc as to why we can't attend every event, they would understand.
DH was suprised I was so upset about this, but he wasn't copied on each email I got last week ( 1 per day Thursday-Saturday) and then the 2 emails I got yesterday morning from the MIL
haha.
Thanks for the advice ladies!!!
How about your just sit your H down (and yes, the ladies are right: this is a DH problem, not a MIL problem) and say, "hey, I'm going to try to attend X number of events per month. No rollover, just a set max. If you have any preferred events you'd rather I came with you to, that's fine, and you can go to whatever you want, but my limit is going to be X because (and this is important!!) I want to continue to enjoy going to see your folks and I don't want to create a feeling of resentment." You set your own X and see how he feels about it.
And then, when you get the invitation (not a summons, PP was dead on there), discuss it with him and see if that's something you want to spend your allotment on, and if he's planning on going (after all, while you could probably go alone, I'm thinking you'd rather go with him...?).
Good luck!
Oh, we must be married into the same family!! AGH!! I deal with the same crap with my inlaws, and I agree with PPs that it's an issue with you and your husband, not your inlaws. You can't control them having a million and one family events, you can't control them asking you to attend, but you CAN control how you and your husband react to it.
It took me a long time to realize this, and I finally talked to my husband and really got him to see where I was coming from. When we got married our minister said something really beautiful about how now we were each other's family, each other's first priority. I pointed out to my DH that we were both really busy with work and my finishing school, and house projects and our friends and families, and it was really hard to find for us. We sat down and decided how to spend our time, much like a monthly budget, but with hours instead of $$$. Instead of making it about his parents, I made it about wanting to spend more time with him.
He was SO much more responsive to this than he had been before when I would just complain and *** about yet another family gathering. And now he's started saying no to his folks even without my asking. Just the other day I overheard him telling his dad that we couldn't make it down, not because we had anything going on, but because we just needed some time to ourselves. SUCCESS!!
Good Luck to you!
Maybe MIL learned that she got her way when she emailed you (the eager-to-please DIL) instead of her own son?
I'm glad you spoke with DH and found a solution that worked for you.
Just a few more thoughts
1) There is no law that says you MUST attend events together. If dh's schedule is open and he wants to attend his cousin's middle-school graduation party - good for him! You can work out and do laundry while DH gives your regrets.
2) Decide which events you would try to make even if it meant you needed to change your schedule (a wedding, a baptism, etc.). If you make rules (even to yourself) about which events you will try your hardest to attend, you can start to allow yourself to let the other events (graduations, band concerts) fall by the wayside.
I literally deal with almost identical issues with our ILs. We moved about an hour away in attempt to distance ourselves, but we still got the same invites. I had a lot of resentment towards them because I felt that their requests were so inconsiderate. Not to mention, we spent about 90% of our family visits with DH's parents and rarely mine.
We recently lost our beautiful new home in the devastating storms that swept through Alabama on 4/27, only four months after purchasing our new place in the Historical District of my hometown.
We are STILL getting weekly emails from my MIL requesting (not asking for) our attendance at every family gathering. And I say gathering because she will plan a dinner for everything, not just legit holidays. And never considering whether or not we may want to see other friends/family... or not see anyone at all! They assume since we've been staying in a hotel that we MUST want to come stay with them all the time. Which is exactly opposite of what we need.
I've been declining invites more than ever the past few weeks. I used to worry about explaining why we need space and when we have other plans. But now, I realize that I truly need to nurture my marriage and deal with the emotions we are experiencing together. We have a long road of recovery ahead of us! Regardless, smother-in-law remains very frustrating.