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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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MIL - so nice but too pushy for me
Let me begin by saying that my mother-in-law is honestly very nice...and I think she always has good intentions. That doesn't mean that she doesn't annoy me, however. My daughter will be 3 in August and my MIL adores her. She sees my daughter 5 days per week because I'm lucky enough to bring her to work with me and have care provided for her here w/plenty of space to play and her own "bedroom" etc. My MIL wants to see more of her and is always pushing to get together...my husband and I both work full time so weekend bonding time is important to us. MIL feels we should ALL be one big happy family and that's where the disagreement is. I don't want to leave out details, but don't want to make this too lengthy either. The point is, this really is a problem for me because she acts like a mother to my daughter...doesn't really EVER back off and let me take over when she's around...she does it all w/great love to my daughter but it feels AWFUL to me. I feel that she is far too pushy...and she doesn't understand that when I try to explain it to her. She wants to know why I have to be so private and stand-offish...and that's not it, I just want this to be MY family...the one I created. My husband, my daughter, and me. Ok - enough rambling. I just don't know how to deal w/this because I am ALWAYS the one w/the problem (though I bring it up in a thoughtful way) and she'll back off for a week then we're right back to square one. I can't take it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Re: MIL - so nice but too pushy for me
Can you put some paragraphs in your posts? They're really hard to read.
I'm kind of confused about your situation- where do you work? Do you work with your MIL?
In any case, the problem is your husband, not your mother-in-law. The two of you need to agree on some boundaries and present a united front in sticking to them.
Sorry about the long posts...
Yes, my MIL work together in an office for a small company. My husband works there as well but is often traveling for work.
I'm so sorry for the long posts ...I'm just so frustrated. Part of my frustration, I think, is because I generally LIKE my MIL...but I just can't keep her at a distance. She's relentlessly pushing for more closeness.
I'm starting to think that the best solution would be to relocate!
Sorry, but that is a bunch of crap. What he is pretty much saying is that he is too chicken to stand up to his mom and would rather you be upset than her.
Listen, stop feeling guilty for wanting to spend time alone with your little family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact it is healthy. Very healthy. I wouldn't want to spend that much time with family either. It sounds like she is suffocating you guys and needs to back off. I also wouldn't fall for the whole " Oh I just love her so much" schpeil. I personally think she is manipulating you.
This is what I would do. Next time she wants to do something together or take your DD somewhere just simply say " Sorry, that won't work for us." No details, no reasons, just a vague " That won't work for us." Then if she gets upset, pouty, sad, or goes on and on about how much she loves your guys, you just smile and go about your business. You have to be ok with her being sad or else this won't get better.
Now this will work so much better if your husband is on the same page. How to make that happen? I really don't know. IT seems his priorities are out of whack but don't apologize for what you want. IT is very normal and healthy to want more private time.
P.S. How much time do you get for lunch? Could you just take your DD on a walk somewhere without MIL.
I could have written this post. I, too, have a MIL who is very nice but does not understand boundaries. I have spent my entire relationship with DH "nicely" keeping our distance and now we have a LO, the only grandchild, so you can just imagine what I'm up against.
The first problem is that MIL sees her 5 days per week. Like I tell my MIL, grandparents are meant to spoil- and caregivers should not be doing so. It may be convenient, but it's a bad idea. If you say you MUST work together because the family business is such a good job, then fine, but send LO to daycare a few days per week. It will be well worth the money and the pros of daycare will outweigh the cons. Especially when MIL is outright ignoring your care requests (ex. Snickers incident).
Second, emphasize with DH (and he can talk to MIL) that you are your own family unit. How else does she expect you and DH to maintain well bonded relationships within your marriage and with LO? If you have to get together outside of work, then set limits, for example, twice per month (given that you already see her regularly.)
When MIL makes suggestions like the "stayover 3 nights per week" suggestion for ex, maybe respond with "DH and I will discuss" or "I'll get back to you" or "We'll see". If nothing else, it buys you time to decide how tell her you're not comfortable.
Most importantly, you need to nip as much of this in the bud as possible as soon as possible. It only makes it worse that you work together, but you will just have to be that much more direct- in a kind and reasonable way. Maintain your family's personal space and stand your ground. Your marriage will depend on it.
Other posters have given you good advice about the crux of your issue but....you let your not quite 3 year old have Snickers bars? And other candy?
If your DD only saw her grandma once in a while I might let it slide but she sees her almost every day - which means she's getting crap an awful lot. I'd put the kabosh on that real quick. Can't she give her "treats" like Teddy Grahams or something?
I second this although I think you should also try to see some of this from your MIL's point. She certainly loves your daughter, although the candy thing isn't a good idea. If she wants to give your daughter sweets, you should tell her that sugarless gum would be a better idea. A quarter of a piece is enough of a treat and not enough to choke on. Kids love this and it's pretty harmless.
If you think that all of you, your husband, your MIL and you working in the same place is ideal, let me tell you that it's not. No matter how much money you are making or how much you save on child care, it's not a good situation for anyone.
Get a new job, a nanny or daycare and have a normal relationship with your MIL.
As it stands now, your daughter will never know a normal relatioship with her grandmother and that's not good for any of you.
Good luck with this.
I meant to add this on because I remember as a child how much fun it was to spend the night at Grandma's house. And I'm sure my parents enjoyed a bit of alone time after a long week.
You mentioned that you're not all fuzzy love but perhaps your daughter should learn that emotions are to be shared with loved ones they trust.
I didn't read everything, but I have a few things to say.
First, I agree- get a new job or put your DD in daycare. You need to create more of a division.
Second, TAKE CONTROL. It's not on her to "let you" intervene and be a parent. It's on YOU to step in and be the mom.
Third, and most importantly, stop "explaining" things to her. The more you defend and try to explain your point, the more room you give her to argue. As another person said - don't explain WHY you don't want to see her on the weekend. Just say "sorry, we're busy". Period.
explaining anything to her really only tells her that her opinion matters and she has a say.
And actually - sorry, this is the most important thing - kick your DH in the ASS. He doesnt' want to upset mommy? I'd make him more afraid of upsetting ME than mommy, to be blunt. That's your biggest issue here. He doesn't back you up. Doesn't mean you can't take more control here, but at the same time, if he were on your side, a lot of this would be easier to handle.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
your DH is right. she wont change....because she dosnt have to because everyone is putting up with it.
Set the ground rules and follow them. I agree with a previous post of maybe one weekend a month with extended family. But the others are for you, your DH and child.
Perhaps GIVE her your child for a weekend and you and DH go off and have a romantic weekend....whether away or just at home alone. Work it to your advantage!
I could have written this post. My FMIL is the exact same way. She is ALWAYS (daily) around/popping in uninvited and she acts like my DS's mother when she is around. When she is around he is her entire focus. She talks to him, plays with him, feeds him, basically everything a mother should do. It drives me nuts and I have no solution. The only thing that I have begun realizing for myself is that I am going to have to be more assertive and just start taking him away from her.
For example, we were at a bday party for another family member and FMIL walked over picked up DS and went to go feed him cake. I had planned to wait for the cake line to die down and then go get him a piece. So instead of me telling her no I sat there and fumed. I'm realizing for myself that I need to start being more assertive and telling her no.
But honey, I totally hear ya. We should be friends.
I'll private message you my email so maybe we can chat about our MIL's. LOL.
Just because she's nice doesn't mean she isn't bossing you around to get her way.
My father loves to play parent. My sister rolls over all the time. I don't. He tries to make me feel bad. It never ever works. I AM THE PARENT. Tough on him.
She doesn't make suggesitons because she thinks you're "rotten". She's manipulating you to get to play mommy wiht your daughter. And you're letting her.
When she wants to do something you don't want to agree to, remember, "No" is a complete sentence.
Repeat yourself as often as you need. Stop feeling bad for being in charge and a mother.
Well, my computer crashed yesterday so I couldn't get on here to see if there were any posts. Today, I was happily surprised by all of you offering helpful suggestions. A couple of issues...
My husband has 2 sisters and 1 brother. The 1 sister and the brother are VERY close to their mother. We live in NY and they live in Texas and she speaks w/each of them AT LEAST once per day (both are in their early 30's!) so she knows every little aspect of their lives.
I think that's why she's having trouble respecting my boundaries...she doesn't understand why they exist. There are virtually NONE w/her youngest 2 children (in Texas). I guess that's part of the problem - we just come from different worlds. Although I'll admit I've never experienced a family dynamic such as that - I've never even known any families so "close". So what she may view as my "stand-offish-ness", I view as normal. and her "normal" is too close for comfort for me.
I've had conversations with her about this and she admits to completely not understanding. Why wouldn't I want to share every detail? Why wouldn't I want to have a big circle of people who love me? Why must I be so private?
I've told her that we're just different...I am "this" and she is "that". I've given her examples of how her own mother wasn't as close to HER children as she'd like to be w/mine....how she may even have had a problem with it had she ever experienced such a thing (despite how she is w/her kids, she was NOT close to her mother)...she seems to understand, but falls right back into her old ways quickly.
I'm on the fence about my husband...at some points I'm angry w/him for not helping me out in this way. But, he is not so close to her either, and is already viewed as "distant" and "cold" by her (and siblings) because of it...and I'm sure he's hurt by that. At the same time, I am his family now - along w/his child and he should present a united front w/me in this situation. *sigh* I'd just like to find some balance here.
As I am typing this, I don't recall all the comments that I wanted to respond to. I'll read them again now and post again. And to dmndsr4eva - you're right, we should be friends and chat about this frustrating situation!
I want to thank all of you for letting me vent - I really needed it!!!! AND for offering advice - which is hugely appreciated!I must have come across as not speaking about to my MIL about things...let me say that when I say something to my MIL about "no candy" or "no, you can't take her 3 nights per week", it always goes my way...it's just that a week later, she's back to trying the same things again. We have now switched to sugar-free gum and occasional "nerds" candies - I tell her to give her 1/2 piece of gum and that works for a while...then last night she gave her a whole piece...so the battle continues. Honestly, it's like she has NO MEMORY of what I've said.
An example: My husband has disliked chicken for his entire life. On his b-day she'll want to have a b-day barbeque for him and often suggests chicken on the grill! He say to her that he's never liked chicken and she'll say "really? Oh yes, that's right! What was I thinking?" 1 year later, she'll suggest the same! She's LOST IT! She's admitted to me that she thinks she might have A.D.D. I wouldn't doubt that SOMETHING is wrong.
Someone posted "you will just have to be that much more direct- in a kind and reasonable way. ". The "kind and reasonable" part - that's what I am NOW struggling with. I am so furious sometimes, that THOSE are the times I don't say much - because if I do, it will come out in a VERY "harsh" (to say the least) tone. And I really don't want to do that...I just struggle to control my emotions about it sometimes. But, I don't want to yell at Grandma in front of my daughter....so I'll back off at certain times, then call her later or confront her about it the next day. She's very non-confrontational, so I figure my confrontational attitude will make her uncomfortable enough to avoid future confrontations...not so...
In all of this, I feel like I'm turning into the angry b---- and she's all happy and in la la land...forgetting what I say very quickly and loving everyone. It's infuriating! Then bouncing back to her "old ways" w/in a week or so . . .maybe she really has lost her mind...
I just need to find my "calm" so that I can deal w/this head-on - REGULARLY and most importantly HAPPILY and KINDLY. I tried to view her as a cartoon character...to keep myself from getting frustrated and angry..worked for a little while...ha ha. And let me say, I don't hide my emotions well. I want to play her...like I feel like she's playing me. Be firm, offer no detailed explanations, and walk away HAPPY but not frustrated out of my mind.
I'm getting angry all over again just typing about this! ARGH!!! help!
I also wanted to add that she is doing what works for her. Sure she might have ADD, but I kinda doubt it. Again, I think she is just agreeing with you in the short term in order to get you off of her butt, however she doesn't agree with you, doesn't understand where you are coming from, doesn't respect your boundaries; so she goes back to doing whatever she wants. After all there are no consequences for it. She has learned all she has to do is smile and nod to appease you, but about a week later she can do whatever she feels like doing.
I also wanted to say that closeness is subjective. I consider myself to be close with my parents and my siblings, but I certainly don't talk to them everyday and see them every weekend. We see them when we can because we have our own stuff going on. My family will invite us out, but if we can't make it, they understand. I have never been told that I am distant or standoffish. So please don't fall for that kind of talk. It just isn't true. It sounds like his family is a little too close and all up in each other's business. I really don't think that is a healthy attitude.
I can relate to being a more private person marrying into a more open family. My husband's family shares a lot both within the nuclear family and with extended family members. In addition, my MIL shares with everyone - we've been married over two years and my MIL still takes our wedding pictures to events (outside the family) to "show off her kids". And I don't mean a little brag book, she actually takes 8 x 12 photos. While my family is very close, we have a different level of sharing.
DH has never shared to that level, but when we got married things adjusted. MIL felt (my words) cut off and to a certain level, still does. But she's not going to get us to share the amount she wants us to. My advice, talk to your DH and come up with what works for both of you guys as a family. Your MIL likely will not change in large amounts, but that does not mean you have to completely change yourself. In my opinion it should be a compromise on some things and other issues (if possible) should be flat avoided.
My advice - Consistent messages are important and there is a point at which an additional explanation is not needed. If she wants to know why you're so private - that's just the way I am. She does not need any more explanation. If she gets really huffy, put it back on her and ask why she needs to share so much. If MIL keeps pushing DH for an explanation after he has answer a question to the extent he is comfortable (she used to always ask how much his business was making) he'll point blank say the conversation is over and redirect the conversation to another topic. Sometimes he has to do that more than once, but it's getting better.
The big hurdle I see (from reading your posts) is getting on the same page with your DH. This is your family and you are protecting your family - Mom is Mom, Grandmom is Grandmom. Each plays an important, but different role in the family. Your husband needs to understand that you need a change and the change seems very, very reasonable. It will be difficult to make the adjustments and you'll likely going to catch some blow back from your MIL, but it's going to have to happen or there will be added stress to the family.
sorry wrong post.
STW77 and Greenmonkey...thank you for your posts. I know I have to STOP trying to get my MIL to UNDERSTAND where I am coming from...she'll never understand. That's so true! I think that's where my frustration comes in and why my husband tells me to stop driving myself nuts w/this!
So, I'll offer less explanation to her, stop frustrating myself w/trying to get her to see my side, and get my husband to join with me on this! I think I'll have MUCH less frustration.
I have to say, it is soooooooo nice to post here and get some responses from people who GET IT!! The fact that I felt like so misunderstood in this was doubling my frustration, really....I was just constantly misunderstood and I'm just not going to care about it anymore.
This: " Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} - Consistent messages are important and there is a point at which an additional explanation is not needed. If she wants to know why you're so private - that's just the way I am. She does not need any more explanation. If she gets really huffy, put it back on her and ask why she needs to share so much." is great advice that I will definitely use IMMEDIATELY.
Also..."closeness is subjective"....also VERY true. Those 2 bits of advice really hit home for me and I already feel more equipped to deal w/this without getting so annoyed.
I'm sure I'll have moments where I'll need to post here again on this issue...but for now I've got some useful advice and I'm so grateful for that! I can't tell you what a weight it takes off of me!!!!
Have a great day everyone!!!
I can really relate to this! My MIL carries a seperate purse just for photos albums to show off to friends and family. When I first met my DH, I thought it was sweet. Now, not so much. It's gotten to the point where I feel violated, almost. I mean, the woman has photos that I swear she took without us knowing or that I've never seen before. And did I mention that she emails requests to us about color coding our outfits anytime she thinks we might be somewhere that's a good photo op? We are not five years old. I can dress myself. Meet my smother-in-law.
Most recently, we've battled our biggest marital test yet. DH and I relocated about an hour from where we'd been living/working for about three years, to the Historical Distric of my hometown. We spent four months restoring our dream home, a beautiful 1940's Tudor style cottage. And we had finally distanced ourselves from family! Bliss, I tell you!
We lost our beautiful first home in the devastating tornados that swept through Alabama on 4/27. The day after the storms, my MIL comforted me with these words: I know this is just so terrible for you, but I am so happy to have my "kids" back. I was so hurt. There shouldn't even be an ounce of "happy" in that woman after everything that's happened. Now, instead of engagement shots and family photos, she's been showing everyone she knows pictures of our destroyed home and lot. Even more disturbing.. We've decided to rebuild closer to the city and she's taken pictures of the MODEL HOME in the community we're building to show off. How about a little tact?! I am just beside myself. At this point, I almost feel like there are too many emotions and other things going on with us right now to even address her actions.
Very frustrating.
I have zero children so may I "don't understand"...but here is my .02 anyway.
Your MIL isn't going to change.
Your DH is picking his battles as he should be. He sees his mom being nice to his wife and LO and you are driving him crazy. I get that he should back you up but there are other perspectives here to take in to account.
Your MIL isn't all that bad. So she isn't 100% what you would like for her to be. No one will ever meet that expecation. All you can do is change your location, your expectations, or your reactions.
You need to put some physical distance between you and your MIL. Move if you have to. Stop working together. I mean I love my best friend but we wouldn't be best friends for long if we were together all the flippin' time!
Well said! Stop feeling the need to explain yourself to MIL; it's your daughter, not hers, and you don't need to justify anything. Set clear boundaries and stick with them (DH has to be with you on this); if she can't respect your parenting decisions then she cannot participate. Trust me, she will learn very quickly.