Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FIL Drama...Where to go from here?
(I'm giving you the cliff notes version of this, even though its still a bit long), let me know if you want more info on anything)
So my husband's family has a rough past. FIL had a strong gambling addiction and was an alcoholic and smoked pot. My husband and his siblings grew up with their father being emotionally and verbally abusive. He was like that to my MIL as well, but my MIL didn't treat my husband right either (example: when he was 5 she threw a fork at his face because he kept arguing with her, and when he was 15 he was arguing with her in the car when she turned and punched him in the face).
The last few years, since I've come into my husband's life, have been a lot more peaceful overall in his family. My husband was a bit in denial over how dysfunctional his family really was, but holidays were still nice, his parents weren't mean to him, etc. (although they lied to him often and were completely unreliable).
However, the past year things have been getting bad again. We live out of state so it hasn't been as much of an issue, but when we have been around his dad has started drinking more again, and has been increasingly verbally abuse to MIL.
My husband and FIL got in a bad blowup back in December, and sort of reconciled I guess (things went back to 'normal').
In June my husband went out to get shoulder surgery (long story why he has to have it there). His parents offered to host him, so he took them up on it. Big mistake. His dad and mom were fighting everyday, picking fights with him, etc. He and FIL got in another bad fight. FIL said some pretty terrible things, and my husband didn't feel safe so he called my parents, who drove down from their town and picked him up. He stayed at my parents house the rest of the time.
He wrote a very long email to his parents about his feelings towards them. MIL acted clueless, said he's the one with the problem, not them. She finally sent an email two days ago sort of apologizing. His dad sent him a nasty text message, and then a mean email. Last week week he sent a 'nice' email, and yesterday he sent a text saying 'please forgive my sinfulness, i luv u son' .
Its obvious they'll never change, and my husband feels torn. My husband is currently in individual counseling but his counselor is on maternity leave until September. My husband admitted that he's feeling a lot of pressure to 'forgive and forget'. Many people he's talked to say he should reach out to his dad.
He admits that he doesn't like talking to his parents on the phone and doesn't enjoy visiting them, but he's not sure about cutting them off just yet anyway (I think its the whole guilt thing). I've been as supportive as I can be and am trying not to tell him what he should do.
Any thoughts or opinions? He hasn't spoken to his parents since he sent that email out about his feelings. To be honest, his family has so many other issues (don't get me started on his grandparents or siblings) and I think he'd be better off without them. Its a bit hard because in their own messed up way they've made it obvious they love him very much, so there's that guilt again.
Anyone have some good book recommendations on the issue?
Re: FIL Drama...Where to go from here?
His counselor didn't make arrangements for someone else to see him while she was on maternity leave? He definitely shouldn't wait until September to sort this out and decide what to do.
I disagree that he should forgive and forget. His dad's apology was really half-assed, and unless he's actually demonstrated with his actions that he's sorry, then nothing has changed and your husband is just going to keep getting hurt. I can't imagine why anyone who considers him- or herself to be your husband's friend would encourage him to keep putting himself in a position to be abused.
I agree with you that cutting them out would be appropriate here, but I know that's easier said than done. I would encourage him to find another counselor to talk to, and maybe look into Al-Anon or a group for abuse survivors.
He brought up Al-Anon the other day actually. He said he was considering going, I'll mention it to him again.
I was surprised too that his counselor didn't have anyone else for him to see. I'll see if he can call and get another recommendation (he's getting his sessions covered through his school).
He suggested a few months ago counseling to his parents (as a family) but they got pretty mad at him. MIL told him that everyone else was fine and he was the one that needed counseling.
Their whole family is extremely unsettling. All his siblings have had multiple DUI's, smoke pot, have alcohol issues, and have been struggling through college. His grandparents are in a co-dependent abusive relationship with my husband's uncle (who lives with the grandparents and uses them).
FIL is a martyr, the victim in every situation. He gossips about family friends and berates people when they have the gall to disagree with him.
I've been doing supportive listening for my husband, helping him sort through it all. Its hard when they come at him being nice again (btw they adore me and have always been kind to me, that's never been an issue), because he gets inclined to feel sorry for them.
We've been really discussing boundaries and doing what H feels comfortable with. Like, if we do see them, we'll do it in a restaurant and not at their home, that kind of thing. I think it may be awhile though before its even up to that point.
Does your husband struggle with any of these issues? Or has he managed to rise above his upbringing? It's very common in dysfunctional families for one person to escape, and for the rest of the family to resent that person.
My dad found this book very helpful in seeing his family for who they really are:
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309207849&sr=1-1
I don't know if anyone in your husband's family is a narcissist, so I'm not sure how much it applies here, but it might be useful.