August 2010 Weddings
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need Support Ladies (marriage related)
Hi Ladies,
My marriage is falling apart. I am losing it. I don't know what to do. I am so depressed and I hate living like this. I pray for the time my husband is at work so I don't have to see or deal with him. It doesn't just feel like a phase or normal in any way. I do not know what to do. I am so unhappy during a time I should be so happy. We have a vacation planned in 2 weeks to go see my family and I am dreading it because I will have to pretend to be happy. Any support would be appreciated greatly. Thoughts, Prayers, anything will work.
Lindsay
Re: Need Support Ladies (marriage related)
I'll ditto everything ric said. I've never been pregnant, but I know it can be stressful physically and emotionally on a couple.
The best advice I can give is to communicate no-holds-barred with your DH about the way you're feeling. It wouldn't be fair to leave him in the dark about what's going on.
Do the creep.
Sorry to hear that you're going through this! Hopefully you can work it out. I ditto what pp have said about trying to pin point what is making you feel this way. I've never been pregnant, but I know that you two were both very stressed out about trying to get pregnant and know that it wasn't easy for you. Do you think that problems started when you got pregnant or before?
I suggest sitting down with DH and just being 100% honest. Although how you are feeling might hurt him, it is best to be honest and say how you feel. The only way to change problems is to be open to discussing and figuring out how to change them. Good luck! I hope everything picks up for you soon!
I agree with all the other PP. I'm so sorry that your having a hard time. I'm sure having a baby on the way is extremely stressful. Have you talked to you H about the things that are bothering you? I know those talks are never fun but it would be awful to begin resenting him for those things.Remember to talk some time out for yourself and for you and DH to help remind you of the reason you fell in love.
I don't know what you two like doing together but sometimes it helps to reconnect if you can spend a few hours enjoying being with eachother. Like me and DH will get away for the day and go hiking or fishing. We'll pack a lunch and spend the day away from normal life. Sometimes something as a simple kiss on the forehead or a meaningful hug will ground you.
Thinking of you and DH!
This had ZERO to do with me being pregnant. I love how everyone in life assumes it is me and my hormones causing this. This is the most hurtful thing a person can do.
He has become emotionally abusive yet, everyone (not just you guys) assumes it is my hormones.
He is controlling, we only have one car and he uses it 100% of the time leaving me secluded alone in our house all day everyday. He calls me names all day everyday. He never asks about me and my life, yet constantly talks about himself. These are not things because I am pregnant, he is just a flat out jerk. He has turned into his father and because his mother puts up with it he expects I will.
I hate him and honestly don't feel like I am in love anymore.
Oh no, I am so sorry to hear that you are unhappy! With your response to the rest of the comments, I think you definitely need to see someone. I hate saying the work "therapy" because the stereotype is live and well, but certain things can really be talked over, rooted out and live can get better again.
I think we all thought it was because of the pregnancy because you never mentioned this before. We are definitely all supporting you and sending you good thoughts. You can work it out. Think about this time last year, when you were planning your wedding - was he emotionally abusive then? Was he a jerk? In any of the years in your past, has he been that person? If you have never seen him be that person, this means something currently is changing him. Sometimes it's the men who cannot handle pregnancy and while you are just the same person, they become strange because of all the overbearing thoughts they have about being able to be a good father, or a good partner. Some of them say they are ready for the kids, but when it happens are scared and get agitated easily if you ask them what is going on...
You should definitely see someone- these things can be worked out! You will have a baby together. This is the time to be happy. Sending you all the positive thoughts!!!!
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I'm so sorry if you were offended because of the pregnancy suggestion! A lot of times stress in relationships begins when a big change occurs such as marriage, pregnancy, moving, job situation... I think because we know you're expecting and it's new we all jumped to that. Plus we didn't have these new details.
Your H should not be treating you this way at all!! I definitely would not be able to deal with it if my H did the same. Have you talked to him about his behavior? Perhaps marriage counseling would be helpful if you would like to try to make this work. Are you at a point where you would like to continue to work this out with him or are you done?
If he is truly being emotionally abusive, I don't know if he will change. If he's acting the way his father acts, it might be a deep issue that he has because of all of those years of experience his father's behavior. Have you ever discussed his father's treatment of his mother? If so, did he see it as wrong?
If you do want to try to work this out I would definitely suggest talking to him about the problem and then seeking marriage counseling. A lot of people say it has repaired their marriages. If you are done and don't think he will change, then you (and your child) don't deserve to be mistreated for the rest of your life and you may have to think about leaving.
Again I am so sorry if you were offended, especially when you are hurting already. I wish you luck and if you ever want to talk I am here for you!!
Ahhhhhh. In your opening post you talked about emotions and depression but didn't go into any detail, so I think it's natural for people to jump to the hormone conclusion, even though it is a bad assumption. But now that you explained a bit further we can see that it's, wow, definitely a whole different thing.
It's harder to say "you should just tell him how you're feeling" too, even though I'm sure that's the advice you'd get from a lot of people. It's scary. I am so, so sorry it's happening.
You had mentioned recently that you both had basically cut his parents out of your life, so I assume he, or some part of him, knows that his father is horrible?People say they never want to become their parents and then don't notice when they do. I wish I had answers or something for you. Is there anyone close to you (emotionally close) you can turn to, like your family or a good friend?
All I can do is try to put myself in a similar situation. if it were me, I would confide in my best friend and then go stay with her because I know I could. But obviously that's a scenario I just made up for myself.
Ugh. I'm just rambling because I don't know what to say. You have my long-distance emotional support. I hope we here on the board can provide that, at the very least.
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Thanks ladies. I have told him exactly how I feel and I am told that I am immature and ridiculous. He refuses to see his part in anything.
I set up an appointment with a therapist, he refuses to go but I am going to. At the very least maybe they will help me to sort out my feelings.
I wish I had somewhere to go to get away, but my family and close friends are all in CA and I am in AZ. I don't want to tell my dad because if we decide to work things out I am worried that it will not be a good thing that he knows what is going on.
Thanks for letting me get it all out here. I feel better now that I have a plan of action.
Well it sounds like you are taking matters into your own hands and are making a step in the right direction! He's being a douche placing all the blame with you and refusing to see the therapist, but at least you'll be able to talk openly with an impartial person who is trained to handles situations like this. Hopefully it helps you see more clearly where you want to go.
I agree that I probably would tell my parents yet because I wouldn't want them to judge him if this is just a phase. Good luck and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!! Please keep us updated!!
I'm so sorry if you were offended with most of us jumping to conclusions and assuming it was hormones and all of that; I'm sure that none of us intended to be hurtful with those assumptions. Now that you've provided more specific details, it seems that this situation is even worse than your OP made it seem.
I would second the suggestion of talking to a professional. If you are willing to try and save your marriage, I know several couples that have gone to marriage counseling and it's saved their relationship. Sometimes have an outsider listen to your problems helps. There is no reason that you or your future child should have to live with someone who is emotionally abusive; you are worth so much more than that.
Have you tried to tell him that the way he is behaving hurts you? What is his response, if you've said this to him before?
Know that we have your back and are here for you to support you and talk when you need us. Hang in there!
I'm glad you found someone to talk to. ?Therapy will be helpful even if you start out by yourself. ?Hopefully eventually he will come around and be willing to go with you. ?
It's hard for us to give more advice, because you've never talked about him being a problem before. ?Did this just start? ?Maybe it's frustration that you guys aren't speaking to his parents, and he doesn't realize it and is taking it out on you? ?Maybe it's the pregnancy that's freaking him out? ?Or maybe he's always been this way and you just overlooked it before? ?Or maybe this has been going on your whole relationship and we just didn't know about it. ?Hopefully in talking to a therapist you can give her details and she can help you come to some healthy conclusions for yourself and your baby. ?We are always here in any way we can be. ??
The problem: you are crazy.
Who are you to come here and make such rude comments? Mrs number 1 post? get the heck out of here!
Storm - I really believe therapy can help and you can work it out. I will pray for it that you do.
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Thanks everyone! I really want to try and work things out. I think it MIGHT have something to do with the break with his parents. (Thanks for pointing that out).
We talked at length a bit ago again and I laid down ground rules about name calling and hurtful statements. It helped!!!! I ended up hearing what he is thinking. He said he is so hurt by his parents but conflicted because he still loves them and he doesn't know how to have both of us in his life.
I think he feels like I will stand by him where as he knows they won't. So my guess is he thinks he can treat me poorly in order to treat them better and keep them in his life and try and get them to care. I explained I won't if he continues on this path. I agreed to reconsider my stance on his family.
Thanks again for giving me a space to express myself and help sort out thoughts and feelings. You ladies are the BEST and gave me so much helpful info. I see the therapist for an intake appt tomorrow.
Lindsay
Sorry, I've come in a bit late on this one!!
Well done on talking to him about the problem, I'm glad it was a positive experience.
Good luck with the therapist.
Please let us know how things progress.