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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Think your MIL is bad?
Maybe I am just old-school when it comes to manners but I think the MIL is right about 90% of those things. You don't do them or you shouldn't.
Was it rude for the MIL to tell her this way? Yes. Did she probably need to be told? Yes.
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes. - How many times did we tell someone on TK this? Sounds like she needed a reality check and the MIL probably just got fed up with her behavior and gave it to her.
Don't get me wrong, I think the MIL is rude and out of line but the girl probably was too.
I guess to me it depends on when this happened. Was it the first time they were meeting and the DIL or was it the 5th or 10th time. After the first few times of meeting someone I do not honor most of these things as I feel comfortable. Also regarding the price of the wedding if the IL's are paying then I agree however we do not know if the couple is paying for most of it.
Maybe my point of view is jaded because I feel like many things I was critiqued on by my MIL were either things I was not aware of or things that were taken WAY out of context.
I also agree that it depends. Like you said if she has been to their house several times she might have just gotten comfortable and in her family maybe after a few visits the guest is no longer considered a "guest" by normal standards. We have a rule at our house that if you have been there enough times to know where the fridge and glasses are you no longer get asked if you want a drink. Her parents may have a rule close to it where they let people feel welcome in their house.
That being said I think the step-mom was out of line. She should not have said anything about her manners. I understand people have expectations in their home of their guest but at the same time people should want their guest to feel welcome in their home. The getting up when we get up thing is what got me the most. Just because you get up at the crack of dawn doesn't mean everyone has too. I don't think she should have told her when she has to get up unless they had an appointment or somewhere they had to be by a certain time.
Maybe her FI should have said something to her if he knew his step-mom had super high standards. Maybe they should have scaled back the wedding to something not as lavish and expensive. I don't think an email should have been sent!
I do tend to agree with you Leslie on this.
However, was her advice requested/wanted/warranted? Probably not. It seems like they have a no-so-great relationship as it, so by her sending that email, I just didn't think it was her place.
For the most part, I could have written it off to (while, yes, it was tacky of her to send at all)... maybe she was trying to be helpful. Until this line:
One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.
Bio
I agree Brianna. Manners are one thing, but to send this email (3 times to make sure that she got it) and then say that she pities the step son for who he's about to marry was pretty harsh.
Bio Good Times
I'm big on manners, but I don't think anything in this email was justified.
Apparently in the full email, the step-mom also told her that being diabetic was no excuse for her rudeness. I know nothing about being diabetic, except that it's a serious medical condition, and if I had a diabetic guest I would bend over backward to make sure they got the food they needed.
I think what really gets to me -- and makes me not believe the step-mom has a leg to stand on -- is the beginning and ending of the excerpt. The bit about "unfortunately Freddie has fallen for you ... there's no talking him out of this ...", the gold-digger comment, and the "I pity Freddie." bit. This is not about the daughter's manners. The woman just hates her, and is listing reasons why.
About the wedding stuff -- I agree that every couple should have the wedding within their means. But the examples she gives about the girl going outside of her means are insulting. Not getting married in a venue (in this case a castle) unless you OWN it? And the comments about the girl's parents not being able to contribute much, and that they should have been saving up all their lives to pay for their daughter's weddings? ... I hate that way of thinking, so much. Parents can do so many important things for their children. Paying for a party when they are (hopefully) a capable, financially stable adult? And just because they happen to be a female child? No, not required.
Bio
This really rubbed me wrong too. My dad started a "wedding fund" for both my sister and I when we were 10. He had put a good amount in each for us and we knew about them. My dad lost his job when the housing market went down. He had a degree and was actively looking for a job but all the jobs out there required him to be able to use a computer. My dad hated computers. He couldn't even figure out how to turn the one at home on. He was out of work for 17 months. He did odd and end jobs here and there but he was either over qualified or under qualified for a full time job. Him and my step mom had to dip into our "wedding fund' to make ends meet since my step mom was the only one working and unemployment ran out. My dad felt so bad when I got engaged. I kept telling him I understood and didn't want them to contribute unless they could. My dad had a job at that point but they were still trying to build their savings back up. Sometimes people do save all their lives and then life happens and they have to use that savings. It's not fair to judge them on their savings alone!
I agree. In the comments it did say that both her parents had just lost their jobs. So it was an extra slap in the face to her (and her parents) to say something about their finances.
I know most everyone is gone for the day but I have been sitting here thinking about this on and off. I dont know if it was cause I just wasnt raised this way or because I truly am rude. I honestly dont honor the vast majority of this stuff if I am staying at your house I should know you well enough where I dont feel like a guest.
Maybe this is why MIL and SIL think I am rude. When we lived with them I didnt want to eat meat and they thought that was rude. I started eating cake one night before saying grace (didnt know grace was needed on cake) this was rude. I stay in bed until Matt stays in bed, hes not rude but I am. I insulted them by the things I said MANY times without ever realizing I was saying anything wrong.
I say please and thank you and all that but I just wasnt raised knowing all this etiquette existing. Call me naive.
My view is completely jaded because we've had the eating issues, the tacky wedding comments and how it's going to suck (except the opposite of a castle), how I'm rude because of XYZ when DH does the same thing AND she does it much worse but it's okay for her and DH, and MIL trying to talk DH out of marrying me every chance she got so I have no sympathy for the Step MIL to be when I got to the end. And my view of this is from those that I hang around (females) yet I've never heard a male complain about this so it's pretty one sided but it annoys me to no end that it's always the female joining the males family and she must change to them. Um, they are creating their own family and she's not just tossing her family out to sea. I'm so tired of the "You're one of us now" stuff.
Because it was okay for Matt but not you, I don't think it is you being rude. More than likely they want to find fault with you and they were just looking for something to pin on you, no matter how stupid they look. I bet they don't say grace before eating cake themselves. You are failing their tests when you have no way of passing them from the get-go. The answer is E when you are only allowed to choose from A, B or C. Thankfully MIL doesn't hold water for the things she thinks that I do are rude with DH.
As for the food, especially when a diabetic is involved, they can't just do what they want when they want or eat whatever they so choose. My stepmother is diabetic and if she doesn't eat 100% correctly sometimes, she gets to the point of fainting. You can bet your ass if I'm about to faint, I'm not waiting any longer on you and I also will not put my life at risk because of your expectations. You don't just suck it up when it comes to diabetes...it can rule your life. 3 years ago MIL was coming up and she left her house around 10am and it takes 5 hours to get here. DH called her at least 30 times when she wasn't here by 4 pm in addition to many more texts- she never picked up her phone; he even called his brother and grandmother to see if they had heard from her. We wait and wait to eat and finally by 8 pm DH is shaking from waiting so long to eat so HE goes ahead and eats. Yet, I was the one that was rude.