Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
soo...what do you do when....
you tell your husband you've been thinking and you've figured "it" out....
either 1- he's miserable in his current life with his family
or 2- has become so lazy that he is comfortable in doing NOTHING at all around the house or for the kids because he knows his wife will eventually do it....
then tell him- either way it's a lose lose situation for your wife which in turn means you don't really give a dang about her at all anymore.....
AND
HE
SAYS
NOTHING.
nothing....
i'm a little crushed and don't know what to do.
i mean it goes from little things like he use to be anal about rotating the tires on schedule, to not cleaning a THING in the house unless company's coming (i do all the little cleaning stuff). today, we're suppose to go see his parents for the weekend, he comes home and does nada. I'm packing, i'm doing laundry, i'm giving the kids a bath- he's sitting on the couch watching tv. i'm at a loss.
i really feel like he doesn't care at all anymore.
Re: soo...what do you do when....
I do think a different approach would get more accomplished. To him, you basically came out pointing the finger and making accusations. I know you wouldn't want others telling you what you think... so put yourself in his shoes. Give him a chance to speak his own mind. It could be nothing at all. He could be dealing with his own issues (possibly depression). Maybe he said nothing at all because he's in shock and never realized that is how you feel or when you came at him telling him what he is not doing for you -- he became introverted (normal for guys) because he's feeling attacked.
What I would do at this point is sit him down, apologize for "coming unglued" and let him know that you love him and support him. Tell him you enjoy being with him but you feel as if there is something bothering him because he's not being himself lately. Let him know that you need him and want to know what is on his mind. ASK him if he will open up to you and tell you if there is something bothering him (when he is ready). Tell him that you are lonely and feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Don't go in pointing fingers... talk to him like an equal (a friend). He's your husband. I know sometimes it's hard to put the anger and hurt aside, but if you want him to give you the respect of an honest answer and solution... you have to give him some respect and not treat him like a child. Go back in there and talk to him with some compassion and understanding. Sounds like there have been some changes inside of him (outside of your relationship) that would lead me to believe he's stressed or "unhappy" but it could be triggered by something else and as most guys do, he's holding it in. Don't go back with confrontation....just talk. Trust me... you'll get a lot farther! Good luck. I really hope the two of you can work out your differences and solve the problem.
BFP #3 -mm/c @ 7wks, discovered at 9wks, D&C 9/28
Current Status: TTA
~~PGAL/PAL Always Welcome!~~
I agree. It really does sound like depression. Maybe he doesn't know where to start. I can tell you from personal experience that living in deep depression is a very dark and lonely place to be. I'm sure it's pretty miserable for you too, but what he really needs is compassion and understanding. Thank God, I climbed my way out of my depression, but it wasn't without a lot of support from my husband.
I'm thinking back to a couple of years ago and remembering that you guys had problems after your first child was born - is this correct or am I imagining it? Were your problems in-law related? I hope I'm not completely wrong and if so, I apologize.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It can be hard to communicate feelings of resentment and it sounds like you feel very resentful about his lack of help with the kiddos. I know that after our second DD was born, it was the hardest and most challenging time in our marriage. Not saying that's what's going on with you guys, but I do think young children put a lot of pressure on a marriage. Have you tried asking him to help you? I always have to give DH a specific set of tasks or he won't always take action.
I agree with the PPs who said he might be depressed.
Big hugs, gin. I am sorry that you and your husband are having a hard time right now. Take a deep breath and know that you will find a way through this.
I agree with the prior posters - it sounds like he is depressed. It's hard being in that dark place, and it's equally difficult being the caregiver for someone who is depressed. Any chance you can get him in to see someone? The costs for depression treatment (including psychology/psychiatry) are usually covered by insurance.
Again, big hugs to you. Lots of good thoughts heading your way.
Click it if you can't say it!