Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Gpa is dying, should I go see him?
My great grandfather is 95 and is dying of kidney and liver failure. He lives about 3 hours away and is being moved to Hospice as I write this. Now without trying to sound mean, my question is, should I go to see him? The reason I ask is because I went to see him last week in the hospital and to say my goodbyes (last week he was close to dying but pulled through). Now he is really dying and there is no turning back, but (again, not trying to sound mean) I've already told him how I feel and said goodbye, and this time he'll be so drugged up on morphine I'm not even sure he will know I'm there. I understand that death is also a time to be with family. So what's everyone's brutal advice? Speak freely and thank you for all responses.
Re: Gpa is dying, should I go see him?
Well, what would you hope people would do if you took a little longer dying than expected?
My grandfather died recently. I visited him while he was in the hospital, but about three weeks later he was moved to hospice. I live about 4 hours away, and never went back.
In part, I am happy that during the last visit I had with him he knew who I was, we had a great conversation, and we had a chance to "say goodbye." At the same time, I regret not making the trip to offer whatever type of support/love I could have to my dad, who was there every day.
Good luck - I know it's not as easy of a decision as it seems.
I am sorry to hear about your Grandpa. I worked in Hospice for years- there is no right answer to your question. You need to do what is comfortable for you. As for your family fighting- know that this is a common occurance each person takes the passing of a family mmber differently. And while you might believe that your Grandpa is drugged and not aware- that might not be the case. I have seen patients seem no longer alert or oriented and be aggitated- but when a family member walks into the room they calm.
Again, I am sorry.
I lost my grandmother a few years ago. She went into the hospital in December and I made sure to go visit her in January (I live 4 hours from the hospital and, at that point, we had no reason to believe that she might not eventually recover). Shortly after that, though, things took a turn for the worse although she was able to hang on until May. I didn't go back to see her, though. I knew that the person I'd be going to see wasn't really my grandmother anymore. I'd said my goodbyes, at a time when she was lucid and knew I was with her. To me it was enough and that's how I wanted to remember her. Going back wasn't going to do either her or myself any good.
If he's on large doses of morphine and not aware, going back at this point is simply for you. If you need that, go. If you don't and you feel you've said your goodbyes and will have no regrets, I don't see a reason for it.
in 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, what choice would you regret more?
(there are time I wish I hadn't visited.
There are more times when I wish I had.
When people are to 'out of it' to know their visitors, there are reasons to visit--my own peace, a 'paying homage' to what they were/what they meant to me, a signal to the staff that someone cares so make sure someone is properly caring for grandma, the wonderful moments of clarity.
That being said, the other side is loosing a chance to remember them in a 'better' way, having more guilt because of what should have been, a desire to not obsess over the death and let it take over lifeetc.
I tend to think visiting outweighs not visiting but I cna't say that's always the case)
I honestly don't remember the last conversation I had with my grandfather- but I'm 90% sure I was showing him photos of my house and talking about all the work I was doing on it.
I like it better that way. My MIL passed in my house (terminal breast cancer) and I can't imagine having to see my loved ones like that (I was not a big fan of MIL).
Good luck with whatever decision you make. Know that your Gpa loves you!
I've lost 3 grandparents. My MIL has pancreatic cancer and my dad is dealing with some weird progressive, neurological disease (we're hoping he will respond positively to the treatment, but there are no guarantees). I feel differently than you about 'remembering me as I was'. I was with my grandmothers every step of their death, even in hospice.
Im a social worker with transplant pts, both pre and post transplant, so I've also dealt with a lot of death at work. As hard as it is, I would want to be with the people I love through their death, as I would want them to do for me. It's not something to fear, it's a natural part of life.
That being said, I understand this is you great grandpa and I have no idea how close you've been with him, so that factors in as well. For example with my great aunts/uncles, I would say my goodbyes, but I did not feel I needed to be there for every step, kwim? Good luck and ultimately do what YOU need to.
Wow, that was long...
I've lost 3 grandparents. My MIL has pancreatic cancer and my dad is dealing with some weird progressive, neurological disease (we're hoping he will respond positively to the treatment, but there are no guarantees). I feel differently than you about 'remembering me as I was'. I was with my grandmothers every step of their death, even in hospice.
Im a social worker with transplant pts, both pre and post transplant, so I've also dealt with a lot of death at work. As hard as it is, I would want to be with the people I love through their death, as I would want them to do for me. It's not something to fear, it's a natural part of life.
That being said, I understand this is you great grandpa and I have no idea how close you've been with him, so that factors in as well. For example with my great aunts/uncles, I would say my goodbyes, but I did not feel I needed to be there for every step, kwim? Good luck and ultimately do what YOU need to.
Wow, that was long...