Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can't Seem to Grieve
One of my mentors died recently, two weeks before that it was my H's grandfather, before that his childhood dog, before that my childhood dog (all within this calendar year), but since a year ago when I lost my Dad suddenly I haven't been able to cry about any of these other deaths. I felt like I couldn't really be there for my H or my friends or family because I just didn't feel anything over these deaths. I don't know what to do. If anymore people or pets die, I don't think I'm going to be able to break through the ice that has seemed to come over me. It worries me that maybe I'm not over my Dad's death yet. Talking about him always makes me get close to or ends in tears for me. I can't seem to even think about him without getting choked up, and I'm afraid my inability to grieve for other deaths has hurt my relationship with my H since I didn't very sympathetic to his losses. Do I seem cold about death?
Re: Can't Seem to Grieve
I think people grieve in different ways but if your grief and processing is causing relationship issues for you and it's worrying you, it's time to seek help.
If you haev an EAP through work, call tehm. If not, see if you can find a counselor and/or a support group in your area.
Not at all!! And i completely understand! My dad died 5yrs ago this month and I still cry at certain thoughts of him. Since his death, there have been six deaths in my family. (three grandparents, Aunt & two cousins) Each time, I have not cried. Yes, I was upset, but never shed a tear. I have never understood why until I spoke to someone about it. I was a daddy's girl, big time, & when he died I literally fell apart. Did not eat or sleep for four days, but yet, was never able to fully grieve about him. My sisters (who are many years older) threatened me about crying in front of my mom, or anywhere else. I still cant talk about him in front of them.
I have learned to grieve on my own time, and always when I am alone. Talk to your DH about this, I am sure he will understand. IMO, you are not cold about it, you are hardened by it. Does not mean you do not care.
I understand this. I lost my dad less than 2 years ago, and since then, I just can't grieve for other people. I feel bad for people when they lose someone close to them, but I can't grieve for the loss of my relationship with the person. I worry because I've noticed that I'm less compassionate now than I used to be. I find myself thinking, "I'm sad that he lost his granddad, but it's not as bad as losing a parent." Which is awful! Who compares losses? Also, when someone dies, I do cry, but it's really tears for my own dad. Hearing about someone else's loss reminds me of that and so even though I look like I'm sad for the other person I'm not. I feel like a horrible person!
I've talked to a therapist about it, and she says that it's a normal reaction. For me, losing my dad was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. Every loss that has occurred since then, just hasn't seemed as bad to me. My therapist says it's actually a pretty good coping mechanism. It's as if my head is telling my heart, "You've been through worse than this, and you're still fine. This will be okay too." It doesn't mean you don't still feel bad for the other person's loss. It's just that losing someone so close to you is something that you never "get over." You just get used to living with the pain of it. That becomes a new normal, so when other painful situations are introduced, it doesn't seem as bad.
So, no, you don't seem cold about death to me. But maybe I seem cold to others. My personal theory is that as long as I am not indifferent to another's pain, as long as I show that I do genuinely hate that they are going through a loss, whether or not I feel pain for their loss is no one's business but mine. Obviously, if I said to someone, "Sorry about your granddad, but at least you didn't lose your dad like I did" that would be b*tchy and cold.
Ovulation Tracker
I'm so sorry for your losses. I do not think you seem cold AT ALL about death!
I think that it really has not been that long since your Dad died, and maybe because his death was sudden it was more shocking, so you've had less time to grieve due to being in shock for a while, versus if he had been ill for quite a while.
I lost the person I was closest to 11 years ago and I would say it was about 2 years before I began to get used to the idea that she was gone. I still cry at times about her loss and I still think of her every day, but now I am also able to laugh at some memories and they are just as likely to bring a smile to my face as tears to my eyes.
I think with major losses, you never get over them, but eventually you get used to the idea that the person is gone. I just think that you need more time, and your Dad's death will get to be easier to think of. It's only been a year, give it more time.
I used antidepressants for a short period of time when my father was in his last illness; and found that I could not 'feel' anything at all when he died. If you are taking some form of medication, perhaps that might explain your inability to feel/cry.
In any event, I would strongly recommend grief counselling; being stuck in grief limbo is no good.
When my mom called to tell me my grandmother had passed (48 hours before I was scheduled to be on a cruise ship) all I could do was laugh. I seriously thought I had lost my damn mind.
6 months later I sunk into a major depression, and it all hit me at once like a wave.