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BFF & her Words...
I may come off sounding like a drama queen, or self centered, but I have to vent... I left my ex over year ago due to abuse. I have been on few dates, but now have BF (of two months) He has his bachelors degree, has a great job, is a single dad and is the best person I have ever dated. (& the most honest relationship I have had) During therapy, I learned my mistakes and one was bringing my BFF into my relationships. I keep our relationship to myself & disclose very little information. My BFF does know what he does for work, that he is a single dad & knows about my therapy. BFF has met my BF, along with other friends and they all love him. Thing is, I think my BFF is bothered, or a bit jealous. (this is my BF's explanation) She has been with her BF for a year now & she is moving in with him next month, getting married sometime next year. She has always said how wonderful her BF is (he really is a great guy) & tells everyone all the things he does for her, spends on her, etc. Both of our guys live around 30 min away from us & we see each other when we can. Until recently, she has been a 'weekend' girlfriend. Her BF works long hours and would only see her then. She was visiting me when my BF came by one evening out of the blue just to give me a hug & bring me med when I was sick. He stayed few min, then left. He has written some of the most beautiful letters and poems & she has seen some. Now, she complains her BF is not romantic enough & he needs to step it up...and that is when she started bad mouthing me to our friends. She told them about my therapy & said she gives it x amount of time until I screw this up. Said that he writes me letters because he is too poor to take me on a real date & that he is just using me to be a mother to his kids. When I told him this, he confronted her and told her she does not speak for him and dare she say such lies. That fueled the fire and now she is meaner than ever. This did not start until she had witnessed how he is with me and what I mean to him.
I have told her that she had no right to tell my personal business to anyone, but she continues. I am at a loss for words and wonder if I should say anything at all. I have ignored her for the most part, but I'm irritated with her words. How would you stop it?? Or should I just keep my mouth shut??
Re: BFF & her Words...
I don't agree with "I" statements simply because it doesn't work. Tried that - all I got were things like "I feel you're being a $)#(". A dirty fighter will always be a dirty fighter.... ...
And on that note - my ex was a dirty fighter. That situation and this situation are completely different but I realized then that at some point you have to get rid of the toxic people in your life. To me you BFF sounds extremely jealous. You can try to lay all of your cards on the table with them but in my experience they may only defend themselves and accuse you or make you feel like everything is your fault. If this were me I would tell BFF to get lost.
You shouldn't be telling either party what the other half said. Your BFF is toxic and you need to just let her go or keep her at a distance. IF she calls and asks how things are going between you and BF, just reply "things are great" then change the subject. Once she opened her mouth about your therapy, I would have dropped her like a hot potato in a heart beat.
My ex BFF was like this.
Note I said ex. Some people just have no place in your life.
So, you want to ignore your BFF so you can ? - what, be her friend?
Ignore her spiteful, mean, nasty, backstabbing comments .. so you can be friends?
What kind of relationship is that?
So, what exactly are you getting in a positive way from this friendship?
Honey, it is time to DTMF!!!!
yeah, I'm in the camp of "why is this person your "BFF"?". Even before this recent issue - something has been up w/ her in the past where you have to "keep her out of your relationships". why is that? What has she done in the past?
I really want to know why you call her your BFF.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why on earth would you tell him any of this? Are you 12? And he may be Mr Wonderful, but he never should have "confronted her." This is between you and her, or at least it should be.
YES -- to both of them! And learn to fight your own damned battles.
Who told you she was doing this?
and why are you still friends with her if you confirmed that it was true?
I would imagine it is really freaking your friend out that you are really learning how to stand on your own two feet, and have found a person in your life that you can respect and trust, making her feel a bit "out in the cold."
If you want to salvage this relationship (and at this point, that's a big if), I would try to sit down with this girl, one on one, and ask her what her concern is, that you are hearing her say all sorts of outlandish things, and would like to know where she is getting these ideas from, and reassure her that even though you are stronger now that you are doing some work on yourself, that you still care for her as a friend and value her and all that jazz. That might be enough to make her calm down and stop acting like such a spazz.
And I don't think you need to keep this from your boyfriend., If this is a man you value, respect and trust, you are well within your rights to confide in him.
Again, all of this is if you want to keep this prize around, and that's a big if.