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IL's behavior at parties (long, sorry)
I could really be overreacting here, but also just need to vent!
We'll be married a year in August, and this weekend was our first BBQ in our new house. We invited about 25-30 people, mix of friends and family, and were pretty happy to have people over. As with most newlyweds in their first houses, our house does need some repairs (we just discovered a major plumbing issue, and our kitchen ceiling collapsed due to a burst pipe in February.) so we've been doing a lot of basic work on our own and saving up money to get our kitchen and bathroom remodeled. That being said, most of the furniture and things in our backyard were either given to us, or borrowed from my mom for our little party, since we don't have the money right now for new patio sets.
My ILs showed up a half hour early, which was a nice gesture, if they actually helped! They came into the house and put all of the things that they brought with them (a case of bottled water, some chips and dips, etc) all over the kitchen counter that I was in the process of cleaning off. I let it slide, and just kept moving along, getting everything set up, etc. They made themselves comfortable at the one patio set (we have only one full set with umbrella, 6 chairs and the rest of the yard was set up with smaller tables, groupings of 2 chairs, 4 chairs) and basically did not move from that spot all day long. We made sure we had about 16 chairs knowing that people would be up mingling, playing horseshoes, etc and not sitting the whole time. His parents and their family (11 people total) all wound up moving all the chairs they could find to "their table", leaving random solo chairs about the backyard, leaving it up to myself and other guests to try to move a chair to a nearby table whenever someone wanted to eat. They saw plenty of people standing and trying to eat, trying to find chairs, and did not once get up and offer their seat to anyone! My mother came over, and they didn't even say hello to her. They all sat in their chairs and basically waited for my mother to come over and say hello to them.
Since we had guests and I was busy hosting, I did not discuss this with them at the party, but this is not the first time that this has happened with them. They do this at most parties, and this is not the first time they've ignored my mother until she's approached them, where they then pretend they didn't see her come in.
Is it worth asking my husband to approach this subject with them? Should we no longer invite them to casual bbq's? Or do we tell them a later time than everyone else, forcing them to mingle and not inconvenience other guests? Most importantly (to me), do I just keep them away from my family? It's very upsetting to see people blatantly ignore my mother, who is really nothing but nice to everyone she comes across.
Re: IL's behavior at parties (long, sorry)
No I wouldn't talk to them, it really doesn't seem worth it, it sounds like this is the way they are.
I don't normally mix different families, or families and friends since personalities are so different I figure it's just easier. You could do that.
Or you could get more chairs...or ask people if they have fold up chairs to bring them..
as for saying hi to someone, unfortunately your mom is just going to have to get used to this, but I really don't think that's going to be a big deal, they're not the friendliest people, but it's just saying "hi" so I'd suck that one up...
Well, I see both sides to this. I get your annoyance, but at the same time... this is who they are. They like to go to a party and "set up camp" in one area and stay there. Honestly, there is nothing wrong with this.
You can't force people to mingle. Some people are social and want to talk to others, some aren't. Trying to "force" them to do this is only going to make THEM have a bad time and their behavior will probably only get worse. There are 11 of them who want to be together? Then set up 11 chairs so that they can all be together. Then set up the other chairs nicely for other people.
Also, if you don't have enough chairs, perhaps ask them to bring some folding chairs with them!
As for your mother - yes, that's rude of them to make no effort to say hi, especially ignoring her as she comes up to them. What does your DH say about this? Does he notice and does it bother him too? If it does and if he's on the same page, then sure, he can say to them "I expect you to be polite to my MIL. If you can't be, then we will no longer invite you over....".
Also, I would say keep your families apart as much as you can. It may not always be possible, but if your IL's are going to be out and out rude to your family, I wouldnt' really try to get them all together all that much. Even if your DH talks to them, any "politeness" on their part will probably be somewhat forced.
DH and I have changed our approach to social situations based on his parents. They are always late. Always. A few years ago there were 3 big events in a 6 month period (my moms 60th, Fathers day, and something else) where my family sat at a restaurant for at least an hour waiting on my IL's. After that, I said "no more". We very, very rarely go out to eat w/ them anymore because I simply will not subject my family to their lateness like that again. We always entertain at one of our houses now because of this.
It sucks that we have to do this, but we know we can't change his parents. So on some level, you do have to adjust how you approach seeing his family socially. You're not going to be able to change them. But you can change your approach AND your expectations. Stop expecting them to be social!
And if you want a party where everyone mingles and gets up and moves around... don't invite them. But if you do invite them, set up an area for them and just accept they are going to be anti-social.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If this is how they act at every party, I don't know why you would expect them to act differently at yours. I understand that you had a vision of how people would mingle and interact at your BBQ, but it wasn't based on any actual evidence that these people have ever demonstrated before. To tell them, after the fact, something like "this is how I want you to act at our house" is both ineffective and rude. I say this gently - they were guests at your home, not actors in your play. They can sit and be boring if they choose.
That said, I would certainly base future parties and invitions on this information. If they are bound to set-up a spot from other groups of guests in a way that seems isolating or rude, then just have "them" over for a BBQ. If they are off to the side, but not bothering anyone, just make sure you have the type of furniture you want to accomodate everyone. I think at least part of your frustration was that you did not have enough furniture for everyone to sit and eat. If you did, you wouldn't have thought that the ILs weren't "sharing" well. Some years, my parents throw a huge summer BBQ party for their friends. They are all the "let's sit down in one spot, eat and chat" type. So they rent tables and folding chairs from a local party store and run a long table with chairs around it in the backyard. It's quite festive and surprisingly inexpensive to rent (and easy, the company delivers and picks everything up). Lots of people don't have big parties because they don't have enough chairs to go around. Especially if their guests aren't the mingling type. That's just how these things work.
Thanks for all the input, it's definitely appreciated!
I guess I thought (incorrectly, obviously) that since the bulk of our guests mingle and take part in outdoor activities, and chat with others, that my ILs "holding court" wouldn't be an issue, but I can see where I misjudged. I also did not expect them to move people over to the table so quickly and blatantly, but I've learned my lesson. It's definitely good to know that I'm not going to be considered a "bad" person for either separating his family, or only inviting friends to certain events from now on
And here's my experience - our families actually all got along wonderfully. For many years, we've spent the major holidays together, along w/ other social events.
A combination of his mom becoming depressed and us having DS - things have changed. On the surface, everyone gets along and it's all wonderful, but there is now an underlying tension there that never existed before. It's honestly kind of surprising.
But if our "one big happy family" can turn into something that just isn't as nice as it once was, trying to force to families together that have never been "one big happy family" probably isn't going to work out!
We still all get together, but not as often as we once did nor w/ as happy anticpation as we once did.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you didn't have enough chairs for everyone, then they probably didn't want to get up out of fear of losing their seats. Yeah, it's annoying, but I wouldn't want to stand for a whole party either. Who is to say that if the in-laws give up their seats, someone else will offer them a seat a little while later?
Plus, they probably didn't want to mingle with your family and your friends. I go to my in-laws' parties a lot and while I'll make polite small talk with unfamiliar people if I'm in contact with them, I'm not horribly concerned with making new buddies. Nor am I going to worry about offering some stranger my seat (unless it's an elderly/pregnant person who actually needs it) and then losing that seat for the rest of the day.
Lesson learned - next time, either have enough chairs for everyone (which is a good idea regardless of the IL situation), or just don't invite them if they piss you off so much.
With the exception of them not even waving "hi" to your mom when she got to the party, I really don't think they were rude. They like to sit together at parties instead of mingling. There's nothing wrong with that. If anything, the real "rude" behavior at the party came from you not providing enough seating so that all your guests could sit and enjoy their food.
So my family did this at our housewarming...they completely don't get that other people need a spot to sit and eat, their minds were stuck in "this is our table"...it went so far as telling each other to hold their seats while they were away from the table. Very annoying but they just don't get it. I mentioned it to my mother saying "Ya know I don't have a lot of furniture to offer people and I expected that the little we did have would not be claimed right away, that it would be more of a come and go thing, people would sit as they ate or maybe to rest a bit, but to for one family to have one of two table the entire day is impossible." She still didn't understand, saying her mother needed a seat (which I aknowledged is true and maybe the one or two seats around her the members of the family could have switched up sitting next to her...but again, they had an entire table and about 10 chairs all day long)
If this were to happen again, I would suggest that these family members bring their own chairs. I would say, "I noticed you all like to sit together, does anyone have a table they can bring with them and perhaps everyone can bring their own chairs...it's hard to provide seating for everyone and this would really help me out". I can't complain if they are taking up their own chairs.
I could also walk over and say "is there anyone not eating right now that wouldn't mind sharing their spots with some friends that are looking for a spot to eat, they are very friendly and I could introduce you"
aside of not rushing over to your mom to say hi (which, imo, would be weird anyway) they didnt' do anything wrong.
and if i get to a party i go around and say hi to everyone. i dont expect everyone to jump up and rush over and say hi to me. same when i leave.
i think there's something else going on here.
And just a helpful hint. Lots of Funeral Homes will lend-out their folding chairs at no cost. They have loads because of the need at wakes and services, but often have lots of extras on hand. They do it for good will (possible future customers) and general community positive-talk about their business.
But you will have to pick-up and drop-off on your own.
Oh wow! Really? That's definitely helpful, thanks!
I appreciate everyone's opinions; you've all been a great help