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Older sib loves to condescend to and embarass me...
I basically need to vent because I don't have much recourse and doing anything after the fact is pretty pointless...
Anyway, this bothered me less at the time, but more after I've reflected on it.
My sister is in her later 30s, and I'm in my later 20s. So yes, there is a decent age gap between us, and I think she can't stop seeing me as a little kid despite the fact that I'm what I would call a responsible adult (financially independent/secure, a home-owner with my fiance, getting married in a year, hard worker, doing fine, etc.)
Recently, as I was talking with my sister about a new job I was considering accepting, she came at me with this zinger: "You know, you're very lucky with the jobs you've gotten and what you've gotten paid. You're still really very entry level, only a couple years out of college." (I've been out of college for 5+ years, and have worked a couple middle-management marketing positions since I was 23 - marketing manager, territory manager for state of xx, etc). I disagree and either way feel it was out of line for her to imply that I've lucked into positions, haven't earned them or been worth my compensation.
My reaction at the time was, "I've had some good jobs, that's true, but I've been in management positions since I got out of college..." and that's the truth.
That was one recent gem of many over the course of years. She seems plain jealous, but I would think as the parent she is today - trying to set a good example for her kids - she'd at least try to keep the green monster in check. She often "shares" (rather, makes up) embarrassing, but untrue anecdotes about things that never happened that she alleges I did at an age inappropriate time, in front of friends and family or during holidays. She says I was treated better by my parents than she was, alleging the ways they promised free schooling then drove her into the financial ruin of student loans (interestingly, I have about 17K in student loan debt, and was never promised free schooling by the 'rents). She has even lectured my fiance on stupid things like what vinaigrette salad dressing is - which we made ourselves (like she's so worldly and we're from another planet).
I feel she disrespects me, my parents, my fiance and extended family. But the problem is - she never says all these things at once... it's just these passive-aggressive little digs/lecturing/condescending moments that occur over the course of time that would make a person look a fool if they went off on her over just one of them.
Not sure what I can do but just accept the fact that she is an insecure person herself, trying to level the playing field in her own way... any ideas?
Re: Older sib loves to condescend to and embarass me...
"why would you say that? That story is not true."
"your issues with mom and dad are none of my concern."
"we know what vinaigrette is."
"why would you say such a thing?"
"that is not very nice"
all said very calmly...there is no need to go off on her, just calmly put everything back on her. Also, limit what you tell her or how much time you spend with her.
She's jealous of you.
Ignore her comments. Let them, as the saying goes, slide off you like water off a duck's back. She's saying them to make you feel inept and inferior, thus making herself feel superior and worthy of the "older sister" place in the family. If you ignore them, she will eventually get worse, and then once that doesn't work, she'll likely stop altogether. But you have to decide that what she says is all her and has nothing to do with you. And you have to give it time.
And minimize your time with her. If you ask me, there's no point...
Stop talking to her in detail about your life. Give short, vague answers. She WANTS you to argue with her, so stop giving her that satisfaction.
If she starts being an ass, change the subject and talk about something else. Ignore her. Interrupt her if need be (Her: "You know, you should really do XYZ instead of ..." You: "Hey, Dad, did you see the Red Sox game last night? Wasn't that a nail-biter?").
If all else fails, politely excuse yourself from the conversation and walk away.
I'm sorry about your sister; this is miserable. I have one like that too.
Unfortunately, for me, it only got worse through the years (I'm 51, she's 60) and all our adult lives it's been like this. I got more from the parents, they liked me better, she never had a chance for college and I got to go to law school, no one paid her any attention, blah blah blah blah blah. Then she went after my kids; just wait, when they grow up they'll use drugs, you'll have grandchildren in a year (my boys were young teens) etc etc. I hope for your sake that she can stop this; but at her age it seems pretty unlikely.
I limit my contact with my sister to the absolute bare minimum (as in when I see her at family funerals). We had several knock down drag out fights through the years which got me no where; I'd confront her or speak back when she'd say these things; but nothing really helped other than to just not see her often.
It did make me feel better, when she'd say things like "The parents put you through law school" to say "No, I put myself through; they did not pay for any of it", rather than just let her lie stand out there. Nothing you do, however, is going to make her be anything other than what she is.
Thanks to all for your support, especially Sue-Sue.
Because we live across the country from each other, we rarely see one another as it is, so limited contact already is limited contact. Pretty much holidays or passing through the state on vacation. We rarely talk on the phone, either... it goes both ways, so that seems to be a choice we've both made.
I agree, at her age, it might not get better, but possibly worse in terms of resentment toward my parents or jealousy toward me, however, it's true I could do more to set her straight when I think she's being disrespectful or dishonest.
Part of the reason I haven't been more vocal is 1. because I'm pretty non-confrontational in general, but more importantly, 2. I don't want to lose any opportunity to have contact with her kids (who are truly sweet children, regardless of any shenanigans!) - I have seen her use them as pawns in arguments with my parents a few times, and it was months sometimes without communication of any kind; it took a family health crises before she came around.
Not sure if anyone has a suggestion when a person uses her kids as a threat against family to gain leverage in arguments; it makes me feel pretty helpless to defend myself, and my parents feel the same way.
She does it because it clearly works with all of you.
It's hard; I'm not particularly confrontational, though I've gotten better through the years. It's useful to say it like it is; as in "Oh. I see. If I want to see your children, I have to let you say ugly things to me.". Smile. Or "Oh. Three insults for an hour with the children. Ok." Smile. If that's going to cause too much misery for you, by all means just walk away laughing when she says such stupid things; "hahahahaha oh, you can have such a vivid imagination. hahahahah ok, let's go out back for some sunshine" to the children.
Use what time you do have with her to focus on the children; keep in touch with them by sending presents and cards. And try not to let her ruin your time with family. I second the poster who said to just be abrupt in replies: "Why would you say that?" "That's not so"; "What an odd thing to bring up" "That was twenty years ago; you have a really remarkable memory".
You've gotten good advice so far. I'd recommend not engaging. If she wants to talk about how much you've gotten, etc....walk away and don't talk about it.
Also, when she tells you how lucky you are, a reply like "I think we all make our own luck in life" might work.
Ugh,I'm sorry you have to deal with this. The pp's have already given you great advice. I just wanted to add that I can relate, somewhat. My older brother has some of the same tendencies, though thankfully not as bad, no blatant lies, etc. But he has often tried to goad me into arguments and put me on the defensive about my life and my choices. I *know* it's to make himself feel superior, possibly jealousy (I'm younger but got married first, had a kid first). When I was much younger it often worked as I tend to be non-confrontational and would try to defend/explain myself. All I got for that was a bigger argument and tons of frustration - it's just not worth it! Plus he WANTED to get a rise out of me. Anyway, thankfully he has gotten better over the years, but I have also decided that I am NOT going to engage him when he gets like that.