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Where's the Line Between Antisocial and Abusive? (Long)
A good friend of mine (J) has been dating this guy (D) for about 8 months and they recently moved in together. J is very sweet and outgoing and always up for getting together with friends. D is extremely antisocial, has few if any friends, but has a close-knit family. B and I have tried to be helpful to J in inviting both of them out for dinner, drinks, brunch, to see music, whatever it is that we have going on, but D pretty much refuses to come out. I've now met D twice -- once at a party J threw at her old apartment, before D and J moved in together, where D sulked and didn't talk to anyone, and once for brunch at J's apartment where B and I were over prior to the Superbowl. As far as I know, I am the only friend of J's who has actually hung out with D aside from at the party. D claims that he has a very stressful job (he's a lawyer), and just doesn't like hanging out with people because he's on "display". I should also mention that J had to beg D to attend a wedding with her this summer. I really worry about J, because I can see her quickly moving towards getting engaged, and I don't want her to make the wrong decision.
I certainly understand that it's J's decision whether she wants to live with and eventually marry D, but I want to be on the lookout for any signs of abuse. It's been my experience that people like D can use their own insecurities as a basis to become controlling over their partner. So where do you draw the line between D's general lack of socializing and possible abuse of J because of it?
Re: Where's the Line Between Antisocial and Abusive? (Long)
So far, nothing you described sounds abusive IMO. If J still hangs out with you on her own and goes to parties even if he doesn't, he really is antisocial and she's free to do whatever she wants. However, I feel like at some point J needs to look objectively at things and say to herself "I'm ok going to dinners/weddings/parties alone" and if he's not stopping her, then he's not abusive. If she wants to marry someone who will go to those things, hopefully she'll realize that soon.
ETA: btw, even if she goes to fewer things it could mean that she just chooses to not go alone, not that he's forcing her to stay - it may seem sad to you, but it's her choice. There are subtle differences between antisocial and abusive, but again, it sounds like he really is just a homebody. (side note: his excuse is a little strange, but he may have just come up with that instead of saying "I just like being home")
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Ditto Amanda and snoopy. I see what you're saying--you're worried that he might demand that she cut ties and only socialize with whom he chooses to socialize (like his close-knit family), but so far that doesn't seem to be the case from what you posted (I would look out for it if you're concerned, though). But for example the wedding: he didn't tell her not to go, she just had to beg him to go. He really does sound like a huge introvert to me at this point who likes to recharge alone, at home, with select people at times.
Marriage-wise, it really comes down if they're actually compatible. Sometimes introverts and extroverts compliment each other well; sometimes it's just a big disaster waiting to happen (usually in that the introvert doesn't meet the extrovert's desire for the introvert to be more social). Your friend has to decide if his introversion is compatible with the type of relationship she wants.