Sex & Romance
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Husband no into sex?
Okay so I have been married for almost 3 years and for the past 3 years I have been the one who initiates sex 99% of the time. If it were up to him he would "remember" to have sex with me maybe once a week or every other week. I, on the other hand, want to sex 24/7 and get so mad when I have to initate it. I want him to lust after me and desire me and make love to me. I knwo that he is tired because he works long hours and gets min amounts of sleep, but every guy I know is really sex-driven...and my husband is not in the slightest! What do I do??? Please tell me I am not alone?!
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Re: Husband no into sex?
You have been married 3 years. You've probably been together in excess of 5 years.
The "lustful" phase of your relationship is OVER. Attraction and frequency of sex will vary according to the amount of time you have been together. He's not going to be turned on with a boner every five minutes.
And sexual attraction waxes and wanes. It's the nature of the beast.
"Every guy" you know is sex driven? Either you've slept with everyone from here to Teterboro, New Jersey or you are relying on unfactual information, rumors and garbage that makes it to press in those ladies' magazines.
Fact is every guy is different: some guys like sex more than twice a day; other guys are fine with having sex once a week or maybe even once a month: everybody is different. Everybody is different, men and women included.
Age is a factor; so is one's current lifestyle, whether somebody's taking medication, etc.
What you need: COMMUNICATION.
You need to sit down and discuss the fact that you would like more sex more frequently. If he's working long hours, sorry --- a hot sex life with once a day sex probably will not be possible.
(And I find it amazing that you're rarin' to go for hawt sex each and every night after running after a small toddler all day -- that's usually nonstop work. How is it you're perky and turned on and ready to be a sex kitten?)
Once a week sounds okay to me, though I'm sure twice or 3 times a week could be a little better -- it could be his schedule, it could be what his sex drive is right now. It could be where you're both at as a couple right now.
You also have a kiddo in the picture. THings are bound to change. It's tough to squeeze in sex when you know the kid might cry for something or want something.
You need to sit down and talk to him.
And talk to him OUTSIDE the bedroom; try the living room or the den -- anywhere else but the bedroom ---and above all, do not initiate the conversation when you're in the sack. He's bound to have a sh!t fit, especially when you say you do nothing but display rancor when you inititate sex -- holy cow, I woldn't be in the mood for sex, either, if my boyfriend or SO did that to me!
You need to keep the conversation factual and objective and void of anger. Tell him you'd like more sex -- and that the 2 of you need to work on that together.
And he does need to meet you half way with some sort of a compromise that is satisfactory to you both.
Try date nights -- they need not be expensive -- or see if you can have somebody watch the kiddo for a weekend and you and your H have a getaway weekend or a "lock in" at your house where it's just you and him and nature taking its course.;) You might also try setting up a bath for the both of you; add music, candles and wine and some finger foods. How could he resist?
I see also you are TTC -- put that on hold until you figure out what's happening here; maybe he's not ready for another child and hence, that's playing a role in what's happening in your sex life.
If you talk and he still won't ante up -- he owes it to you as a husband and partner to work on this with you -- he very well could have decided the sex department is what it is from there on in. You'll have to accept that --- or you can choose to move on. This will have to be up to you.
If this was a case where he was refusing to have sex and the situation has gone on for many months, it would be another story altogether. But that's not what is happening here.
Sex isn't everything; then again, a marriage that's filled with once in awhile sex isn't great, either. He needs to work on this with you. GL.
I agree with the above post. Couldn't have said it better.
Just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I went through a similar situation and was in a relationship with him for over 7 years... our sex drives were very different. I wanted it more, and he was just happy with once or twice every week or so. How was your sex life before you had a child? Did he jump your bones all the time, or have you always wanted it more than he did?
Best thing to do is discuss expectations and what would make you happy (in terms of frequency) and what is the bare minimum you could live with. The worst feeling in the world is being unhappy about something, staying silent and growing resentful. Talk it out, and good luck!
I totally understand. You and I are in the same boat. It's good to know we're not alone. However, we don't have any kids yet. I'm sure that would make plenty of changes. Often, my H is literally to exhausted to get worked up. It's hard to understand, for me anyway, that the idea isn't that he isn't attracted - he's tired! I've never been a man (LOL) but I can imagine that it takes a lot of blood pressure and excitedness to get to the point where you want to ravage your wife.
>.< I hope that made sense and wasn't creepy! Just know, that I am also constantly initiating just about any type of closeness. I recommend The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's great for understanding.
Are you a SAHM? Just asking, because if all the pressure to support the household financially is on your DH, that could be stressing him out, in addition to the long hours and lack of sleep, which all can contribute to zero libido for him. In addition, there could be added pressures from his job that are not helping.
Help him out a bit - on a weekend, sneak out with the baby early and let him sleep in and relax. If the grandparents are close by (or another trusted family member/friend), ask them to babysit overnight one night and pamper and indulge your hubby to do whatever he wants (even if it means no sex). Let him know you love him and cherish him for all he does for you and your son - show him how much you appreciate all he does for your family, without bringing sex into the conversation. He will come around.
While you are waiting, then may I suggest you calm your very healthy libido with a toy or two? Make sure you keep them well hidden from curious little hands.
Excellent advice, too!:)
TLC helps, too -- how about cooking his favorite meal and then watching one of his favorite movies -- or just let the gent sleep in and get some extra shut eye.:)
Have you read this board? Every other post is about their SO not wanting sex and the posts are written by women. Not every man is sex driven and ready to go at any time...seems to be quite the opposite.
Like I said, he needs to work on this with you; he's obligated and he owes it to you as a husband and partner.
If he won't or won't listen or is all enthusiastic about the idea and then nothing follows, that's a story altogether different. That would not only show me that he doesn't care about your needs, it would also be a pretty good show that his character isn't what it should be. A good H cares about all your needs, whether they're financial or love or sex.
Say to him, "Honey, I love you. You've got a great body and I love being with you -- what do you say to both of us having more sex? I would love to have more sex with you" or something similar. Use that as an icebreaker --- make sure the kiddo is taking a nap or somebody's watching him for the afternoon when you discuss having more sex with him; have a good long uninterrupted discussion with your H.
I think once a week for starters wouldn't be "breaking the bank"and it wouldn't be demanding too much of him. Work up to more than once a week; like I said, twice or 3 times a week would be pretty good.
Do not be shy about bringing this up (so to speak). Communication is key -- and as a pp pointed out, have the discussion now before what you're feeling festers and smokes on the back burner and then finally turns into a massive explosion. Sex is one hell of a thing for a couple to argue about --- and as you can see, it can be an ugly subject when it rears its head. Sex, money and religion are the 3 biggies couples argue about.
This.
Just curious -- before you were married, who did most of the initiating?
I doubt very much if that was a trend that began immediately starting on your wedding night. My guess is you probably were the initiator for the entire time you've been sexually active with him but you somehow thought that would end once he married you...or that it was no big deal and you could accept being married to a guy who never initiated sexually.
Working up to sex 3 times a week? Doable -- but I don't know how this guy will turn into an initiator; the only thing I can suggest is a sex therapist or perhaps you and he can try some roleplaying (you and he meet at a local bar; you act like you're strangers; he buys you a drink, he picks you up, he takes you home and the rest of the scene proceeds from there) where he'd be the initiator and not you.