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Mom's hijacking my wedding pictures
I got married in late May and recently got my proofs of my wedding photos (which are included in our photo package). When I took them over to my parents house, I light-heartedly remarked to my mother, "Mike (Brother-in-law) said he'll scan these so we don't have to fight over who gets which ones." My mother very quickly and sharply replied, "I get all of them. I paid for them!"
Now I already know that some people will lambast me for letting my parents pay for my wedding (at least I saw plenty of that directed at brides on the knot boards). Paying for my wedding was something that my parents wanted to do, and something I want to do for my children in the future. I've always felt that if parents decide to pay for their child's wedding, that is a gift to the child. I certainly never had any idea she intended to keep all 400 of the wedding proofs.
She also intends to keep everything else that comes with the package, except for the album. At least my husband and I get that.
I am simply heartbroken about this. I have no idea how to even attempt a logical discussion about this topic with my mother. It's such an emotionally charged issue. Has anyone else been through anything like this? Any ideas?
Re: Mom's hijacking my wedding pictures
So, here are your options:
1) pay her back the money for the pictures and take over ownership.
2) copy the proofs like planned and then give your mom the proofs.
3) go through the proofs online and then order the pictures you really want and let your Mother pound sand.
Here is the thing...you are not going to keep all 400 proofs. You may, at best, print out 100-150 to cover all of the guests, and then put them in an album that you take out once a year or so. But the number of pictures you will actually KEEP and DISPLAY will fall under 20. And in 3 years time, it will fall to 4-5 as you replace the wedding pictures with new pictures of you and DH doing X, Y, or Z. And then when you have kids, you may have 2 wedding pictures at best.
Now, if you are trying to prove a point with your Mother, then make this a hill to die on. But you will actually WIN THE WAR, vs this small battle, if you GO AROUND HER. She is trying very hard to retain control. So dont engage her/work around her and she looses the control and learns a valuable lesson - she can no longer control you.
This. We are coming up on our second anniversary and we are already swapping wedding photos out for newer ones. Have a couple nice ones printed out and accept the album your mom is giving you. Wait a couple years when the "OMG WEDDING!!!!11!!!!!1!!" has worn off and you will be happy you don't have 400 proofs sitting around collecting dust.
How much would printing another set of 400 proofs cost? I bet it's less than a hundred dollars, probably less than fifty. Just call the photographer.
It's nice that you plan to freely give your theoretical future children an all-paid wedding with no strings attached or intention to hold onto any of it. Clearly, your mother has not. You can want to get a a giftt a certain way, the trick is to find someone who will actually give it that way. Your mother isn't that person. She bought a photo package for your wedding and wants to keep all 400 proofs when it's all done.
Stop stomping your foot and saying you deserve free proofs as a gift and just buy a set. Trust me, the less you insist on free stuff from your parents, the happier you'll be.
This.
My parents paid for our wedding. We just have our album and one print that we have framed. I'm cool with that. If I wanted more, I'd call the photographer and order some more with my own money.
But yeah - your mom paid for the photographer, so the pictures are hers. Too bad that you didn't discuss this sort of thing with her before accepting her generous gift. But there's absolutely nothing stopping you from purchasing your own set of pictures, so rather than fight with your mom over the pictures that she paid for - buy your own.
Give her the money for the photographer/pictures.
I don't think you really need the proofs, but I do think its a bit much that she's insisting the proofs are hers. Its not her wedding. Why does she need them all?
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This.
I wouldn't make it a hill to die on. Pick the photos you want, create your album & move on. You had a wonderful wedding day & while this seems heartbreaking to you-- when you look back in a year you will wonder why you wanted to make a big stink out of it.
Don't make it into a pissing* match with your mom. Let her have her way with the photos, but you still get what you want (keepsake album and photos you really want).
Good luck.
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The mother isn't keeping it all. She's giving her daughter the wedding albumn. She just wants to keep the proofs. Which she can, becuase she didn't make a gift of those. Again, if the poster wants someone to give her a gift of the proofs then she needs to fina someone else. He mom has made it clear that the gift did not include the proofs. That's what happens with gifts, you only get what people want to give you. Even if you assume the gift is bigger than the giver intended. Oops.
And like many people posted, the best photos will be selected, the albumn will be made and that's what the bride will look at in the future. The proofs will go in a draw and never see the light of day. The bride will presumably have access to them when she visits her mother's house and digs them out of the draw.
The poster can look on the bright side. If she doesn't want to buy her own set now, she'll likely inherit her mother's some day.
am i the only one here who wonders what on earth she's going to do with YOUR wedding proofs? really? it was still YOUR wedding-regardless of if she paid or not for the photographer-not her wedding. that's like her keeping your cake cutting set. that's bizarre.
i disagree about the proof never being looked at again. we chose a ton for our album but loved a lot of the proofs as well so we have them in a separate album that we put together.
I have been married 8 years, we didn't get to keep our proofs (we could have bought them but really they weren't the best quality and they had stamps on them with the photographer's name) and I don't miss them.
We have an album, a 8x10 framed and a large framed picture over our mantle (it is more a picture of the chapel than of us). My parents got a portfolio that those chose the pictures for and the IL's got the same. My mom chose to get some 5x10's and 5x5's printed and framed.
I am not going to lie, I haven't looked at my album in years. It seems ridiculous to die on this mountain for something that in a few years won't be all that important. Do I think your mom is a bit ridiculous, sure. But in the grand scheme of things, it seems silly. Or get another set of proofs printed and be done with it.
Just curious, are you an only child or only daughter?
Lots of drama over nothing.
if you really want all four hundred proofs, including the ones with people's eyes shut and the one where there's spinach in your teeth, order a set from the photographer. They are not free,and your mother can keep the set she paid for for herself if she wants. Then, write your mother a nice thank you for the album she selects for you, as it is a lovely gift and something that she did not have to do at all.
Ditto. Just buy a set of the proofs and whatever pictures you want. I don't see what the problem is. My parents paid for our photographer, but they certainly didn't keep the proofs. They gave them to us and we ordered a bunch of pictures for them.
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She paid for them, so ultimately she has the right to keep them. Yes, it's a crappy and weird thing to do to you, but that's what happens when you accept someone else's money.
I'm not faulting you for accepting your parents' payment for your wedding, but I AM pointing out that nothing in life is ever "free." Lesson learned - if you want total control over something, then pay for it yourself. Otherwise there will always be strings attached.
I'm also dittoing those who said it's ridiculous to get upset over not having 400 proofs. What do you need them for? If you have the album then that's really all you need. If you want the proofs, then ask Mom if you can scan them (and then print them off Shutterfly or something), or ask the photographer if you can buy another set of proofs or a CD of images.
I didn't even get prints or proofs from my wedding ... we got a CD of all the edited images, an external hard drive of every single image from the wedding day, and full rights to all our photos. I printed some with Shutterfly's free 100 pics deal to give to friends, I printed our Thank You card on Shutterfly, I uploaded my favorite 150 pics to a Facebook album to share with friends, and I made a small coffee table album on mpix.com. I'm VERY glad not to have a giant box of proofs collecting dust. And I was only married a year ago, so it's not like it's been years.
I think that's the issue here - it doesn't seem like OP and her mother had any kind of prior agreement as to what would happen to the photos.
All of this.
We are working with a photographer who is a friend of the family so this may be different from what you could do. But we are not getting any proofs we are just buying a disc with all the wedding pictures and she is not printing any of them for us. This way I only have to pay for the prints that I want. And both sets of parents will get to borrow the disc themselves and print the pictures that they want.
Doing it this way if we want a different picture printed for whatever reason in the future we can just print it
Yep. I think your mom hijacked your wedding pictures.
So now what can you do?
you can choose to let her bask in the glory of holding the ransom, or move on. Like other pp said, I would just get my own set and never never mention wedding pictures to her again. If she brings it up, short answers work well. But remember to be nice, you still have the album coming. You don't want her to take that, too.