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Explaining Death to Children
Hi ladies... My mom passed away on 6/22 from Pancreatic Cancer. Her death was quick as her diagnosis w/cancer was 5/17, and then it was confirmed to be Pancreatic on 6/3. We are all getting through our days, some harder than others. However my sister has two children of her own, and one step child. She is having difficulty explaining death to the youngest- who will be 5 years old on 7/11.Her oldest daughter (9) and her stepson (8) seem to understand what has
happened, but are extremely emotional (totally understandable). However
she also is struggling with how to address those emotions. My sister just falls apart and then gets frustrated with herself for not being able to explain or help her kids.
Can anyone recommend any children's books for this age? Online resources?
My sister doesn't have a lot of money and counseling (even grief) isn't covered on her health plan- sooooooooo flipping crazy, so I am trying to help her out.
Also, I have a 15 year old brother who does NOT want to talk about this. I understand that everyone deals with death in their own way, however it worries me tremendously....Thoughts?
Many thanks...
Re: Explaining Death to Children
I'm so sorry for your loss. Pancreatic Cancer is a terrible disease and often is very quick.
My first suggestion would be to contact the Oncology social worker at the hospital where your mother was treated. Part of their job is to provide support and grief counseling to families. They may be able to meet with you or your sister to talk about your specific concerns. They will also be able to provide information on resources in your area (free counseling programs and programs for children).
My next suggestion is to contact a local Hospice agency. Even if your mom was not enrolled in Hospice services, Hospice agencies often provide free grief counseling and programs to families whose loved ones have died.
The children you mentioned will all have different understandings of your mom's death. It sounds like the 8 and 9 year olds understand and are showing age-appropriate reactions. The 5 year old will likely have a harder time understanding. It is important that your sister use the words "dead" and "died" when discussing it. It is confusing and scary for kids when adults try to protect them by using softer terms like "is gone", "is sleeping", or "went away". A 5 year old can't understand those terms as permanent, and especially the "is sleeping" one can be terrifying for a child who also goes to sleep (will they sleep forever too?).
The 15 year old is also reacting in a fairly age-appropriate way. Be sure he knows that he has someone to talk to should he want to and that he feels supported. A counselor through Hospice might be helpful for him.
Kids Konnected is a great organization for children with parents or loved ones with cancer. Their hotline is 1-800-899-2866. The American Cancer Society is also great for resources and can be reached at 800-227-2345.
Good luck.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss.
http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/ChildrenandCancer/HelpingChildrenWhenaFamilyMemberHasCancer/index
http://www.someoneiloveissick.com/
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html
" If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it" (a quote from the last website linked).
"Avoid using euphemisms, such as telling kids that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away."
I don't have much to add but wanted to stress the bold above. I know someone who did this and their child had issues for years.
Thanks for all your help ladies. My mom didn't live close by (3 hours away) from us kids. She was in hospice 4 days, so I never thought to look in that resource...
After mom died we had to clean her apartment & empty it by 7/1. So my sister took one of mom's shower curtains and hung it in her own master bath- because she really liked it and it reminded her fondly of mom. Little One (5 years old) asked my sister if grandma got a new shower curtain. My sister told her again that grandma died and won't be needing a shower curtain in heaven. Little One asked, "When she isn't dead anymore will she get a new one?" Little One seems worried that my sister is crying and insists on praying for grandma each night before bedtime because she has been able to at least understand that something is "off" or not okay with grandma.
She has talked with the kids regarding grandma's illness died from cancer and that she went to heaven where she is with Jesus. The kids were at the memorial and saw grandma the 17th when she was really sick. Her stepson was at the hospital with us when mom passed away, albeit he was in the other room sleeping...
Maybe my sister shouldn't have mom's things out like that? ugh. I don't know.
My brother doesn't want anything that reminds him of mom in his eye sight. He did inherit mom's car and although he can't legally own it or take it out for a drive, the kid has washed it and detailed it many times, and sits in it with the music on, changed the oil, etc...
I am trying to hold things together for my siblings... and take care of final arrangements of her finances, etc. My God- you wouldn't believe how DUMB the cable/internet provider service person was regarding the whole thing. :::Rolls eyes::: I wanted to shake her, but I didn't. :-)
First, my condolences. I know how hard it is to lose your mom suddenly.
There is a book for kids "The Dragonfly Door" that does give some pretty good insight. You can get it on Amazon, I just checked.
I also would be very worried about your 15 year old brother. This is a horrible age to lose a parent. I would do anything possible to get him into some type of grief therapy. Most kids that age won't let family near their emotions and that's pretty common.
I wish you the best!