Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help! Mom & Grandmother Issues... (ventish?)
So, I'm just going to dive into it. ETA: This was a lot longer than I intended. Thank you so much if you make it through.
My mom moved my elderly grandmother (90) out to be closer to her all the way across the United States. Without getting into too much detail and geography lets put it that I am in West Coast and they are on the East Coast. I communicate w/my mom via email & text. The best way to communicate with my Grandmother has been letters, cards, and phone calls.
My job used to be a field job (repair technician). I was driving around a lot more and got hour lunches. Well, we got lucky in the babymaking dept. and now that I'm pg I can't be unstacking washer-dryer units (its not generally recommended lol). So rather than ***-can me, my job offered me a position in the dispatch call center. I take calls, troubleshoot and set service if I have to.
Its great to be off my feet, but being on the phone 8 hours a day is exhausting. So much so that when I get home I really don't have energy to call much of anyone. I used be much more available by phone, but now all I want to do is hide from it.
Well, now my mom is after me. She wants me to call my Grandmother more. Now, I understand that my Grandmother is getting older and more frail. She enjoys hearing from me and I (generally) enjoy talking to her. However, she can't hear me over the phone anymore. I also believe that some form of dementia is setting in (hey at 90 she was doing awesome up until this point). She doesn't follow the conversation, and I feel like we are going in circles. Now, I know the main point is that she feels like I thought of her and called. That she feels special and not forgotten. That I am ok with. I hate it that she feels forgotten.
Its the guilt tripping from my mom about it that is driving me insane. Yes, I don't call as much as I used to. I know. Before I was stuck in traffic or getting coffee between calls. I could pick up the phone and gab for about 30 minutes until I got the call to go someone's house to repair something. Now, I get home in the evening and I barely have enough energy to feed myself, take care of the animals & shove my sorry carcass into bed. I imagine it will be a real uphill trudge when I introduce a newborn to this equation (see ticker in siggy).
Here's the thing: I DO feel really guilty about the whole mess. I love my Grandmother and she has done so very much for us. When my Dad bailed on my mom (left her to single parenting) my Grandmother lived with us to save on childcare. I could always count on her to be home with me when I was sick and there if we needed her. So, I feel like I am short-changing her during this time in my life and I hate it. I think I am prone to guilt anyway (I have recently come to the conclusion that I am a worrier-- when did this happen?).
I feel so frustrated because I'm just trying to do what I can with the energy I have. So yeah, I'm really sorry this thing got so long. I'm kind of just venting to the universe. I feel like I should just suck it up and call my Grandmother when I get home in the evenings about 3 times a week like she is used to. I feel awful for changing the routine on her. I feel like I should suck it up, but then when I get home the idea of getting on the phone again for a trying conversation (people are yelling at me all day long about service stuff -- its hard.) seems so overwhelming.
Thank you for listening to me, and I hate being whiny-- but I just had to get out.
Re: Help! Mom & Grandmother Issues... (ventish?)
What does your mom think is going to happen when you have a baby? If you're tired now and don't have the energy to talk, it's going to get worse - at least while you have a newborn at home!
My advice is to tell your mom to back off. You'll do what you can, you feel bad enough as it is w/o her jumping on the bandwagon, and that really - this is between you and your grandmother.
AND then shut down the conversation after that. She brings it up? "I'm not discussing this w/ you." and even hang up if you need to.
But, as for your grandmother, I would try to call once a week. Set up a time that she knows you'll be calling. I know you want to be there for her, but the reality is what it is - your life has already changed and it's going to change even more. Do what you feel you can, but realistically - once you have the baby, you may really have less time to make these calls 3 times a week.
In "exchange", perhaps try sending mroe cards...
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with this. Nothing wrong with saying to your mother, "Mom - my relationship w/ Gma is none of your business." and leave it at that. She presses? Tell her, "I told you it's not your business and I will not discuss this with you any further."
question 1. does grandma live with your mom.
If the answer is yes what about skype. My grandma also has issues with following a phone conversation skying is easier on her. Every Sunday she goes to my parents and we skype for 10 minutes or so. A big part is to see my daughter but I get in my visit.
I think its really mean that you're pregnant and your mother is making these demands on you. Good grief woman, shouldn't eveyone be making YOUR life easier - not the other way around.
I moved out of state and I got the hysterical "You need to call me more" routine from my mother. I called all the time and she still demanded more. Until I said "I CALL ENOUGH MOM. YES I DO. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW MUCH I CAN CALL AND ITS ENOUGH."
Tell your mother, 'Yes this is a change. Yes, its less frquently. And yes, it is enough." And once you start believing it, she'll listen.
In terms of dealing with your mother and all that - you've gotten a lot of great advice here and I'm in total support of letting your mother know that your relationship with your grandmother is between you and her.
That said, I also totally agree that "making up" for the lack of calls with some more cards or letters is a lovely idea. I think that having something tangible for your grandmother to hold and to look at repeatedly would mean a lot to her - I know it meant a lot to my grandmother waaay back when. She would always refer to my letters that I sent to her when I was a kid, well into my adulthood. Even if you just pick up a Hallmark something-or-other note card on your way to work (or home) and fill in a few sentences during your coffee break or lunch break, if you do that once a week, it'll mean a lot to her, I believe. In this age of emails and technology and phone calls, I think it's very special to get a piece of mail that isn't a bill or a promotion.
Good luck!
Y'all are right. This is something that my mom should stay out of, thank you for reminding me of that. I hadn't even thought of it, strangely enough.
To answer questions: My grandmother lives on her own, but only 10 minutes from my mom. My mom stops by frequently to check on her and make sure everything is ok. I think they are over at each other's houses frequently, and we could Skype. That is a great idea.
I am also looking into getting an Iphone for the face-time application. I have no idea how it works (don't have it yet) but that seems like it would be a great option so that my mom could boot up her Iphone & we could chat that way too.
Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. I don't want to be a beebee about it all, but it is a relief to get it off my chest.
Can you do the same phone calls if they were cut shorter? or had your mother on the other end with your grandmother to stop the phone call if it becomes unproductive? would you be willing to call at a set day and time, but only once a week and step up mailing her a little something (photos, cards, that sort of thing). Would skype be doable?
Edited to admit that I hadn't read your very last post on the matter. Since your mom doesn't live with your grandmother, do you think that she's getting an earful (not necessarily complaints, but "why isn't granddaughter calling?" or "i get so lonely, I wish she'd call" type comments from your mother? I'm wondering if your mom is pressing you because she's being pressed or is seeing your grandmother withdraw more, or the converse, seeing your grandmother as "better" when there's more than just your mom interacting with her?)