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MIL issues...
I am wondering if anyone out there has any advice on what to do about my MIL. (sorry this is a little long)
I come from a very big family, with a lot of family friends. My parents met each other through friends, so they have a lot of friends from high school and such in common, that they still keep in touch with. As well as these friends both My mom's and dads sides of the family get along, so almost all our family events include both sides of the family. (At least 50 people between both sides that we are really close to).
My parents have always been very active in our lives (I have 3 siblings). My parents still go camping at least everyother weekend in the summer months, and card or movie nights with friends or family at least as often the rest of the year. Which me and my H participate in at least twice a month. (He loves it just as much as I do.)
His family on the other hand is smaller. ( they have no contact with his dads family, and his mothers is only about 20 people) They are not very involved in each others lives at all. (other then christmas eve, weddings, showers (bridal and baby) they never see much of each other.) My mil does how ever want to spend every waking moment with her grand children. (doesn't care much for her children) Now as me and my H don't have any children this doesn't bug me to much. The one thing that is bugging me about my MIL is the comments I get from her in regards to my family. As both my H and I prefer to spend time with my family we do not accept a lot of her invitations to come over for dinner or to "hang out" for the evening. As all the do is watch tv and neither me or my H like watching tv much.
My mil is constently calling and complaining about us not coming over because we have plans with my family, or we can't make it for other reasons. This is driving me nuts because she just doesn't listen to reason with either of us. My H does most of the talking as it is his mother but she still shows up at our place the day she wants us to come over to see if we actually have plans or not.
She is just plain driving me nuts. I can't even imagine what will happen when we have children. (we have just decided to start trying)
Re: MIL issues...
Honestly, I understand a lot of your MIL's hurt and anger. Take a step back & re-read your post, it screams my family is sooooo much better than hers!
It's great that your parents are so social and that you & your H enjoy their company but that doesn't make his family wrong for being smaller or less social than yours.
You contradict yourself in your post- you say she only wants to spend time with her grandchildren, not her children, then you say that she asks the two of you to do things a lot & you decline- which is it? Why not make an effort to do things with her that you will enjoy?
Regardless, if she is just complaining on the phone change the subject or get off the phone. Showing up at your home unannounced is not right and your H needs to have a talk with her and put a stop to that.
Exactly this. Re-read your post. There's a whole lot about how awesome your family is, blah, blah, blah and then you do contradict yourself. I agree, she should not show up unannounced, but maybe she is feeling desperate. How about inviting her to some of the stuff you guys do with your family? Or how about you guys making plans and inviting her, since you don't like to sit and watch tv at her house, etc.
Thank you for your reply.
I did reread my post and you are right I guess it does sound like I think my family is better then hers. But that is not the way I feel. I do like spending time with them, its just that the only thing they ever do is watch tv which is nice every once in a while but I feel like they just turn on the tv and that's it. They do not want to talk while watching tv and it just seems like that is something I could do on my own and it would feel the same. Me and my H are active people, we do not have cable, and we rarely even turn our tv on. They just never want to do anything else.
In regard to the contradiction, I did not make myself very clear. They do ask us over alot but when we are there and the tv is not on, they ignore us and only want to spend time with there granchildren.
But after reading your repy I am going to talk to my H and see if we can try and invite his family over to our house more often. That way we can try and get them to do something other then watch tv. Even if it is just sitting outside enjoying the outdoors.
You do sound like you really want to try:) Also, let's be honest, we all have family members, sides of families that we may 'like' more or get along better with. For example, my H has a much better time with my dad and his side of the family than he does my mom. He sucks it up and comes for me, but I also give him a lot of breaks and do stuff alone with my family. It can be hard to find a balance.
I feel for you. I really really do. We see my parents at least once a week. But I haven't see my MIL since December.
Quite frankly...she scares the crap out of me lol.
This sounds almost like mine and DH's family. DH's family is super social and very warm and welcoming. There was a time when almost every weekend there was an event going on with his family, mother or father's side. My friends used to be shocked that we weren't busy with a family event. My family, on the other hand, is somewhat the opposite. I didn't grow up in a very warm and loving family. Most of my mom's side isn't local and we're not that close to them anyways. My dad's side is more local but I didn't bond with them as well while growing up so we're just now barely making up for that but it's still a bit relegated to major holidays. Because I grew up in a family that wasn't very warm and loving I'm never comfortable just sitting there and having a conversation with them.
So when we do come over to visit my parents it usually does consist of TV watching or DH will talk to my dad about computers. Sure, it's boring and we're not actually having a real convo with them, but to my mom, our physical presence is all that matters to her. We could've been there for 2 hours just watching TV or playing on the Wii with my sister (who still lives there) without saying one word to my mom and she would be absolutely happy. Weird, I know, but that's how they work.
My point is, it may be boring but if that's their comfort zone or how they view "quality time" just suck it up every now and then and watch some TV. Bring a movie or a board game over if it'll make it better.
First of all, congrats on TTC!!
I went through somewhat of a 'culture shock' too when DH and I met. I have always been super close to my family but DH hasn't really been close to his parents. At first it boggled my mind that someone would go a month without talking to their parents, but the more we got to know each other the more I began to understand and accept that his family did not operate the same as mine, but it works for them. I stopped trying to push how I thought things should be done and started trying to find how I would work in with how they do things.
I understand your frustration, but instead of trying to impact the way his family has functioned for years, I would focus on 1) being involved with them when you can while staying sane lol and 2) figure out the balance of how you and your H want to create your own family dynamic. You can't change the past, but you can choose how you and your H want to move forward with your own family.
To the above, though - this stood out to me. My advice? Stop trying to 'explain' things to her. The less you tell her, the less she can argue and question you. She wants you to come over and you have plans? "Sorry Mom, Saturday doesn't work.". period. Sure, she'll ask "why?" and DH needs to say "We're busy". Doing what? "Mom- we're busy and we won't be able to come over for dinner".
She shows up to see if you have plans? All you/ DH need to say is "yes, we have plans".. Why are you still here? "Because we haven't left yet".
Dont' try to "reason" w/ her. It doesn't work!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My family is exactly like his family. My mother was the only surviving sibling in her family and moved to this country around high school. My father was part of a larger family with roots in his small northern hometown that went back three generations. They both met at an out of state college, and then moved across the country when my mother's father took ill and the best place for him, medically, was in FL. This is where they set up home, and raised me. The only relatives I knew were the two grandparents here, until one passed away. For whatever reason, my parents purchased a home in an isolated area, so there were no neighbors to get to know (and no-one for me to befriend). They were both work-a-holics with "work" friends, but nothing that extended beyond the office itself. I was bussed, and not allowed to join outside high-school activities by my folks. It was by chance that my husband and I met - he recognized me from highschool on one of his trips back home from college and sought me out. His extended family had an isolating way about themselves (abuse and dysfunction had them cut out extended family), but had lots of kids.
We pretty much repeated the patterns of our parents, though we tried. We just are a bit socially shy I guess, and our lives were pretty filled being demanded upon by my parents who demanded every free or holiday moment be taken up with them. We felt obligated as we were their only family. That helped to isolate us further.
Our eldest daughter, now 21, is soon to be engaged to a very large family with very active extended family. There are something like six siblings altogether, and everything is celebrated. Our daughter, naturally, would like to be with them more than us though I know love for us is there. Still, it does hurt that everything is taken up and that I just can't compete with an equal amount of happy-fun time family reunion type stimulation. It's not that we want to do nothing (like your sitting on the couch complaint) but the obvious comparison is taking place, and body language and stamina just isn't there from her, which is deflating, too, making an already saddish get together even more depressing.
It would be nice, since we are supposed to be, or going to be "family" if we were included in the larger group even, if nothing else to not have to miss our own daughter on the celebrations. We've extended to the other family, but you know...we're not family so... Right now, I'm just remembering that it was "me" not so long ago, who wanted to reduce time with my family so that I could feel free-er. That helps me not feel so hurt, or dwell on things completely. I can imagine some pangs of jealousy happening when grandchildren come where our home is seen as a chore and reinforced by the countenance of my adult child. I know the saddest thing I'm dreading is the wedding. Our side might have five people (including her sibling and parents) and his side, easily will have 50 just in close relations, but more than double that with those out of town who could come and then again with friends of the groom.
I think your visits to their home, or you inviting them to your own or to your extended family celebrations are what you make of it. I don't think it would be a fair thing to complain about their wanting to be around their kids and especially their grandkids, and a bit of an effort to liven things up would likely be appreciated greatly.
What SueBear said in spades.
Make it a TV Show night. And make it special. Special dinner, special dessert and even a special name.
And rotate it between their house and your house.
And try to make it somehting that you rarely, if ever, cancel on them. Yes, its one night a week, but if its in the middle of the week and something you are already watching....you get your weekends free while making his mother happy.
I agree with most of the other posts so I'm not going to repeat that stuff.
But why not bring over a board game or something else that would get everyone away from the tv when you visit and socializing a little more. After dinner maybe H can suggest that everyone go for a walk or play bocce ball (maybe they're watching tv because they don't know how else to entertain ppl)
Ditto EastCoast - you don't need to tell MIL that you are not free to spend time with her because you're with your own family. Or just mention offhand that you will be visiting your family on a future date.
"We have plans" is sufficient. You don't need to explain any further than that. If she's going to keep a mental tally of visits with her vs. visits with your family, then don't feed into that nonsense by giving her the score.
Also, I feel you on the frustration of an in-law who does nothing but watch television. I completely understand - it's mind-numbing and a HUGE waste of time. But it won't kill you to put up with it once every week or two, and like PPs said you can make it more interesting ... do a movie night, use Netflix to catch up on a TV series you've never seen, or bring some snacks (maybe do a popcorn buffet, prepare some interesting hors d'oeuvres, sample different kinds of wine or beer, make or order a different culture's food during each visit to try something new).