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Lost (long sorry)
My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary and when we went on our honeymoon, my younger sister had watched our dog/apartment. A few months later we realized all of our jewelry was gone and she had pawned it for drug money. Needless to say, she went to rehab and now claims she's sober although I do not believe her since she still acts the same way and has made no attempt to build a relationship with me.My husband and I told her we wanted her to give us $500 to reimburse us for some of the jewelry as a i'm sorry and really mean it. Needless to say she always has an excuse why she doesn't have money...
My parents are divorced but they are both enablers to her, she moved back home after relapsing (rather than going back and getting help at rehab) so she's living with my dad and mom fixed her car for her. Neither of them have given her a drug test and I told her I am finished with her since when we had our "intervention" she did not do what we told her we needed her to. My older sister feels the same way as I do.
So the big problem is the tension it has put my husband and I through. Whenever I mention my dad he just calls him an idiot for my sister which i understand why he says this but enough is enough. I don't need to hear it every time and he is still my father and we have a close relationship. I just hate what my sister has done to my family and I feel like my husband and I are constantly arguing over her and i hate it. I feel like it's pulling us apart.
Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?
Re: Lost (long sorry)
First, Al-anon and/or counseling for yourself just to help you cope with having a family member who is an addict.
Second, you need to tell your husband to STFU. Unless your dad is proactively trying to rope the two of you into enabling your sister, his relationship with your sister is none of your business and it's absolutely unacceptable for your husband to keep calling him an idiot and arguing with you for wanting to maintain your own independent relationship with your dad.
Are you bringing up your sister when you talk about your dad "dad just fixed sisters car" and your husband bashes him or is it a "Dad just bought a pumpkin for himself" and your husband bashes him?
If it's the first, then just stop bringing it up, if it's the 2nd then I'd have a good sit down with your husband explaining to him that you agree with some of his points whole heartedly and that's why you have cut your sister out of your life but that your parents decision has also already been made and even though you might not agree with it they're still your parents and so you just want to focus on YOUR relationship with them instead of your sisters relationship with them. Let him know how you feel about his comments.
Another vote for counseling to help you deal with the enabler and addiction cycles in your family.
I agree: AlAnon for the both of you.
The jury is out whether she is indeed under the care of AA and a sponsor and/or a drug and alcohol counselor. And I'm suprised that she isn't living in a halfway house until she is ready enough to live on her own.
I would tell SIs that unlesss she can prove that she is in recovery under the proper circumstances, you and your H will have no contact with her until she does so and she can prove she has been clean and sober for a good long while.
Another hard lesson learned: you might consider gettting a safety deposit box for your valubles. One never knows. Sorry for your troubles.
Definitely look into Al-Anon and counseling for the two of you. Or go by yourself, if your husband won't go.
As for your husband talking about your father, cut him off and firmly say, "Stop it. I agree that he's an enabler to Sister, but he's my dad and I love him. You saying these things about him is not helping the situation. It upsets me to hear you say those things and I want you to stop it."
So the big problem is the tension it has put my husband and I through. Whenever I mention my dad he just calls him an idiot for my sister which i understand why he says this but enough is enough. I don't need to hear it every time and he is still my father and we have a close relationship. I just hate what my sister has done to my family and I feel like my husband and I are constantly arguing over her and i hate it. I feel like it's pulling us apart.
My H did this kind of thing with my mom and twin sister. I told him to stop (more than a year and a half ago) and there hasn't been mention of it since. So have you discussed this with your H?