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Guilty Mother (a little long)
Hi, this is my first time posting, I'm a lurker usually. I have a problem that I really can't get over. I'm married and have 2 kids, a six year old son and an 18 month old daughter.
My son is not by my husband, his biological father wanted nothing to do with us. So after he was born, I was alone. My parents have mental issues and I'm an only child, so I had absolutely no help at all. Due to severe problems with my parents, I moved into my own apartment when my son was 4 months old.
For those of you that have been single parents, you know how hard it is. I had to work full time, come back home and do everything with no one to help me. I was so frustrated. I was single for 2 1/2 years before I met my husband.
My problem is that I was horrible to my son out of frustration. I would blow up over anything and everything he did. Example: when he was 6 months old, I was trying to feed him baby food. He spit it out and I banged on his highchair tray and yelled at him. I was always screaming at him. My boyfriend at the time told me to treat my son nicer because one day I would regret it.
This went on until I met my husband. But now I realize my ex boyfriend was right. I do regret my behavior. My son turned 6 today and I was thinking about how I treated him in his younger years. I feel horrible. My son is the sweetest boy but he is very timid and sensitive. I believe I caused him to be that way. I didn't treat him good when he needed me the most. And I can never get those years back.
I'm trying to make it up and be the best mother to him and my daughter, but I think the damage may be done with my sweet son. I don't know if I should get him counseling or if I should go myself to overcome this guilt.
Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give me.
Re: Guilty Mother (a little long)
I would definitely seek counseling to deal with your own feelings of guilt and to make sure you don't repeat the pattern in the future.
It would also not be a bad idea to have your son see a child psychologist just to see if there is anything he needs to talk about or any potential issues that need to be addressed now.
The main thing you need to keep in mind is that what is done is done, and you can only now focus on how to make sure you are a better parent now and in the future.
You pretty much described my childhood, except that my parents were married. Short version - I choose not to have a relationship with my father and what I do have with my mother is strained by the fact that she allowed this type of behavior. My sister is like your DD, in the sense that my parents wanted her and could afford a child. The end result is that I spent all of my childhood hating and resenting her.
Your son is still young; it's not too late. He needs to go to a counselor, you need to go to a counselor and you probably should have some group sessions. You can't change what is done, but you can take responsibility for it and work hard going forward.
Good luck to you and your family.
I definately agree that counseling is in order. It will be helpful for you to stop feeling guilty and move forward, and for your ds to feel able to talk about any feelings of inadeqacy, fear, etc. that stem from his early childhood. Also, if there is a way to apologize, a counselor can provide you with tools to do it the right way and at the correct time (in a way he can understand).
However, it is not too late! You can't erase the past, you can only move forward. A HUGE plus is that you recognize how you were wrong, and now want to correct things. This is really positive!
In the meantime, you can start by praising your son for the achievements he makes, or even for his efforts. Let him know how special he is to you - how he is different and unique. Spend time one on one with him. Also remember - - disciplining your children is a form of love. While you may have been too hard on your son while he was younger, you would be making a mistake to be too easy on him to counter his early childhood. The best parents I see now that dd is in 4th grade often have rules for their kids. You need to find that balance.
There was a book / program called S.T.E.P (not like step-children by marriage, but the letters all stood for something). The program is big on disciplining by natural consequences (ie child doesn''t pick up toys, toys are put away for 24 hours). You might check out the program or the book.
Also, many boys are shy, esp when they are your son's age. My son is shy, and I am married, and not much of a yeller at all (occasionally, but not out of the ordinary). Other moms of boys told me their sons grew out of their shyness - when they were in third grade! So you might not be the only source of his shyness after all.