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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Uncomfortable in my own house..
Help! My BFs parents and younger brother are visiting. For a week. Now I have a great relationship with all of them and was very happy to have them here- but I think they might be a little too comfortable. Maybe not all of them, but definitely his mom. I really don't mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful but she did some of my laundry and I'm pissed. His parents are very Christian, and even though we've been dating for 3 years and have lived together for a year and a half, his mom-if not both of them- I'm sure likes to pretend we don't have sex. That makes things incredibly weird for me when she's washing my bras and thongs. I realize she's trying to help and has no malicious intentions, but I am all about personal space. When my BF and I aren't home, our bedroom shouldn't entered. I've decided not to say anything because I feel no matter how politely I put it, she'd get offended. Also, this is the last time they will be staying with us because we decided to move back to our home state. I think its absolutely the right decision not to say anything but I'm still really annoyed! Am i being a ***?
Re: Uncomfortable in my own house..
I truly don't understand why anyone would think it's ok to go into someones bedroom and get their laundry and then wash it. This escapes me.
So, I understand your annoyance.
If you are moving back "home", though, my recommendation is to NOT give your IL's a key to your home. If your MIL will do this - I can easiliy see them also being the kind to come over unannounced and/or come in when you aren't there. To do something to somehow "help".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
if they're staying at your house they have to stay on your rules.
thank her for doing your laundry-ask her not to do it again. if she asks why tell her that you're uncomfortable about it and you dont want her to do it again. be honest.
do you knwo they've been in your bedroom or are you just guessing?
they can pretend whatever they want-it has absolutely no bearing on you.
"Thanks so much for thinking of me and doing my laundry! However, I'd feel much more comfortable if you just left it for me to do in the future."
Yes I would be annoyed, and if she did stay longer or come visit again I would say something. "MIL I realize that you're trying to help by doing my laundry and I appreciate the thought but I'm really uncomfortable about having other people do these kinds of things for me, I would rather the door just be left closed to our room. Just enjoy yourself when you're over, I'll take care of the cleaning.
If you don't want to say something then I'd suggest you get a lock for your bedroom door.
Dude, keep your laundry away from her, even if you have to take the laundry, put it al in a mesh bag and lock it in a closet. Wow, how intrusive.
Sticking up for your rights will help, too. And so will a lock for your bedroom door; tons of home improvement stores carry them; they are easy to install.
The whole thing is very weird. I would never have put myself into the situation to begin with.
Gosh, not even my mother would've gone into our house and done laundry.
I can't figure out why anyone would WANT to do someone else's laundry! I don't even like doing my own!
I think that's a big part of the reason why I'm freaking out. My mom hasn't been down here yet but we are trying to put something together. When its discussed she talks about getting a hotel so she doesn't get in our way. We obv were raised totally differently and I like my space.
LOL to this!
I have to say, you need to speak out when you are unhappy with what your MIL does. If you communicate effectively, and she is a reasonable person, as long as you use *I* statements ("I realize you how helpful it is to have a guest do laundry, however it makes me uncomfortable when someone besides me launders my undergarments." or "Thank you so much for offering, but I am very particular about how I wash my things. Please relax during your stay here - - I feel terrible about a guest being "put to work" in my house!") she shouldn't be offended.
If she is the type who needs something useful to do (and there is nothing wrong with that, it is just "different") - maybe she can help with gardening, knit a scarf for you, sort through old photographs and label dh's family on them.
The next morning, she came into our bedroom (while we were still in bed) to let out our new puppy. I get that's she an early riser and wanted us to sleep instead of getting up with the dog, but the fact that she just walked in and didn't knock was pretty intrusive.
During the summer, we were staying at their house in my DH's old room. I woke up to find my MIL in our room, without knocking, rubbing my husband's back!!! I was beyond mortified! We ended up having a long talk about it before we left that weekend. Now when we they come here, we lock our bedroom door (and I clean well before they arrive). When we go visit them, we stay with my SIL and BIL or make sure to lock the door to protect our privacy!
My advice is that it will only fester unless you make changes. I let it go the first time and made a point to lock the door. When it continued my DH and I had to sit down with his mom and explain that although his family is very open, I didn't grow up that way and needed them to respect my privacy and my relationship with my husband. Good luck to you!
Baby E born: 2/16/2014 at 12:56pm. 5lb 15oz
I would say something to her before they leave, because even though you are moving, it is possible they will visit again in the future, especially if/when you get married, have children, etc.
Tell her how much you enjoyed her visit, and explain, nicely, that you prefer to do your own household chores, cook/clean, etc.......fill in the rest as you please. So what if she gets offended? Hand her a box of tissues and tell her to deal with it. It is your house. End of story. You have a right to your personal space and your privacy.
I cannot remember a time that my parents visited that my mom took it upon herself to do the laundry or clean for me. She has offered to cook, which I accepted gratefully, but she never pushed the issue.
Hi. I SO understand you. Can I, please add something?
The same happened to me! I politely said "No honey, it's ok, you are our guest and I'd rather you not doing work here.. just relax and enjoy your vacation..."
Thought that might work? well, my mother in law's reply: "Aw, so, when I come over and help with the baby It will not be work? You alrealdy said i could help with the baby... and besides my other daughther in law lets me do work in her home...!"
Ok now we both need advice here..
I've always been really weird about other people doing my laundry, and have done my own since I was able to. I have NO idea why, I just am. It's a quirk. This is how it would play out:
Me: "Oh my gosh, did you do a load of my laundry? Oh wow, that is SO thoughtful of you! (giggle) But... I have the weirdest quirk about other people touching my dirty clothes, it makes me feel so embarrassed! Isn't that weird? I just can't help it!"
DH: "Yeah she does, she won't even let me do the laundry! Isn't that crazy?"
DH would probably catch on and back me up automatically, but if you need to talk to your hubby about feeling weird ahead of time, do so. I know on my own MIL (who is not my biggest fan, btw), this would probably work. Just feign total cutesy shyness, make it all about your own crazy quirks, and hopefully she'll get a clue!
"I am not (insert other SILs name here). I don't want my visitors (mopping the floors, doing my laundry, etc). It makes me feel uncomfortable."
"The minute you feel like taking care of the baby is more work than pleasure, you can pass her on to me and DH."
(I heard a 3-yr old recently say to please close the bathroom door. He said needed some privacy.)
I agree. One time and make changes so there is not a second time. I like the privacy comment. It will work for lots of things. We are locking the bedroom door because we need some privacy. Please stay out of my stuff because I need privacy. and hold your ground. NO, I need privacy.
Good luck. Hopefully the issue is settled for now. and remember that next time they visit to remind them of your privacy issues/rules/needs and what you would love them help with and what they need to stay out of. They sound like they like to do things, so plan ahead and have some projects they can do.