Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
feeling a little helpless
So my husband and I are newly married, and we waited to have sex until we were married (both of us). We've been married for about 2 months and I can count on one half of a hand how many times we've semi-successfully had sex, meaning, he's finished. There are a couple of issues I'm struggling with. I've made and appointment to go to the GYN but I need to vent a little bit here.
- it hurts very badly. It feels as though he is stretching me out and he can tell I am tight. Each time we have had sex he can barely go in at all.
- I am so d@mn worried about it hurting that sex just sucks. I'd rather go grocery shopping. or vaccuum. I have been totally honest with him, I just feel horrible that every time he wants to try I'm thinking "oh God, not again, great.. another chance to be in pain"
I am just super frustrated that's all. I feel like I need somewhere to vent because I have no female friends and so I don't have anyone I can talk to about this besides a doctor, and I just need to get it off my chest to someone else besides my H. He's been great and understanding, it just really sucks. That's all. Thanks for listening.
Re: feeling a little helpless
One thing that stinks the most is when you want to have a little fun you are so worried about the pain and what is about to happen you get more stressed. Try a glass of wine before hand if you drink and try to relax. I know it sounds easier than it is. Another thing that can help is try some ky. It will make it easier for both of you and once you realize after a little bit is does not hurt as much your body will relax. Then you will eventually start to enjoy it and not want to got grocery shopping.
It is never fun when it hurts but he understands and loves you and would not want this to be a painful experience.
Trust me it WILL get better. I waited, too and it does stink waiting to have sex and when you finally have it with your husband it hurts. I HAVE to use lube. Don't feel ashamed to buy it. It helps sooooo much. Being newly devirginized does have its perks because you'll get to learn about sex with your husband but the pain is a draw back. Trying to get to a point where you don't think about the pain first is big. I anticipated the pain every time and it made it that much more painful. It's also difficult to get wet when you're anticipating things to be painful so that's where the lube comes in to help. Go together to find a lube that you'll both enjoy. My husband and I love Wet Platinum. It lasts a long time and is very slippery. KY silk is good, too. You can buy them at the grocery store or the pharmacy.
Possibly try out the more natural ones that are water based first like the KY silk and Wet Natural then when you want to start feeling adventurous try new things. You may even want to visit an Adult Store together. That helps you find things you'd be interested in and maybe even products that are interesting. A word of advice if you go there. Be leery of a lot of the topical things to keep your hubby hard. It may numb him so much he won't feel anything.
If you're a little weird about using lube maybe try getting excited and relaxed about sex before you guys go to bed. Take a warm bath. Light some candles. Put on some lotion or something that will help you feel smooth. Then put on something sexy that will help you feel sexy and sensual. Create a sexy atmosphere. Maybe play some music and give each other massages first. Also, I don't know how spiritual you are but pray about it. I did. It helped. You may feel pain at the beginning of sex for a while but as time goes on it gets better. The pain goes away. It still hurts a little after a time that we don't have sex. Like if we wait a week or so between times. I hope this helps. You're not strange or anything. You're not alone. Many newlyweds experience this, too.
Trust me it WILL get better. I waited, too and it does stink waiting to have sex and when you finally have it with your husband it hurts. I HAVE to use lube. Don't feel ashamed to buy it. It helps sooooo much. Being newly devirginized does have its perks because you'll get to learn about sex with your husband but the pain is a draw back. Trying to get to a point where you don't think about the pain first is big. I anticipated the pain every time and it made it that much more painful. It's also difficult to get wet when you're anticipating things to be painful so that's where the lube comes in to help. Go together to find a lube that you'll both enjoy. My husband and I love Wet Platinum. It lasts a long time and is very slippery. KY silk is good, too. You can buy them at the grocery store or the pharmacy.
Possibly try out the more natural ones that are water based first like the KY silk and Wet Natural then when you want to start feeling adventurous try new things. You may even want to visit an Adult Store together. That helps you find things you'd be interested in and maybe even products that are interesting. A word of advice if you go there. Be leery of a lot of the topical things to keep your hubby hard. It may numb him so much he won't feel anything.
If you're a little weird about using lube maybe try getting excited and relaxed about sex before you guys go to bed. Take a warm bath. Light some candles. Put on some lotion or something that will help you feel smooth. Then put on something sexy that will help you feel sexy and sensual. Create a sexy atmosphere. Maybe play some music and give each other massages first. Also, I don't know how spiritual you are but pray about it. I did. It helped. You may feel pain at the beginning of sex for a while but as time goes on it gets better. The pain goes away. It still hurts a little after a time that we don't have sex. Like if we wait a week or so between times. I hope this helps. You're not strange or anything. You're not alone. Many newlyweds experience this, too.
I am glad that you are going to see your ob-gyn. You may not have a completely broken hymen. If that is the cause, a simple in-office procedure can solve the problem.
What are you using for birth control?
So my husband and I are newly married, and we waited to have sex until we were married (both of us). We've been married for about 2 months and I can count on one half of a hand how many times we've semi-successfully had sex, meaning, he's finished. There are a couple of issues I'm struggling with. I've made and appointment to go to the GYN but I need to vent a little bit here.
- it hurts very badly. It feels as though he is stretching me out and he can tell I am tight. Each time we have had sex he can barely go in at all.
See your gyn asap.
You could have a microperforate hymen, meaning your hymen is still intact and penetration is nigh impossible. Hymens can be removed surgically.
It could also be possible you have vaginisimus or interstitial cystitis. Again, you need a gyn's diagnosis to find out what's happening down below.
- I am so d@mn worried about it hurting that sex just sucks. I'd rather go grocery shopping. or vaccuum. I have been totally honest with him, I just feel horrible that every time he wants to try I'm thinking "oh God, not again, great.. another chance to be in pain"
What you need to do:
Sit down and openly and frankly discuss your sexual problems with your H. You and he need to work on this together; he needs to undestand that there's either a physical and/or psychological reason for what's happening. I'm pretty sure he'll understand.
I am just super frustrated that's all. I feel like I need somewhere to vent because I have no female friends and so I don't have anyone I can talk to about this besides a doctor, and I just need to get it off my chest to someone else besides my H. He's been great and understanding, it just really sucks. That's all. Thanks for listening.
Your problems are fixable. If they are not physical, they are psychological and in that case, you and he should jointly see a sex therapist together. GL.
If you are not happy with or comfortable with your gyn's opinion/diagnosis, get another one: you're the patient; this is your body and your sex life. Don't let hi poo poo it or just say, "Well all you need is just some more lube and to take it slow blah blah" -- if there's pain and penetraion isn't happening, there's either a psychological or physical problem.
Sorry, the Nest put up my post before I was done...
Stop having intercourse. Take vaginal intercourse off the table. Make out, rub up against each other, have oral sex -- have orgasms together - but no penetration. I think that when you remove that option (and the stress and anxiety that has sprung up around this), you will find pleasure with each other. Then, after several weeks of experiencing orgasms together and associating intimacy with arousal and excitement (and ruling out any medical causes), you may find that intercourse is not the unpleasant experience it was.
We waited until our wedding too and it was difficult at first but it DID get better. Be open with your DH about it, communication is key. I also think talking to you GYN will be a good idea. Also, KY is your friend.
Good luck!
Married August 2009
3 years. 5 losses.
Our rainbow baby boy born 11.16.15
This! I'm newly married and a was virgin as well! I was diagnosised with vaginismus,have you looked into that at all? Your symptoms sound similar. My husband and I cut back on the inrercourse and tried doing what this poster said. Enjoy each other in other ways, get excited and have fun! It takes off so much pressure and makes intimacy enjoyable. We have also tried (sorry if this is tmi!) using his fingers and a bullet vibrator (my mom and dad got us a goody bag..... lol) to help get used to pain free penetration. From that we are moving up in size til we reach penis size! Lol. But seriously, we've been doing this for a few weeks and I can already tell a difference! Just relax and talk to your hubby about how you feel. I really struggled with discouragement for the first few weeks of our marriage, but girl it isn't worth it and it makes things worse. Just know you aren't alone, a lot of us are dealing with this too, and many of us successfully! You aren't broken! Things can get better
and, by the way, we have sex regularly now and it is pretty great with no pain!
This sounds like me 2 years ago. I know how incredibly frustrating it can be and I'm sorry you're going through this.
- Is other penetration painful? Can you insert tampons, have GYN examinations, be fingered? If you can't do these things or can't do them without a lot of pain, you may have a micro-perforate hymen or vaginismus.
- You need to see your GYN, and don't take "no" or "nothing's wrong" for an answer. It's not normal for sex to be that painful for this long. Your GYN can help you with physical therapy-type exercises to strengthen your control over your Kegel muscles. I've been using dilators for the past 2 years and it's helped my sex life IMMENSELY. If you feel like it's psychological then a therapist or sex therapist could help too - you can go alone or with your H.
- Also, lube is your best friend. Buy something you like and be sure to always use it. If you're nervous about pain you're probably not going to be wet or relaxed enough.
Good luck with everything!