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Need to vent
So DH is getting out of the navy and has been actively looking for a job. He found one and it's here in Connecticut. So we won't be moving back home to Indiana like we thought.
We broke the news to our families.
My mom was mad at me for a couple days, but began talking to me again regarding the casey anthony trial. She says she understands we are doing what is best for our family.
SIL messaged me on face book telling me how she is so disappointed. How can I not get him to change his mind. She's been waiting for 12 years for her brother to come home and she's missing her nephew. I explained that I'm upset everyone misses out on our son, but DH job is nationwide and if he can get something closer he will relocate. She just said she's still disappointed.
Last night I thanked DH grandmother for the card she sent us. She told me good luck finding a place to live then says this:
- I think it is easier when your younger, but at my age and dale being gone all those years I just felt sad.., and I know now I will never get to know Kody any more than I know matt
- I will get over it ..I just have to fill my life with other things
- I should be used to it..my dad took my sister away when she was 3, when she died I cried cause I knew at that point I would never have the sister I had always missed and wanted..She never came back here to live..and I spent years going to see her ..I still miss what could have beenUgh, I'm so done. I don't know what to say or do. I feel i'm wrong with everything. Are we being selfish? I'm tired of feeling guilty.Sorry for the vent. Just feel I have enough on my plate...
Re: Need to vent
Deb, first of all, I was to say I'm sorry your families are giving you a hard time. I hope they begin supporting you soon.
That being said, I think that doing what is best for you and YOUR family is what comes first (meaning you and your H)...so, NO you are not being selfish. In this economy, he needs to take the job he can get. Your families need to understand that just because your moving back home doesn't happen immediately, it doesn't mean it can't happen at a later date (as you explained above).
I think right now everyone is just initially in shock - especially if you and your H have been trying/wanting to move home for a long period of time and others have had time to get used to that idea. However, that's no excuse for them to not be supportive of what you need to do right now.
That's just my 2 cents. I know there was no real advice in there, but I wanted to let you know that I think you are doing the right thing, even if others are trying to make you feel bad about it.
ditto pp. Sometimes we have to make choices due to circumstances beyond our control. I hope that your families eventually comes to understand and support your choices that are in the best interest of your family.
Deb, DO NOT feel badly! You are doing what is best for YOUR family, and right now, that is staying where your DH can have a stable income. That is important for you two and for Kody.
Honestly, I think you are better off being up here in CT right now. Your families just sound toxic and trying to guilt you into doing something that may not be right for you at the moment. That is not a kind thing to do, and not something a caring, loving family should do.
People in all families act like this sometimes, we just have to ignore it and look past it. They will come around, and if they don't, then they don't really have a place in our lives.
***Sidenote: i had a *ahem* family member tell me i needed to start having kids now because my dad had died and i needed to have them while she was still alive and healthy. EXCUSE ME!?!?! (so all families are jerks sometimes. but they'll live. just do what's best for your IMMEDIATE family right now...you, Dale and Kody).
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What I want to know is - if it is your DH's job that's keeping you guys in CT, why does his family feel like they can attack you and try to make you feel guilty about this? It's not like you said, we're staying in CT and that's that. It was a decision that was best for your family at this time based on where there is a job for your DH. You didn't say you'd never move back. Have you talked to him about talking to his family at all?
ETA: Sorry if I sound snarky. My DH's family does this all the time - tries to go around DH to make me feel guilty about things - so I'm a little touchy about this subject. GL w/your situation!
Deb, this is NOT your fault! They are trying to guilt you because they think it will change things. You and your DH have to what is best for YOUR immediate family, not what is best for your extended family. If that means staying in CT so that your DH has a job, then that means staying in CT. I highly doubt that deep down, the family wants DH to be unemployed, and if they do, they're awful, selfish people.
Does your DH know what his grandmother and family has said to you? I know this is a stressful time, but it may be time to fill him in and have HIM get his family to back off.
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Thanks everyone for the support.
Yes DH was sitting next to me as I was crying receiving these messages from his grandmother last night. He told me their upset and trying to find the weak point thinking it will change. But he hasn't said anything to them.
Yeah I was kind of wondering the same thing, why are they going after me if it's DH job. I guess I'm the weaker one in their eyes and that I might change his mind. But if we moved home he wouldn't have a very stable job, he'd take a huge pay cut, end up working either 2nd shift or 3rd, so we'd never see each other.
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It is ok for them to feel sad, and dissapointed. It is good that they can express that to you, as a lot of families don't and usually just bi*ch to each other behind your back.
I know it's hard to hear, and you feel like it's a lot of stress. Hear them out, and let them know that you are sad and disappointing too, but at this time you have to make the decisions that are going to be best for your family. (you, DH, and son)
It's frustrating when adults behave like children. Maybe you should tell his family that, if they want to support you financially for the rest of your lives, you'll be happy to move home. (If they provide you a free place to live, of course).
Side note: His grandmother needs to learn to use the correct form of "your."
In all seriousness, it's nice that they want you to be closer geographically, and it's ok for them to be sad about it, but it's not ok to lay on a guilt trip about it. I'm sorry they are upsetting you.
I agree with everyone else here, this is not your fault and they are being ridiculous! You are doing what is best for your family and they are being selfish by thinking only of themselves and how this will affect them. Of course it is always hard when family moves away, but it's part of life. I'm sure you would rather be near the family if it would work out career-wise.
Stay strong, they will have to accept it!
Deb I'm so sorry!! I would try and avoid all those comments because it is the last thing you need to deal with. Hopefully now that they made their comments they have got it out of their systems and will stop. Keep your head up and like the others said, you gotta do what's best for your family! Who's to say he would find a job that easy in IN? He has one now, it makes sense! GL nestie vibes!