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a WWYD? situation
A friend of mine found out that earlier this week her MIL left her almost 4 year old DS in the car while she went into Kroger for a couple of things. (on the way to return the child home) She said, "He didn't want to go into the store with me." My friend is naturally livid and now seriously questions her MIL's judgement and grandparenting skills. Her DS spends at least one night per week at the MIL's house and there has never been a situation before like this where she put him in potential danger. It was in the middle of the afternoon and her DS was hysterical when the MIL returned to the car. The DH talked to her about it and tried to get the point across how dangerous this situation was, etc. They're not sure she really gets it though. My friend is not comfortable with MIL caring for her DS anymore until she has some kind of reassurance that it won't happen again and that she'll use better judgement, etc. On a message board she posts on, my friend got advice ranging from "never let her be alone with your DS again," to "Give her some current parenting literature and/or try to get her into a caregivers class at the YMCA."
I really don't know how I would handle the situation. I wouldn't want to not let my child be alone with his grandmother who he is close to, but on the otherhand I'd worry that she might put him in danger again.
Re: a WWYD? situation
Her mentality is probably like my parent's was 20+ years ago. We stayed in the cars all the time....with no air. However, I know times are different and 4 is WAY too young to even consider it. Maybe a teenager or junior high student but that is it. Poor thing
Until grandma gets into her head that it is not acceptable, I would not let her go over there just to get the point across that they are that serious. I would also find some previous stories online or articles for her to read about what has happened to kids in the past that have been left in cars to get it in her head. How is a 4 year old going to tell an adult "I don't want to go in" and the adult just says "ok"? That makes no sense.
Her MIL is lucky a bystander didn't call the police. I believe that's a serious charge with her being arrested on the spot.
I would be livid and advice like "oh that's just her mindset" would not fly over with me.
That being said, I would most likely never let MIL take my child anywhere in the car.
A 4 year old should not be setting the rules.
This was exactly my response! Who lets a 4 year old make decisions like that?
i am livid and i dont know your friend.
if i were her i would send grandma a stack of articles on kids who were kidnapped and died in hot cars.
i also would NOT allow the child alone with grandma again until i got a huge profuse apology and some reassurance that she understands the risk she put the kid in. his relationship with her is important but can be cultivated with supervision. his safety is top priority.
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
People make mistakes. That's what forgiveness is for. Not that the interwebs is familiar with the word forgiveness.
They should convey that their preference is not to leave the child alone and ask her to respect that. On the other hand if they parents expect grandma to respect their wishes they need to respect grandma.
She's not an idiot, she has raised children and all the "let's educate grandma" stuff is just going to upset her. It comes off as, well she does it different because she just doesn't understand. If I explain it to her like a small, illiterate child, with supporting documentation then she'll get it. Nope it's just insulting and in the end weakens their position. Doesn't matter why they don't want the child left alone - no need to justify. Treat her like an adult and state your wishes like adults and theoretically all should be good (the exception is crazy people like my IL's).
My personal opinion is the fact that the child was upset when she got back to the car probably means it won't happen again even without the parental interference. And I'd bet the kid wouldn't want to stay in the car next time either.
My first thought was that I'd call the cops on her myself!
But in reality I probably wouldn't.
On the other hand, I wouldn't trust her to have my child for an afternoon, let alone an overnight. She is absolutely right to question her MIL's judgement. MIL was returning the kid. So she could have gone to Kroger afterwards by herself. Without risking her grandchild's life.
I don't think I could leave my child with her again until I felt she really understood why it was wrong. And sorry, but it was wrong 20 or 30 years ago too. Do they live in this area? It was what, 99 deg every day this week? It takes FIVE MINUTES for the inside of a car to rise 30 degrees above the outside temp. In 5 minutes it was 129 degrees in that car.
I can't speak for everyone on here, but I will say that I think a large part of the uproar is that the MIL left the 4 year old in a car, by himself, I'm assuming with no a/c running, IN THE SUMMER, IN HOUSTON. I'm sorry, but that is absolutely unacceptable and does not deserve a "slap on the wrist", so to speak. That child could have VERY easily died. I cannot even fathom leaving my young child in the car like that to run into a store for a few things.
Even in winter, I would have been furious because kidnapping would still be a HUGE concern for me. Hello, anyone could break in a window and take that child in five seconds.
But in Houston's summer heat? Hell.To.The.No.
She'd be getting an ass-chewing from me. To me, that is not just a "mistake". That is laziness and stupidity.
Also, the whole "she raised children; she's not an idiot" thing doesn't hold water for me. Just because you raised kids doesn't mean you're not an idiot. Plenty of people have kids and shouldn't ever reproduce (not implying that this woman shouldn't have; I'm just saying that raising kids doesn't make you a genius, sane, or capable of doing it).
I'm kinda with Neeps here. She made a mistake. I can see where all the outrage call the cops is coming from, but she is family, and I am never one to burn bridges with family.
How do they know she didn't understand? She is a grown woman and hopefully she understands the wishes of her children and won't do it again.
This was here locally, so the heat was a major issue.
She was picking up stuff at the store to bring to a BBQ at my friend's house.
cccswife hit the nail on the head for me. SAFETY. she put the kid's life at risk.
not saying that cannot be forgiven and she should be ostracized, but if it burns a bridge with grandma that i dont trust her after she put my kid's life at risk, that bridge will be burned by her, not me.
what i dont have a clear understanding of here is how they found out. was the kid still hysterical when they got to the bbq, or did grandma outright confess it? how grandma addressed it when it came to light would tremendously impact my impression of whether she 'gets it.' and if she tried to poo poo the significance of the risk, THAT is when i would give her some articles that showed what could happen. either that or i would ask grandma to wait in the car with me while dh and kid went inside for ten or so minutes so she could feel what it is like to sit in the hotashell car.
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
This was my thought exactly.
I just can't buy the "she made a mistake" thing. A mistake is forgetting the child is in the car (not condoning this), not "Well he didn't want to go in, so I just left him there." In my eyes, that is no mistake to a grown woman. She obviously contemplated that he was there - IMO, she should have said, "Well too bad, you are going in anyway." SHE is the adult, he is the FOUR YEAR OLD.
i'm with these gals. the MIL made a mistake - it was probably what she was used to when raising her kids and didn't realize that in this day and age, it's a big issue to leave a kid in the car. i'd give her a second chance.....BUT if she's just blowing them off when they try to tell her why it's serious to them, i'd probably not let her chauffer the kid around anymore but probably still let her watch him.
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
I'm torn here. This isn't the same as exploding DP. She didn't lock him in the trunk. We don't know all the circumstances. Was he left sweltering in the car with the windows up? Were they down? Was she parked in the shade? Not that any of these condones leaving a 4 year old in the car alone but these are other factors, I would consider before just cutting her off completely.
Personally other than mentioning that I don't want my child left in a car alone (until they are old enough to take care of themselves,) I think I would tell her that she could be arrested on the spot for doing it today. She may very well just not know that this is considered a crime today.
I'm not saying I would never forgive her. I'm saying I would not leave my child in her care. She could easily have killed him. This is not something that was condoned in the 70s and 80s, not for a 4yo. Heat deaths are nothing new.
To me this shows a major lack of judgement. I would go so far as to start wondering if she has some mental health issue, dementia, etc. This is bizarre behavior from someone who has been a good caregiver/mother in the past (I'm assuming she was).
This would infuriate me. You endanger my kid's life and when you are called on it, you can't even apologize. That is just not cool.
That could have ended badly. She put her grandkid in danger. I'd be furious if it were L.
Maybe her MIL knows she made a mistake and she's embarrassed to talk about it. Maybe she thinks her DIL is overreacting. The only way she can at least feel like it won't happen again is if her MIL admits she made a mistake and assures her it won't happen again. Until that happened, I couldn't feel safe leaving my child with her.
"I need to know that you won't leave DS in the car alone again." If that conversation doesn't happen or isn't two-sided, I would find alternate care. Awkwardness between family members is a small price to pay.
When my siblings and I were small, my mom routinely left us in the car to run errands. One time, the 4 of us were in the car under my "care" (I was 6, the youngest was under 1). My sister turned around in the front seat, her foot knocked the car out of gear, and we started rolling backwards into the street. Some man dove into the car to stop it. That also could have ended badly. And my mom never left us in the car again.
This. Yes, she had bad judgement. Yes, it was WRONG and I'd be so seriously pissed at anyone who did that with C. BUT, we would have a serious conversation and if I felt any inkling that she would do it again and we were being blown off, then I would probably not let that person keep C.
And FWIW, her coming back to a screaming 4 year old, will probably not make him not want to get out of the car again. They remember crap you'd never guess, but when it comes to things they should remember...kids selectively forget. Odds are that little boy will fight going in again and again. The difference is if she's going to be the adult or let him get away with things.
I also don't buy into the "that's the way they did it" sh!t. We didn't ride in carseats and guess what? Kids do these days! So just because I sat in an empty car alone and lived, doesn't mean I think we should risk it now. I also lived in BFE...big difference between that and Houston.
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
I completely agree. And if my parents or in-laws did this with my children, furious doesn't even begin to describe how I'd react. I would be absolutely livid, and my children wouldn't be alone under their care for quite a while... I don't care if "that's the way they did it". Times have changed. There are crazy people out there. It's very hot right now in Houston. It's just plain not safe, and that child is way too young to know what to do in that type of situation.
BFP with no treatment!
This is how I feel. Who says that it was even in the City? Maybe they are in a small town, not that it makes it any better. Obviously they have left the kid alone with her for 4 YEARS and this is the first issue they have had. She doesn't have a history of bad judgement. Yes, I'd be angry and want to talk about it, but I also think forgiveness is important. The grandmother is obviously a loving individual and a good caregiver (minus this incident) or they wouldn't leave the child with her in the first place. I don't think she left him in the car with the hopes he would be kidnapped or die.
I tend to agree with all of this.
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