Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not sure what to do
My 6 year old son is asking me if we could visit my family. The problem is is that I don't get along with them because of their negativity towards me as well as my husband and son. The last time my father was around my son he accused me of spoiling him because my son wouldn't respond to him. Well, he's never been involved in his life so what does he expect? Then when I made a quick stop at the store my son told me that my father told him to shut up while they were in the car because he was talking too much. While at the beach my dad warned him to be quiet and after he didn't he took my son out of the car and pretended to leave him behind. I knew he was coming back for him but my son was angry at me for allowing my dad to do that (even though I threatened to jump out if he didn't go back). My son was just pleading with him to sleep at our house. He didn't understand why my parents wanted to stay at a hotel (by choice) when there was an extra room in our home.Everyone knows my son likes to talk a lot and I feel that my father had already formed his own opinion about him before he even came out to visit. I know my father doesn't like me very much. Yeah I moved out at 19 and haven't allowed him to control me the way he controls the rest of the family, but shouldn't he be happy I've never asked him for money? Although I've never said it to him, I have made it very clear that I don't need him.
When I was a child I wasn't allowed to express myself. I was verbally abused and witnessed my dad's explosive temper and all I could do was shake and cry in my room. I refuse to raise my son in the same way. I live in WA, my family lives in IL so I only used to visit once a year. For the first time since my son was born my dad came to visit last summer. That was when he had told my son to shut up and yelled at me about how I've spoiled him. After that I wished he had never came at all, I was furious at him. He had no right talking to me or my son like that. However, my son didn't know what to think. He didn't particularly like my dad telling him to shut up but he's not one to dwell on things for too long either. I on the other hand had a poor upbringing and suffered from depression and an eating disorder before and after my son was born. I had serious problems and they began when I was about my son's age.
Even after all I have been through, I often find myself confused about my feelings towards my family. One minute I miss them then the next I hate them. I hate the way they've treated me but most of all I hate myself for allowing them to. I can't express my feelings because then I get shut out. If I would have told my dad how I really felt about his last visit it would have turned into a huge argument and then the rest of the family would have blamed me for getting him upset and stopped talking to me. I've been through that before; they didn't talk to me for 3 years until I finally called them. So I know that expressing my feelings isn't an option unless I want to be ignored. Well, my son doesn't know nor would he understand all the dysfunction in my family. Though I want to protect him I also realize I'm trying to protect myself. My father had no problem with yelling at me in front of my son or telling me how fat he noticed I had gotten. He suggested I lose weight before my husband leaves me. Yes, I know it's horrible what he said and I hated him for it. I've tried to get over it but I can't completely erase it from my mind and I find myself getting angry about that as well as all the insults he's verbalized to me. I have been an emotional mess in the past and I find that I function much better when I don't see or talk to him. Yet, I feel guilty for feeling this way because he's my dad, but at the same time I realize I also have a responsibility to protect my son.
I sometimes get very emotional after I speak to my family because there's just so much pain that is still there that I've had swallow. I don't like my son seeing me this way. I also don't like them treating him the way they treat me. It's as if in their mind I'm a bad person, therefore anyone who is associated with me must be bad too. My son just visited his grandparents on his dad's side but I refused to go see my family. I'm not sure when or if I ever will make much of an effort to visit with them again. Maybe once every 5 years when I'm passing by on the way to visiting my husband's side of the family. My son wants to see them and I just told him that I didn't like the way his grandfather (my dad) spoke to him the last time he came to visit. Of course, the sweet boy he is he responded by asking me if I can forgive him so he can see them. So, should I or not? If I deny him the right to see his grandparents (on my side of the family only) then he may resent me yet if I allow them to abuse us then as his mother I've failed him.
Re: Not sure what to do
First, I'm so sorry! This is awful. I can very much empathize with some of your story.
If I am reading correctly your main worry is what to do about forging a bond between your son and your father.
That is a very valid concern. I'm not sure what the answer is however.
For now, I think I would just sit down with your son and explain the distance factor. That will buy you some time until you can figure out what to do.
It doesn't sound like your father is likely to visit correct? If you go visit him I see your point. If you don't then it is your fault for not allowing your son to have a relationship with his grandparents but if you do then you may be subjecting him to verbal abuse or watching you go through it.
I'm so sorry
Hugs to you!
I would recommend counseling for yourself first off.
I'm sorry you have been put through that your whole life. I wouldn't want that subjected to my son personally. I would have a talk with your dad and if he can't agree to be nicer then I would cut him out of your life again.
I agree- counseling for you. And I think you need to look into why it is you feel you "have" to have a relationship w/ these people. Yes, they are family, but what do they bring to your life?
past that, no, I wouldn't go see my family. You were abused and you've seen your father treat your son the same way. This is where you get to be the parent and your son gets to be the child - YOU make the choice, not him.
I wouldn't frame it in the "I don't like how granddad talked to you" way, though. I would keep it much simpler for now. They live too far, they haven't invite you.... whatever it takes. If he asks why you all see your DH's family more, you just need to say that some families are closer than others. Don't make it about "denying him" the right to see them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. If you have not sat down with a counselor, this might be a good time to do so.
I think you are handling this correctly, with telling your son that grandpa wasn't very nice on his last visit.
And I agree with counseling. I'm headed there for the first time in my life over this so I can protect my marriage and my daughter in the future.
Best of luck to you!
Resent you? Are you kidding? If your son makes one derisive comment you stand your ground and say that you made the best decision in a tough situation. It's lovely to imagine that you could forgive and forget and he would fit the imagine of a "grandfather" type, but reality has shown otherwise. You have NOTHING to explain to your son about this parenting decision.
As for the "let's forgive him and get in touch" comment. Feel free to tell him that you have already forgiven him in your heart, but sadly he has not asked for it, so he won't be changing. It's sad that he's a mean bully who's not good to be around. We can love him even though we know its best not to visit. Your heart is open to future change, but that change has to come from him.
If your son wants to make a connection, perhaps he can make a card and send it. That seems like a loving gesture without much risk of harm.
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and I'm not going to assume I can give you any kind of advice. Definitely not my area of expertise.
I had some stuff to work through, too, and really resisted therapy for a long time. I thought by going it made me a weak person, or somewhat mentally ill. I felt like I was strong enough to work through it on my own. Then I wised up and made an appointment! It was wonderful. Working through this with someone who won't judge you, and knows how to help you is going to take a big weight off your shoulders. Leaving my therapist sometimes feels as good as leaving the spa! Try one appointment just to see.
Good luck with everything!
We didn't see my husband's dad and stepmom for years, and my children never thought anything about it. My kids had loving grandparents from my side, and saw their aunts and uncles on both my side and dh's.
I agree with ECB - keep your reasons simple. By saying "we're not seeing grandpa b/c he wasn't nice to you," you are making the fact that grandpa isn't visiting your son's fault. That is a lot of guilt to push on a child. "They live too far," "it's too expensive for us to fly there," etc. all work. Don't make your son responsible for the
It was easy to not see my ILS b/c dh cut of all contact with them. I'm wondering why, if these people are so terrible, you are still having regular phone calls with them? I think that sends a really mixed message.
You need counseling to deal with your feelings after being abused for so many years. You really need the strength to either set boundries, or cut these people out of your life. You weren't an adult when you "allowed" the abuse on you to continue, you were a child! It was THEIR JOB to protect you, not your job to stand up for yourself. Now you've agreed to "a relationship at any cost," and that's not healthy for you. Especially when you live so far away!
While at the beach my dad warned him to be quiet and after he didn't he took my son out of the car and pretended to leave him behind. I knew he was coming back for him but my son was angry at me for allowing my dad to do that (even though I threatened to jump out if he didn't go back).
WTF is that about? You actually stayed in the car while your dad drove away? I'm sure your son was terrified. That would have been when I told grandpa that the visit was over and told him to enjoy his hotel, b/c that was the extent of his visit with you. He was abusing your son like he abused you. You need counseing if you are even talking to this man after that episode.
And don't think your son's questions have anything to do with your dad's anger. If it weren't your son's questions, it would have been something else. Your dad abuses b/c he is an abuser. DS is a young boy - he's going to ask questions! A normal grandparent would listen to the questions and say "wow! You sure ask a lot of questions! That's the best way to learn! what a smart boy you are!"