Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sex related questions for the ladies
My FB and I have been together for several years, and I think we have a great relationship. I really mean that, I went through a good degree of counseling in my teens and I think I have a good idea what a healthy relationship looks like. One of the key words to me is communication. However, we (or perhaps mostly *I*) have been having a tough time communicating with regards to intimacy issues lately...
The obvious answer to most of these problems is, again, simply "communicate", I'm just finding it rough lately. I'm hoping that speaking to a few people with an outside perspective in a relaxing atmosphere like this one can just help me to clear my head and figure out how to address these problems moving forward... what I should do, say, etc.
So I want to ask you about these things,
1. We're both in our late twenties. I know it's common for a man to have more sex drive than a woman, but I think hers is very low even compared to her peers.
The "bunny rabbit" stage for us was, maybe, 2 times a week.
Since then, it's been maybe 3 times a month... and sometimes just twice a month. I would prefer something more along the lines of 3 times a week.
Now, I'm more of a romantic than she is, so that's never been the problem. I'm in better shape than I've ever been and taking better care of myself than ever, so that's not the problem either. I also try to mix things up and keep it interesting. She's in graduate school, so there is a degree of stress in her life.. I'm not sure if that's the only factor.
All of this wouldn't necessarily be a problem. I love her dearly. If that meant one encounter a week, I would gladly just accept that. But I think what has become difficult about this arrangement is that, I feel like it's created a bit of a power balance within the relationship. In other words, if she was inclined to, it wouldn't bother her at all to go without for a month or more. However, with me, I would find that very, very tough.
I'm not saying she's holding it over my head or anything, but it's stressful in a way. I feel *sometimes* like a little boy who must always remain on his best behavior. Which is not to say that I *want* to be "bad" or anything, but I feel like I must constantly at all times "woo" her. And again, not to give the wrong impression, I love to "woo" her, but it's a lot of work to be in that mode constantly day in and day out, especially when you feel like the other party isn't reciprocating (and doesn't need to.)
It basically comes down to the feeling like the relationship is unequal in this sense, because *I alone* am responsible for the romantic aspects of encounters, for making things new and exciting, for being constantly in my very best shape, etc.
I mean, I've booked bed and breakfast stays, set the mood with candles, flowers, a nice environment, worked hard on my abs to impress, etc, etc., etc. and I can only recall one instance in our entire relationship where she ever did ANYTHING like that (one time a couple years ago she surprised me in our hotel room with a sexy little outfit). Other than that, nada.
So I guess what I'm asking is, can this relationship ever be equally, sexually speaking? Or is it just a fact of life to deal with?
2. Secondly, another thing I'm having trouble with: she has very little interest in foreplay. Well, she loves it when I do it for her, but she doesn't really return in kind. She's under the impression that just because there is a certain sign that I'm "ready" (you know what I mean), that it truly means I'm ready. Only, sometimes I'm not.
I tried to explain to her that, even though I'm a guy, sometimes I'm not "mentally" into it and I need foreplay too. She said she didn't get it because I was "ready" and I said, just because that (you know) is like that, doesn't always mean my mind or my heart are ready.
So then she asked what I would like her to do to help. I replied that, I didn't want to have to tell her... and that frustrated her. That's where our communication broke down. I tried to explain, if I tell you, then it's like mechanical.. it doesn't feel real. In other words, when I'm getting her "ready", I will kiss her on her neck, or gently tickle certain sensitive spots or rub her back, etc, etc, etc. and I do this because I am in love with her - and can't help myself.
So I think that what hurts me about the situation is that it makes me feel unattractive or that she doesn't love me enough to consider my mental states (this is not true, it's just how it FEELS in the moment), I'm just feeling like an object in that situation... something that is being used. Whereas I do all of that because I love her - and loving her makes me WANT to do that.
She does things like, for example, even when she does "stimulate" me to get me ready, sometimes I will notice that she is looking away, as if bored. I just don't get it, and I don't know how to respond to it. If I was doing the same, then I could see why she might adopt that approach, but I am nothing if not attentive to her at all times when we are about to be together.
So I did try to explain, as described above, but it really didn't work. I'm having a tough time with this now partially because of an emotional block. I feel like if I keep bringing it up, I will sound like a whiner and a complainer.
IMO, it's just upsetting that it needs to be brought up... what can I do?
Apologies for the length of this post and thanks in advance for any thoughts you might be willing to share.
Re: Sex related questions for the ladies
This bothers me more than a little:
Which is not to say that I *want* to be "bad" or anything, but I feel like I must constantly at all times "woo" her. And again, not to give the wrong impression, I love to "woo" her, but it's a lot of work to be in that mode constantly day in and day out, especially when you feel like the other party isn't reciprocating (and doesn't need to.)
And indeed you are right: this is a 50 50 relationship and a 2 way street. You shouldn't have to be pulling the entire romantic weight by yourself.
What kind of a home was she brought up in? Was everybody kind of stand offish and was there no open PDA or show of affection with her parents and siblings? Maybe it's a family thing: maybe somehow she got the idea that romantic gestures are okay but are not overall important?
Youi're also together several years. Perfectly normal to not be in the humping like rabbits stage; affection and lust ebbs after a period of time.
Communication is where it's at.
Maybe you and she are in a sexual rut, maybe she's got a health problem that's causing her libido to drop, maybe she's taking meds that are doing the same, I don't know -- what you need to do is talk to her. Tell her exactly what you've told us. GL.
I smiled when I read this, because 1. you wrote it so kindly and objectively but 2. I've been there.
I'm a newlywed and the only real "issue" my husband and I have dealt with is in the bedroom. Both of us feel we don't go at it enough. When we do, it's great, but it just doesn't happen that often.
There are two big factors causing it. One, his health - he has a condition that acts up sometimes and he just needs to rest. Two, MY health - I have chronic anxiety.
We met when I was in grad school
This was when the anxiety really kicked in, but I wasn't that aware of it. I assumed the stress was just because of school and nothing else. Finally, after a few conversations with friends (and 6 months later), I realized what I was going through wasn't really normal and I started seeing a therapist. After one session, I realized my anxiety was through the roof and that I really needed help.
I am completely in love with my husband, and find him very attractive. However, if I'm feeling anxious, there is no way no how that I'm going to get frisky. At all! It's like there is a massive amount of electricity running through my body and I can't stand being touched.
I don't know if this is what she's dealing with or not. My advice, though, is that women are complicated
When it comes to wanting sex, our "mood" has everything to do with the other emotions we're going through. So your problem, or cause, could be something completely unrelated to your relationship or to sex. If she's struggling with other pressures, that could turn her off from sex.
Good luck! You have a wonderful attitude. I think your'e going about it the right way - not putting pressure on her or you, or blaming either. Just treat it as a problem affecting your relationship and avoid pointing fingers.
Good luck!
She was raised in a very cold home, I think she's warmed up quite a bit since we have been dating, but she still isn't nearly as expressive as I am.
It's not that her libido has dropped or whatever, it's just really never
been that high to begin with. As a fact of nature, if that's just who she is then to heck with it because I love her more than the world itself. But, the issue is more than that, again because of the feeling of an imbalance and power disparity.
I'm having trouble with the communication aspect of it. She tends to act confused when I say things such as the examples I listed above. I don't know if I'm just not putting it in the right terms or maybe I'm saying it with the wrong attitude or what...
Just to use an analogy. Once during my teens, my family actually forgot to celebrate my birthday. A week later, I sorta brought it up in passing to my parents. A week after that, they threw me this amazing birthday party. Long story short: I was miserable throughout the whole party.
That is similar to how I'm feeling now. If I have to say more than once (I already have) that I'm feeling unappreciated - in a sexual context - it feels... embarrassing. It's almost as if she is saying to me, "Oh, now that you have told me how upset you are that I don't consider your feelings, I'm going to begin considering your feelings now."
The more I think about it, the more it actually does make me concerned about the relationship as a whole. Outside of the bedroom, I don't get the impression that anything is wrong, but perhaps underneath our bonds are not as strong as they appear. That is scary to me.
Is she on some kind of birth control?
I ask because my sex drive was way low when I was on them. That might be part of why she doesn't want sex as much-on top of the fact that she is in grad school which is an added stress.
Also, I think you really need to tell her what kinds of foreplay things you like. We aren't mind readers. Personally, my H, doesn't need much foreplay aside from a few strokes with my hand. (usually while he is kissing my neck or doing something else to get me ready) Maybe mention when she kisses you or touches you a certain way that you really like- say that you like it. let her know it feels good and she will keep in mind to do it again the next time.
or maybe its just time to find a new FB. If you both aren't on the same page both of you should find new FBs. (or maybe she doesn't want one?) I've fallen in love with an FB, who didn't love me back before, and it sucks when its only one-sided. Have you told her how you feel? Maybe more communication on all fronts will help the situation
It wouldn't hurt to suggest joint counseling, even for a "marriage maintenance" of sorts.
It is good that you want to nip this in the bud now -- you are a caring and considerate guy; that's a rarity. Have a look at the posts on this board; the women can't even jump start these guys into anteing up even halfway bedroom-wise. Or they will talk to the guy and they'll get lip service and nothing more.
And there are some women who just aren't romantic, the same as there's guys who are not. Again, it depends on the person and also depends on their upbringing. It's not a bad thing; it's just how they are.
Hmm, I have a couple of ideas...
With this, I was thinking this may be more of a "Love Language" type thing, like, perhaps she is expressing her love to you, but in a different way? You said yourself that you're a big romantic, you like surprises, and you're showing your love and affection for her in that way. Perhaps she's reciprocating, but in a different way. Perhaps she always tells you that she loves you and talks about all of the wonderful things that you do and tells you how much she appreciates everything that you do for her- she may be expressing her love that way. Maybe do the Love Language test with her here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
Secondly, I think you need to tell her what you want, but give her room for her to elaborate on your idea. For example, if you tell her you want her to talk dirty to you in the bedroom- give her 1 or 2 examples- surely she's not going to repeat that one phrase over and over. Or, tell her you want her to kiss you all over before sex. Or, tell her (during a time she's not in school or doesn't have much going on), that you want to go to the beach, the mountains, etc for a weekend and you want her to plan some surprises- sure, you KNOW there are going to be surprises, but you won't know what they are, right? You could even tell her you want her to plan a date night (again, when she's not doing the million things that grad students are up to).
It sounds like you are so attentive to her and know what she likes/ doesn't like, and it frustrates you that she is not as attentive to what you do/don't like since she has to ask. Then you clam up and don't really want to talk about it because of the "why doesn't she know already?" thoughts running through your mind. Honestly, it may not be on her particular radar, and telling her what you like may initially take the surprise out of it, but I think once she gets the basics down, she may be able to elaborate on her own.
Good luck! You sound like a great catch!
Hello there,
I am a woman on the opposite side. I am the one with the better sex drive at this point, and it has caused some minor issues in my relationship with my future husband. My two main suggestions are: communication and reciprocity. I put communication first because assumptions are easy to make and hard to erase. My partner and I have spent a lot of time discussing this problem of ours, and because we can discuss it openly we have really made improvements. For example, you mentioned that she hardly ever does anything to help you get "ready". Because it is more difficult for me, as a woman, to "get ready," my partner spends a lot of time working on that during foreplay, and because I enjoy it so much I often forget to reciprocate. Sometimes a kind reminder is useful on his part. Also, with the comment that she gets frustrated because she doesn't know what to do, tell her to do to you what she likes you to do to her. I would also strongly recommend you make sure that she is dedicated to talking about these issues and working through them. Sometimes you can discover that there is no working through them, and you either must take it as it is and put aside what you were hoping for, or move on and look for something else, hard though that may be. I would also encourage you to make sure that she is in fact interested in you physically. Like others have said, it could be birth control, health, diet, etc., but if the bottom line is she is just not attracted to you, it could become a difficult and unresolvable issue that will continue to torment your relationship. In a situation like that, it might be kinder to break it off than continue on. Above all, I stress compromise. It sounds like you're taking steps to do just that, and I hope it goes well for you. Good luck.
late to the game here, but this particular part of your post is really concerning to me. i can totally relate with the idea that you want things to happen organically, spontaneously, naturally......but the reality is that sometimes, you need to ask for whatever it is you wish to receive! that is the loving, adult thing to do!
you can't expect your partner to be a mind-reader. and not all sexual relationships play out like the ones we all see on tv, movies, and in porn.
Emerald Nuts Midnight Run (4m) 1/1/12
Coogan's Salsa, Blues, and Shamrocks Run (5k) 3/4/12
Colon Cancer Challenge (15k) 4/1/12
Purple Stride NYC (5k) 4/21/12
Run to Combat Autism (5k) 4/29/12
RnR Philadelphia (Half Marathon) 9/16/12