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To go .... or not to go
I know ultimately this will be my decision but I need some opinions... I'm at a total loss.
The short back story is that my parents divorced when I was only a few weeks old. My father wasn't involved in my life at all, and what little time we did spend together wasn't exactly great. I haven't seen my father since I was 19 so 11 years ago, and I haven't spoken to him in over 3 years.
My grandmother recently contacted my mother and unfortunately my father passed away from heart failure related to his alcoholism. She is holding a memorial for him tomorrow and I'm not sure if I should go...
The only contact I've had with anyone in his family is an aunt who tried to contact me on myspace a few years ago ... and basically accused me of being ashamed of my family..
Re: To go .... or not to go
Then make sure that they get why you are going and that you want no involvement with them. You don't even have to socialize with them. If all else fails you could always say "See you at the next funeral!"
It doesn't give that message at all.
You have to make the choice but this is the only time to will have to say good bye and think about the guilt you would put on yourself if you don't go.
I believe that guilt is a totally useless emotion so don't do that to yourself. You're better than that.
It's not actually the funeral he died a few months ago in another state and was cremated this is a memorial at his mother's house...
Given that this is at his mother's house and given that you are concerned that they might think that you want a relationship, I would personally choose not to go.
Just my 2 cents.
A neutral spot, such as a funeral home or church, would probably feel like less pressure and be easier to leave if you felt uncomfortable.
This, I'd be afraid someday I'd regret not going. You can attend the service and still have nothing to do with his family. I'm sure it will be awkward but at least you'll be able to make your peace.
Thank you everyone for your advice. It's still early and knowing me I'll change my mind 3 times but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go.
I have no desire to support his family in their time of grief seeing as I've lost 2 grandparents 3 friends and 2 uncles on my mother's side and none of them so much as sent an email.... I've already made my peace with my father being gone on my own.
A memorial service - where your "dad's" family is going to remember how great your dad was, and all of his good attributes? No thanks, I'd pass!
The fact is, this guy was never much of a father to you, more like a sperm donor. I'm hard pressed to think of anything you have to gain from attending, especially since it is at his mom's home!
Well they say that funerals / memorials are not really for the deceased as they are for their survivors. Since you have no interest in having a relationship his family, I wouldn't go.
FWIW, I didn't attend my stepgrandmother's funeral. She was a horrible person and never treated any of my family right. It was several years ago, but I have no regrets about not attending her funeral. Of course, I know my situation is different than yours, but I wanted to give you an example of someone who didn't attend the funeral of a family member and never felt guilt about it.