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New, long story...
Hello.
I'm pretty new here and am having IL issues. My husband and I just got married three weeks ago. We went on our honeymoon, and one week after we'd been back FIL moved into our house. He left his crazy wife and has nowhere else to go. He would have stayed with his best friend, but the friend died about a week before the wedding. (another long story) H and I have been living together for three years, so it's not a huge deal... except that we just got married!!! When FIL first moved in, he asked if he could stay for two months which I was fine with, he needs help to get back on his feet, but then it turned into six months.
His assets are pretty much frozen right now because he owns his own company and can't spend any of the money since it's technically half hers. So that means he wont be able to buy a new condo until the divorce is final, hence the six months.
Now he's talking about not moving out until he sells the house they lived in (which in this economy could take forever) and I'm going crazy. He's taken over our guest bedroom and our office to run his company. I miss our privacy and the sense of calm that used to be in our house.
He does pay rent which is helping us on our way to saving to buy a new house, but I'm starting to wonder what we've really gotten ourselves into. I guess I'm just looking for a little unbiased advice for my convoluted situation, and any would be appreciated. If you made it to the end of this, thank you.
Re: New, long story...
You need to sit down with H and come up with a move out date that you can both live with. You need to tell FIL you love him but you need your newlywed time without him. You need to be VERY clear with your H and FIL that this is the real deal.
He has money he can rent something until his assests are unfrozen!
Do it now!
Whoa --- nobody permits anybody to live in their home unbidden.
Your FIL is a grown man. Let him figure this out for himself; he can go live in the Y, a studio apartment, or a boarding house.
I also, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, would give him money nor would I get involved in any of this hot mess that's going on between FIL and his xYF.
I would also give him a deadline to be out. A month would be good. No, it would be perfect --- the Y, a boarding house or a studio apartment. The choice is his.
A bit confused about the timeline here - you got married 3 weeks ago, went on a honeymoon, FIL moved in a week later and yet he's been there six months...MUD?
We got back from our honeymoon two weeks ago and FIL moved in last weekend. He's been here one week. The original plan was for him to stay for two months, however, he has now asked if he can stay for six. We haven't made a decision yet.
I feel like we can't really kick him out to the Y or a studio apartment because he has a 7 year old son (who's now my brother in law) and the ex is CRAZY. Like un-medicated schizophrentic..sp? FIL and DH and I are really the only good influences in his life. If FIL were to move out to a studio, he wouldn't have anywhere for BIL to sleep. As of now custody hasn't been decided. He does plan on going for full custody until his ex gets help.
She also has a heart condition with a pacemaker, and many other health problems that FIL will need to continue to pay for until she gets disability. She began the application process, but no decision has been made yet.
I know the situation is really crazy and sounds like MUD, but it is definitely not. It's my life.
Your FIL doesn't get to decide how long he stays in your home. YOU do.
I understand that you feel bad for your young BIL, but your FIL will continue to keep mooching off you guys and relying on the two of you to take care of him. The longer he lives like this, the harder it'll be for him to break his habit of relying on someone else to take care of him.
Talk to your husband and set a firm move-out date for FIL. Then tell FIL that this is the plan. No explanations, no apologies, no buts. Your house, your rules. FIL will not die if you make him take care of himself. He will manage. He's an adult.
If your FIL is paying YOU rent, he can pay rent somewhere else.
Has FIL met with a lawyer yet? Marital assets aren't "frozen" in the divorce process -- he has the right to take funds in order to rent housing. Those funds will be accounted for in his half in the marital estate but he can get his own d@mn apartment.
This. Your FIL is doing what is "easy," for him, not what is in the best interests of you, his (younger) son, or your dh. Nobody wants to go through the hassle of being tied up in a 1 year lease, or pay extra for a 6 month lease, but people do it ALL THE TIME.
I would tell your husband that staying with you for six months just isn't an option. This was not what you planned, and staying with you is a WANT, not a need (staying for 30-60 days to find a place that works is a need).
If you want to be a positive influence in bil's life, then visit him, etc. Having a child that you don't want in your home will NOT improve your relationship with them. A six month stay could damange your relationship with both your FIL and BIL, not to mention your H.
Just tell your H that you can't handle six months. You love his dad, you love his brother, but staying at your home is not an option.
PS: Also remember, "your lack of planning does not equal my emergency." I'm sure MIL has been unstable for quite some time. Don't let anyone tell you that FIL JUST decided to leave with no thought of divorce prior to this!
So, im confused...do you want him gone or not. You say you do yet you continue to make excuses for him. Nothing you stated shows he cant get his own place. His son and him can share a bed or get twins.
Please make up your mind.
This, if the arrangement isn't what you thought it would be in the beginning he needs to start making other arrangements. I can appreciate helping a family member in need...but that's pushing it a bit. Your H needs to have a conversation with him.
Sorry, hijacking post OP. MagSugar...Punta Cana is beautiful...if you haven't been go soon, you'll want to quit your jobs and just live down there forever!
LOL...we just got back yesterday...we've been there a few time
Thanks ladies. I know I just need to stop feeling bad for him and do what's right for my brand spankin new marriage.
I appreciate all the feedback.
Think about it. What would your FIL do if you guys lived in another state or across the country? Where would he go ? Well, he would probably rent a cheap apartment or get a roomate somewhere. Sure it isn't the easiest or cheapest thing to do, but it would work and he and your BIL would be just fine. It might take him a bit longer to buy a condo, but that isn't your problem or your responsibility.
Your FIL isn't the first man to leave his wife and most men certainly don't live with their children or family members, they get an apartment. If other men can do it, so can he.
So who has the lil' bro' now? If his mother is an unmedicated schizophrenic she shouldn't have sole custody of the child at any time and the FIL is irresponsible to not have him..
You are in such a tough spot! I think you need to end this before it gets nsty and you have to throw him out to save your sanity. I would sit down with your husband and come to an agreement about how much longer he can stay. And then, you both should share that with him and give him about a month to find a new place. Be sure to explain that you both love him, but this is not a healthy arrangmements for a newlywed couple.
Make sure your motto is "NO GUILT". You've been very generous and you've helped a family member out in ways that most people wouldn't. And if he can pay you rent, he can find another place to go that doesn't strain you or your marriage. Being married IS different, and you need time to enjoy and experience that.