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MIL has turned into... well, your average crappy roomate. (long)
Hi all - used to post here rather frequently as Lady Disdain, switched monikers and now I'm back to join the ranks of women venting about their MILs. I'm sorry this is so long, but there it is.
MIL lives in an old family house, paid off, but large and too expensive to keep up herself. Her sister (1/3 owner) moved out and away. Her daughter moved in, stayed a year, moved out. To help her keep the house, and b/c DH wanted to help support her as she is getting older, we (us plus our 2 kids) moved in last August. We pay 1/2 utilities, buy all groceries, plus an additional $150 to her per month to help her with other sundry costs. From before we moved in, we had all sat down to go over needs, expectations, communication parameters, etc. For my part, I went in ready to compromise, knowing it'd be insanely difficult, but figuring as long as we all show each other mutual respect and communicate well (and keep up our financial commitment), all would go... OK, at least.
FF to almost a year later.
- Communication has gone to hell - MIL, when either/both of us try to start a conversation, walks away.
- From the second weekend we moved in, she would bring one of her other grandkids over to stay for at least the weekend if not a whole week, without asking or at least giving us a heads-up, and get irate when we requested that she at least just let us know if/when she's wanting to have them come over. Not once have we told her they can't, and when they are over, since she sleeps in until 10am, we've prepared their breakfasts and made sure they're getting dressed and washing up for the day.
- If either of us tries to clean any room, she huffs around because she doesn't like how we're doing it, then she re-cleans it when we leave.
- If DH doesn't mow the lawn within 30 minutes of her asking him to, she goes out and does it herself - in spite of him telling her (over the roaring motor) he'll do it if she'll just let him get to it in an hour or two (he's the primary caregiver for our two toddlers, so sometimes chores have to wait for nap time and such). Then she comes back in all quivery and tired and physically unable to move the rest of the day. This occurs whenever DH can't do yardwork or chores as soon as she asks him - he gets frustrated from wanting to help her, but if it can't happen on her timeline, she does it herself to her detriment.
- She has said "thank you" exactly twice since we've lived there. We repair her car (replaced radiator, brakes, rotors, alignments, etc), bought a new microwave from the one she had where the handle was taped on and 1/2 the buttons wouldn't work, provide her with a cell phone for just-in-case needs while she's out, etc. For Christmas, we got her a brand new espresso machine (she drinks a few cups every day), and when she opened it - with my parents sitting there too - she said she didn't know why we got it for her and she should take it back for a gift card.
- We have had people over maybe six times in the past year, and each and every time we have asked her over a week in advance if it's OK with her. Yet she feels irate if we ask for the same consideration if she's bringing family over to stay overnight for days on end.
- The front door is essentially a revolving door for any family who want to come over at any time... and remain to eat groceries and even take some home with them.
Look, I know I'm not the prize of the earth to live with either. But dammit, I tried. I went into this wanting to help her, totally fine with working hard to provide her with a quality of life as she's getting older, wanting to support DH in his wishes to do the same and help care for her if/when she needs it. But I feel like we're Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire: "Help me help you!!!" We have even discussed, in light of the house being impractical for an elderly woman and even us (two working adults with small kids) to upkeep (a large farmhouse on 2+ acres with fences, tons of mowing, outbuildings, etc) trying to find a smaller, more workable property with an MIL home on it and to bring her with us so she can still have our proximity for safety/health without infringing on each other's space - even to make sure it has a gardening area since she loves maintaining her flowers and vegetables. She won't have it.
The last straw for DH was when she told him, "DruidP has never embraced my family!" Talk about a WTF moment. Ever since I met DH, I have striven to make sure we, including our kids, are involved in their lives - we go to birthday parties, get gifts for all the nieces/nephews/grandkids, invite them over for play dates and BBQs, participate in holiday events together, and see above for helping host family members who decide to come over. DH said his jaw almost dropped when she said that, and I'm just floored. But that was it for him - he's been trying so hard to work on the dynamic here and see if there are ways to make it better and more livable, but he won't tolerate that attitude about me... so we are moving out.
Flame away if you want. I feel pretty schooled already for thinking this had a decent shot at working out. Again, I own that I'm not perfect either, but I feel like we entered what was supposed to be a moderately two-way street and got plowed over by a one-way MIL semi truck.
Re: MIL has turned into... well, your average crappy roomate. (long)
That flaming I can take (well, any really, but it's the most justified).
I mostly did it for DH. I know he'd do the same for me had the roles been reversed - had it been my mom or dad we were trying to intervene for and improve their elderly quality of life. Actually, I think I'd have a harder time had it been my own mom (not exactly peas in a pod).
I sleep OK at night knowing I tried my best as a wife and DIL to do right by her. I know DH is torn up a bit about it... but her last comment about me is pure salve on that wound, I must say.
Ditto. Time to move out.
I'd be moving out too so no flames from me. If you have told her you are moving out, what has she said? Is she shocked about it or did she kind of know it was coming?
I get that she is older and that she is probably set in her ways but sheesh! She should of at least got the gist of the situation when you all sat down together before you moved in.
It sounds like you handled it all as well as you possibly could have. After almost a year of what you've described, I'd feel pretty frustrated and resentful. I'm just glad that your H is seeing things clearly and backing you up.
Thx ladies.
She seems pretty resigned to it - but frankly we don't know what she'll wind up doing. DH even offered to help her get the house ready to sell so she can get herself a smaller place to live, but she won't talk about it. And none of his siblings are in a position to help her either, and they certainly don't want to live with her.
I really wish she had been a bit more amenable to, you know, the limitations of her living situation and try to work with us for the best scenario. Instead I have a feeling that house will be her own personal Titanic.
We're looking at our options and hope to be out within six months. (Please God!!!)
Eh in this case I may have been willing to give it a try since it was important to your DH. We've done all kinds of things for MIL that I'm sure the Nest would disapprove of and it has always come back to bite us in the ass, but hey, at least we know we have done everything we can to help her and that alone is important to us.
I would move out ASAP, find a place that makes you all happy, and walk away from any sense of responsibility for fixing MIL or helping her situation. Let her make her own decisions and do not get involved, continue to visit her, go to family get togethers, etc. and just leave the relationship at that.
I seriously dread the day my FIL dies, and MH asks me if we can move his mom in.
I'm surprised you even agreed to it, but since you're now moving out, I dont really see a problem? Enjoy having your normalcy back!
Yikes, how did you survive?
You should check what programs your state has for elderly people who need assistance. My state has it (I work in a law office that does longterm care proceedings, etc) and it seems to help many low or no income elderly with things.
But I'd leave ASAP and quit trying if nothing is appreciated.
Good Lord, i so empathize, we live with my in-laws and mine has taken to just following us when we tell her we are going to spend time together( and this after us purposely spending time with her first , she depends on us for A LOT of her "entertainment" or chores.) and just sitting there for hours on end.
I agree with PP'ers, you are a saint for having lived thru it for a year. We just passed our year mark, before the wedding our mantra was "let's just get this wedding done" and now it has turned into "we have got to get out of here!" and both were/are chanted daily! :P