Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In desperate need of some romance
My husband and I have been together over four years and are newlyweds. Despite my pleas for about the past three and half years or so (once the honeymoon phase was over), my husband has not once bothered to try and make sex special for me. I have suffered from depression and a decreased libido in the past and had a hard time getting turned on, but even then, he would not make any extra effort. What I want is simple: some candles, some soft music and to take it slow. When I have attempted to create this scenario myself, it falls flat and I am left unsatisfied. We have a very open dialogue about how I feel my husband is selfish in bed, he promises he will make an effort, but I am still waiting. He has had plenty of opportunities (birthdays, anniversaries, our honeymoon!). I have kept the pressure off or simmering on low as much as I can, but I don't know what else to do. I want, just once, to be taken care of in the bedroom.
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Re: In desperate need of some romance
Posts like this make me want to bang my head against the wall.
You married a man knowing exactly how he was, now it is an issue for you.
If you wanted a romantic man you should have married one. You should never marry a man you are sexually uncompatable with.
You may have a very open dialogue, but obvisouly he isnt listening!
You c an try counseling, but i think you are trying to get blood from a stone. He isnt the romantic type, you knew it an d married him anyway.
What 'magsugar' said,.....
People who are selfish in bed are invariably selfish out of bed,.........so, if you knowingly married a selfish man it's on your head.....
However, if he's NOT selfish in all other respects but sex then it might be because he is intimidated about making love to a discerning woman who happens to be his partner. Remember that young men in western societies get no help or training in how to make love to women until they are actually in bed with one ! All of their early stimuli are about being strong and tough and sporting prowess and hiding their true feelings etc. So, it's not surprising that they are out of their depth making love to women.
Young men are wired very differently to women when it comes to sex,...a mans only important erogenous zone is the head of his penis and he likes it stimulated vigorously, preferably inside a woman without any preamble or preliminaries. Also, it's been said that 'a woman must feel love to enjoy sex and a man must enjoy sex to feel love'.
Perhaps yo need to start teaching him about your body and responses on the basis that if he does not learn you won't have sex anymore!........treat him to some vigorous sex whixh is ONLY for him,...plenty of penile friction with mouth and hands or between your breasts etc,...and then, when he's lying there getting his breath back, demand that he strokes and massages your body or make hime put his head between your legs and give him a lesson in female pleasure.
I am with everyone else: WYSIWYG: what you see is what you got.
He is what he is; some guys simply are not romantics -- and if it was important to you that a guy be romantic, you should have said goodbye when it was clear he was not a romantic.
The big kicker here is that he lip services you and comes up with nothing. That to mee is the big problem; he makes a promise but he doesn't keep it. That's a guy who has character problems.
And if your requests for more romance goes in one ear and out the other, I can imangine what life with him is like where you've spoken to him over and over again about other issues that he won't bother to work on with you. Again, this is a character problem and that supercedes the fact that this guy is not a romantic.
If he has consistently forgotten your birthday and anniversary and other dates important to you, that's a problem. It doesn't sound like this jerk gives much of a sh!t about anything at all: WHy did you continue dating this guy, let alone marry him?
He has never forgotten any of those dates. I stated he could have used one of those times as the perfect opportunity to set up the evening I've been craving.
I wondered if I might regret posting in this forum. Instead of advice and concern, I receive judgment and my husband being insulted. Awesome.
Don't expect any lover to INSTINCTIVELY know what is going to work for you in bed. Now is the time to give him clear instructions: "I know that we have discussed my need for romance in bed, but I thought I would make my desires really clear. I want to feel special. That is going to involve a little time and effort on your part. I have a list of sex scenes from movies and TV that have elements that really turn me on. I also really liked what you did that time (on our honeymoon, on that trip to the mountains). That was so sexy and exciting because you did _____________. And finally when you do _________, that just makes me melt. I'll take as much of that as you can manage!"
Now that you have made your needs clear, set up a schedule. Sorry, but NO ONE is going to have the time and energy to create a rose petal strewn bathtub and 2 hour massage sex fantasy every time you have sex. So you are going to have to be reasonable. Tell him that once a month (or six weeks or two months) you would like a special "date and romantic sex night".
To break it down: 1.) give him clear examples of the romantic scenarios you like, 2.) identify times when he has been romantic and given you the experience you crave and 3.) identify specific acts (nibbling on your ears, fondling your breasts in a particular way) that rev your engine *that he has done in the past* and praise him for them and ask for more.
No one wants to hear that they aren't doing it for their partner - every complaint will sound like a criticism and that makes NO ONE feel sexy. By making your needs clear and praising him for the things he does that work, you are giving him incentive to make your fantasies happen.
Get used to the fact he is not a romantic. Lots of guys are not, the same as lots of men are not.
There is a very good post on this board from a caring gent; he doesn't find his wife romantic. YOu might want to check that out; this seems to be somewhat of a common problem.
Action speak louder than words. Men also have a somewhat difficult way of communicating than women do; respect for who a man is and what he does for you ranks higher in importance than romance with men.
If you have a fantasy, a fetish or you want to try something, how about discussing it with him?
By that same token, if you're not comfortable with something, tell him. Why should you do something that might be illegal or you don't feel right participating in?
Why not try making up a wish list for your birthday, Christmas, dataversary, etc?
Put things on it that you would like in the way of romance: flowers, box of candy, etc. He should have no trouble complying with what you want.
I feel find that post, it would be interesting to see a man dealing with a similar situation.
My husband isn't one for grand gestures, so I suppose it could work to start him out slow, do one or two of the things I want, and then some another time, and build it up into one night.
Thanks for your advice.