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Porn ruined everything!
This will be a long post, and although I've discussed this with my husband, I still don't feel anything was resolved.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, although we've only been married for a year. We started dating in college, and of course, we had sex all of the time. I knew he looked at a lot of internet pornography, but I always figured it was normal, and although I wanted no part of it, it was fine as long as I wasn't around.
Fast forward to living together, I know he looked at it while I wasn't home, and I was fine with that. Then it started with him looking at it while I was taking a nap...and then looking at it when I was just in the other room. I started resenting him, and spoke up about how I felt that he was choosing porn over me.
About a year ago, I put a lock on our home computer so he has limited internet access, only for bank accounts, work, etc. He agreed because we thought he had a problem with porn. Our relationship improved, but not our sex life. It was still about 1 a week, with me always inititating it.
Now we don't have sex very often, we don't have children, and we both work. I find it hard to believe that I can have sex several times a week, and he only wants it once. I can rationalize it, thinking "well, his job is more physically demanding" so I let him take naps, I make him lunch and dinner, and when I'm home in the morning, his breakfast as well. I even give him rubs from time to time, but still no energy for sex.
When I'm in the mood, and he's not, I think "it's because I don't look like a porn actress." He's told me that he's very attracted to me, even more so than ever, but I think the scars are too deep now.
It's embarrassing and I don't feel sexy. I'm not sure I'm looking for advice, I'm just too embarrased to tell my family.
Re: Porn ruined everything!
So, you married a man and knew his porn habits(living together) yet still decided it was ok enough to marry him.
Then you locked the computer like a parent would do to a child. You do know there are other ways of getting porn?
If he isnt watching porn anymore why are you relating your trouble to the porn? doesnt figure to me. no porn= no sex in your case. most issues are porn= no sex, replacing sex with partner for porn.
i guess you can try counseling if you want.
YOu've got 2 separate issues:
You do not like his viewing porn
and
You somehow think he rather would view porn than have sex with you several times a week.
Have you ever seen a porn actress? they're nothing much to look at; their bodies aren't even the greatest. Stop comparing yourself to them.
Unless there is a bona fide problem with porn -- he's got an addiction would be the problem, I see nothing wrong with a guy viewing it. You also seem to be too controlling; I'd be good and resentful if somebody locked up a computer on me...btw, are you his wife or his mother? Sheesh!
A dime says YOU decided he had the problem, so that's why you locked the computer. And as the PP pointed out, there are other ways to access porn.
You and he have 2 different sex drives. That is how it is. You can either accept it or talk to him and tell him you want to have more sex with him; he needs to meet you halfway on yoru wishes. If he does not, there's a much bigger problem than his "substituting porno for sex"; it's a character flaw and it's also not giving a damn about what your needs are; both are zeros in my book.
I guess it wasn't a real problem until it started to hurt me.
The hurt began when our sex life dwindled, but the porn viewing didn't.
Question: Does his porn viewing *always* involve masturbating? Or does he just watch a lot of porn?
I would ask him how often he is masturbating to orgasm per week. Let's say he tells you he masturbates to orgasms every day. That is 7 orgasms by himself to 1 with you. Tell him that is the root of the issue. Yes, we can all understand that it is a lot less effort on the part of the man to have sex with his hand than it is to have sex with a woman. It is a rude thing to acknowledge, but there it is. He is giving more physical intimacy to his palm than he is to you. He needs to acknowledge that and then you should look him in the eye and say "You have seven orgasms with yourself and one with me. I have repeatedly asked you to have more sex with me -- and it doesn't happen. So what is your suggestion to solving this imbalance?" And then wait. And look straight at him while you are silently waiting for an answer.
And honestly, chances are that you wouldn't want to have sex every day. You are just feeling so sex starved that you think you will explode. You want more sex than you are having. That is enough. You initiate -- you expend effort to make this happen. You aren't being passive. Therefore you have to right to insist that your partner make an effort to meet your needs.
Part 2 in the next post.
So this is the brutally honest part...your relationship has probably run its course. Perhaps since you guys got together in college, he feels that he missed out on sex with lots of women and lives out those fantasies through porn. I don't know what is going on in his head.
But this lack of sex isn't probably going to change. Really. Your husband isn't going to look up from his computer screen, smack his forehead and say "I could've had sex with my wife!" I could be wrong, but I have rarely seen situations where the sex life revives when one person has checked out. And your husband *has* checked out of your sex life. He has to choose to come back to the sexual relationship.
Finally, you have the right to a mutually satisfying sexual relationship in your marriage. Your husband is having sex -- with himself. You can choose to stay in the marriage and be dissatisfied. Or you can create an open marriage and take a lover. You may find yourself happier in your marriage when you aren't frustrated with your husband's behavior. Or you can get a divorce and move on to a relationship with an adult male that is more fulfilling and leave your husband to his hand.
I'm afraid I may take a less practical, but hopefully more encouraging, point of view than some previous posters.
(Before I say anything, please don't assume that I'm a foolish dreamer with rose-colored glasses who hands out flowers at airports and sings campfire songs all the time. I am just someone who believes that people can change, and God can help them.)
I think that you two do need counseling. Very much. But from what I have learned, there is often an underlying issue that manifests itself in an unsatisfied sexual relationship. Maybe it's your body image, maybe it's his. Maybe it's his feeling patronized, or your need for control. Maybe it's his passivity or your confusion. It could be any or all of these, or something else entirely, but until you both agree to be completely honest with a third party who is willing to help you, be honest, and respect you both, I don't know if this can be resolved.
But with both of you committing to it, I believe it can be properly dealt with.
I do not think your marriage is over, but I do think it is coming to a fork in the road where these choices will result in dramatic changes one way or another.
I wish you both the best.
Porn was a problem during our dating relationship because he did masturbate every time and it came to a point that that was the only way he could ejaculate and that I could touch him or do whatever and he would respond significantly slower than if he was watching pornography. He was able to ween himself off of it b/c he realized how it was effecting our relationship and just him. Even after he cut himself off he still struggled and it came up years later in counseling and it's still something that may come up from time to time, but I know that he loves me and when it does come up we are able to both talk about it and acknowledge how we each feel and figure out what to do.
Not anything super solid, just what I know has helped
IMHO sounds like you don't like porn and that you have some insecurities you need to work through.
Why don't you get intimate with him while he is watching it?
I'm sorry to hear about this dilemma. It sounds very frustrating and painful. I would definitely second the advice to seek couples counseling. My husband and I were also together for 7 years before getting married one year ago, and I can say that even though he has never been a porn watcher, his sex drive is lower than it was in college (as is mine). Part of your husband's low sex drive may just be a natural occurance that has nothing to do with you or with porn. However, I would also say that it might be the case that since he may have had an addiction to porn, it was stimulating his sex drive for a long time. So when that "substance" was diminished, the thing it was related to (his sex drive) was probably also diminished. I definitely don't think this is something the two of you need to let stand in the way of a healthy relationship. Instead, he just needs to relearn life and relearn his sex life without porn. Unforunately, that might be a difficult thing to do on your own. Hence, couples counseling would probably really help.
I'm a doctoral student in relationship and sex psychology and I have a published journal article that you may find interesting. It's called "Viewing Sexually-Explicit Material Alone or Together: Associations with Relationship Quality." Here's the link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20039112
Also, I currently have a 20-30 minute online survey that explores the roles of sex and the quality of sex in relationships. Afterwards you'll receive individualized feedback about how your relationship stacks up against thousands of other relationships! Such research is beneficial to the participants and contributes to psychological knowledge about relationships to further help couples in need of guidance.
knot
I wish you all the best!
Girl, they will attack you and tear you down to the absolute core. I came on here looking for advice. Here is my advice to you:
Don't. Half of these women don't agree with your opinion. You don't know them and you shouldn't make a huge life decision based off of what these strangers have said. Yes, there will be some to give you fabulous advice and be on your side; still others just want to fight. I'm sorry that you've been hurt by porn. I was too and it's no wonder. We women want to hold a special place in our man's heart that no other woman can touch. Unfortunately, porn makes us feel robbed of that place and replaced with those who have no respect for themselves. It's an ugly part of life and it hurts. Don't give up on your man. Fight hard, but know it will hurt.
"Forgiveness costs you everything, and the other, nothing." but it makes you feel so much better.
Just out of curiousity, where is your Biblical support that watching porn is okay? I have seen many Christians (which I am assuming from your signature) that are totally okay with porn watching in a marriage. I just don't get it honestly and would like to hear from your side of things.