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In Law behavior
I am disappointed by a particular in law's behavior. She has been rude to my family, has been rude to my husband and is rude to her own relatives. She was rude at our wedding and gave a long speech mostly about herself and her accomplishments. She snapped at my mother a few times during the wedding about small things and friends of mine overheard her make unpleasant comments when things weren't going "her" way.
I think I am most bothered by the fact that she was rude to my family and even rude to her own family, which brought their mood down at the wedding. I have no desire to be around her as all she does is talk about herself, never letting you get a word in edgewise.
She is my husband's family however, and played a role in his life. He knows her "ways" and doesn't agree with them--but it seems neither he nor the rest of his family will firmly stand up to her. What to do? I want to approach her about her childish behavior at the wedding and hope that she will stop bringing the family down through her complaining, etc.
Re: In Law behavior
There will be nothing you can to to change her.
How old is this person?
If this is a young adult; it's a maturity problem. If this is an older adult, it's a testiness and stubbornness problem -- pretty much all of us have at least one older relative who is like this.
If she is not that close to you and your H, your best bet is to avoid her; you probably do not have to include her in family events.
You can't expect to sit her down and have her behavior change because you want it to.
You also can't go back in the past and make her be polite at your wedding. Since she is across the country from you, the best you can do is to not have any future contact with her.
she is an older adult, near same age as my husband's mother. seems as though these issues are deeply rooted for her. i know we will have to see her at family events when we visit--there will be no avoiding that as she is close to his mother. I just dont like to see his mother get hurt and manipulated by her -- and I dont appreciate the negativity at my wedding and with others.
would it be wrong to talk to my MIL about this in person?
First of all, it's not going to help. Your MIL is an adult and presumably she is aware of how the aunt acts. And if she hasn't done anything about it by now, then you are not going to be the hero who swoops in and encourages her to take a stand for yourself.
Second of all, these are your in-laws, not the family that you grew up with. You are just going to be seen as a nosy meddler if you stick your nose into their business.
No good is going to come of all this if you talk to your MIL about it. Just keep your mouth shut and avoid the aunt whenever possible. If you have to come into contact with her for whatever reason and she's rude to you or your family, quietly but firmly say, "Why would you say something so hurtful?" or "Don't speak to me/my family that way." And if she won't knock it off then just get up and leave without a word.
His mother has probably enabled he for years. Not likely it will ever stop.
She needs to speak up and tell her to stfu but that won't happen.
And if anybody manhandled, was nasty to or got under the skin of anybody in my family, you'd bet I'd have spoken up when it happened and told that person to stop immediately.
ITA and when it was happening was the time to call her on it. Let the wedding go since all it will do is tarnish the day. Remember the good, and remember in the future you are not obligated to allow her to be rude to you because she is your DH's aunt. I wouldn't bother about it now since she lives far away.
thank you for the advice. Maybride2, I think you were mistaken by what I said. I have no intention of fixing anything, changing old behaviors or influencing anyone--I actually am viewing this all in deep sadness for my husband's mother and how controlling the aunt can be over her and her family. That is all. I just have a hard time with manipulative people that do other people wrong--especially family and loved ones. I am so far from a person with an 'inflated sense of importance and influence'... just to clarify that--- I am just concerned and upset.
This is just a difficult situation and, yes, perhaps it is best for me to put it behind me and keep my mouth shut. But I will stand up for myself or my family if something is said in the future by his aunt. It's just a shame that people hold grudges or negativity deep inside and then take it out on others. I just hate to see his mother go from happy to upset because of something the aunt said or did.
Just because people are adults, doesn't mean they grow up, sadly.
I would not suggest confronting the aunt on her behavior. What do you think is going to happen? That she is going to say "oh, THANK YOU! Nobody has ever told me that my behavior is rude. I had no idea! Now that I know, I am going to change and be nicer and more loveable!"
You're lucky that she lives cross-country. That way, you can avoid her as much as possible. Tell your H he is in charge of all phone calls, emails, birthday and Christmas cards, birth announcements. He's a big boy, and she is his family. If she emails you, forward the email to your H and write "from your aunt."
You can't control your MIL or aunt, but you can control your own environment. You won't be able to avoid family parties, events (like weddings) or Christmas dinners, but you can tell your H that you don't want to spend your visits to the ILS entertaining his rude aunt. If she stops over for a visit, make yourself scarce or leave the house for a while. Refuse to visit at her house. You CAN be honest that you don't like her behavior, and that the trip is your vacation, you have better things to do with your time than visit with rude people who insult your family.
And you can avoid inviting her to your home. Refuse to have parties "for the other coast" for your major life events. Your home is where it is. You will not run to his family home for celebrations. They must come to you, or miss out.
If you host an event (like a baby shower, Christening) that H's family wants her to attend, put your foot down and tell your H that you will NOT invite anybody who has treated your family rudely, including his aunt. She will NOT be allowed to come unless someone has a talk with her and ensures she will behave. AND, if she ruins a party at your home, you will have a member of your family (or a friend) throw her out, no regrets, and then your H will have to cut her off until she apologizes.
Wow, are you sure this isn't MY SIL?? Exact same thing. Rude to my family, nasty to her own parents, big long speech about herself.
My husband also completely understands how she is and doesn't support it. However, while he has stood up to her when the time was right, it never gets much better and ultimately it's his sister. The reality is, she's not easy to deal with, she's not nice, and she's not going to change. This is who she has been her whole life. I bet it's the same with you.
In lots of ways I think it is HER parents' job to redirect her, but obviously that has never really happened the way it should. My mother even had a sit down with my MIL and tried to encourage her to step in with the behavior. There were tearful promises, but really they are cut from the same cloth. My MIL is just more passive aggressive.
After trying to find a way to fix something that I couldn't for the whole first year of marriage, I have simply distanced myself from her, and done my best to keep her from my family. When I am around her, I don't engage her and am responsive enough to be polite. If she complains or is nasty, I cut her off and excuse myself. If my family has to be around her, they do the same. Honestly, that is probably all you can do in a situation like this. Confrontation rarely fixes it. Good luck!
LOL stay out of it. it's DH's family and their place to speak to her-not yours. they've been around her for a lot longer than you and have chosen to deal wtih her how she is. if you don't want to partake-fine, don't have anything to do with her, but i think talking to her about her behavoir at your wedding is going to open up a huge can of worms.
what did DH say when you told him you're going to talk to her?
wow CA90310, yes our situations sound very similar. Thanks for the response. I did talk to my H about it and he supports me eventually talking to his Mother about it--calmly, on the side, when the time is right. More so just asking advice on how to deal with the aunt's rude comments, because that's just something I refuse to stand for. It's hurtful to his Mother and others.
I will try and distance myself as much as possible--I just dont want her to have to interact with any of my other family members ever again or for a long time so I dont have to be embarrassed about her behavior/comments and have to explain to my family "that's just how she is" and have them feel hurt or upset. Luckily, she doesnt live close--but I'm already dreading the holidays when we visit. But will do my best to ensure I stand up for myself and my H around her and if she's rude, excuse myself from the convo.