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The infamous no sex issue
I have seen articles and posts about this problem everywhere. I have read articles and posts and I am still at a loss of what to do. I am hoping I can get some help here. I apologize for the long post 
My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 9 month old and we maybe have sex once every 2 months (since he has been born). During the pregancy we did not fool around. That was fine because I knew she was not feeling well and was concerned the whole time about losing the baby since she had miscarriages. This problem started before the baby though. As soon as we got married sex became more and more infrequent. She only ever really seemed to be in the mood if she had a few drinks. She always complained about having to work and be tired or sick due to work so that was why she was not in the mood more often. Since it was working was affecting her health I took a different job so she could be a stay at home wife and things improved for a while. She felt better and was less stressed. Sex did not pick up though. Now that we have a baby she is back to being always tired (which I understand being a stay at home mom is tough) or she is sick. I try to help out as much as I can when I am home. I have a long commute to work but I get home around 4 so that I can spend time with the baby and give her a break in the evenings. I try to keep the romance alive by bringing home flowers, making her dinner, and when possible planning dates when we can find a sitter. I also take care of the baby all weekend so she can catch up on her sleep. I just don't know what else I can do. I am tired as well (waking up at 3am to get to work and fighting traffic on the long commute) but I still would like to have sex (not every day but 2-3 times a week would be nice). We have talked about it before and she always says she feels bad for me since she is always tired. Recently she said that I am too "in her face about sex". She also said that she gets intimacy from just cuddling on the couch and that should be enough. I am getting concerned because I am starting to feel like a friend instead of a husband. We were great friends before we got married but I think we need to be both friends and lovers for the marriage to work.
I forgot to mention that the baby has been sleeping through the night since the 4th month so I am not sure why she is not sleeping or can't sleep.
Sorry again for the long post. Any help or ideas would be appreciated.
Re: The infamous no sex issue
You say she keeps saying she feels sick or not well. You need to strongly encourage her to make an appointment with her doc and have a checkup. Go with her, describe to the doc yourself the symptoms you have seen. Ask them to run some blood tests. It could be a thyroid issue, it could be post-partum depression, it could be a wide range of physical issues.
I would also look into counseling for you and your wife, if nothing more than to clear the air or vent for both of you. Many companies have EAPs (Employee Assistance Program) that offer counseling sessions for free for a wide range of issues/concerns. It could be that all she needs is an ear to listen to her for a while. It would not hurt you either.
I wish you the best in your marriage.
I would ask her to get a complete physical. There may be hormonal or thyroid issues here and it might be the case here. She may be depressed. Who knows, but this is the best place to start.
It sounds like you are doing the right things to be supportive of her and promote romance in your marriage. Mad props to you. But since it isn't working, I think that some marriage counseling might be in order. Perhaps you are doing romantic things but they aren't the things that SHE considers romantic. Both of you should read "The 5 Love Languages" and discuss your specific love languages (how your receive love) with each other. Then you can talk about these things with a counselor and figure out what is going on.
Now she might just not be a sexual person. Sometimes in a marriage there is a bait and switch - one partner initially exhibits one behavior at the beginning of the relationship and then changes once the ring is on the finger. If that is the case, you are going to have to make a decision about whether or not to continue the relationship.
Thanks for the advice. She did get a checkup and they changed her thyroid medication. When I say sick she gets tummy issues due to nerves. So every day it is either her tummy is upset or she is tired. The doc told her to watch her eating but she does not.
I really hope it is not a bait and switch. I don't know if I could end the relationship. I don't think I could stand to be away from my son. Although I do not want him to be in an unhappy household either. I did suggest marriage counseling but she said "Why"?
I think I will speak with her again about counseling. I do not like feeling more like friends/roommates than hunsband and wife.
Your response should be "Because it is important to me. Because it is important to the health of our relationship. Because a healthy, mutually satisfying sex life is critical to a happy marriage."
And you need to take a look at your job schedule. Those hours are pretty brutal and that can take a toll on your emotional and physical health. If she is a SAHM, you guys might want to consider moving closer to your job to take some of the demand off of your shoulders.
Just a few thoughs from a SAHM:
Honestly, when your child is that young, the last thing on your mind is sex. Because you have a running to do list going through your head that never ends and you never leave where you work or your employer (the child). Also, it is hard to feel sexy when either having baby spit up or breast feeding and also being clung to all day. I have often had to tell my DH that I am "touched out" meaning that I got so much from carrying, holding, being grabbed or pulled, hugging and cuddling with DS that I need some time without being touched. And that first year is the toughest.
Is she isolated at home or does she get out?? I know that for me, I need to get out a lot with the kids or else I feel isolated and that leads to some bit of depression.
Also, is she feeling secure or insecure about her body? After giving birth, your body changes and sometimes I haven't felt very attractive myself and have asked my DH, "How could he possibly want this body?"
Because I was often in mommy mode and didn't know how to be in "sexy" mode, I found that I needed something before intimacy to take my mind off the children and onto my husband like watching a romantic movie or laughing together.
You'd be shocked but, my DH is always asking me now, what item he can take off my to do list. And you'd be amazed at how loving I feel towards him when he does that. He came home early last week and put both kids to bed so I could go to the gym and all I could think of was "wow he loves me!" You have to communicate with her and try to figure out what that is for her...maybe the flowers aren't perceived that way you want them to be.
There are sooo many issues surrounding this, but I think if you explain how important it is to you that you maintain your relationship and you don't want to just become mom and dad who are roommates and when the child leaves for college, you have nothing in common. Just make sure you come from a place of love and caring with it and repeat and assure her it is because she means so much to you.
I'm going to be honest - it sounds to me like she never really wanted a husband. She wanted someone who would take care of her financially and provide her with a baby. She got what she wanted.
You are her meal ticket, her sperm donor, and her babysitter.....congrats.
I'm not sure what to suggest to make things better. Counseling could at least open up communication, but it's not going to magically make her want a husband or a normal spousal relationship with you.
Seriously, was that called for?
I am going to jump on this bandwagon.
I am not going to throw depression out of the window either. Depression can lead to low libido, lack of sleep at night and being tired in the morning.
Counseling will help and I also think she may need to just get back into touch with herself. Common with having a child and you sound like you want to be patient and understand it all. . . Sit down and have a heart to heart with her about how she feels just about herself. Give her a chance to vent out to you. It will take time, but the rewards are worth it!
None of this is boding well for you, your marriage or your relationship:
Thanks for the advice. She did get a checkup and they changed her thyroid medication. When I say sick she gets tummy issues due to nerves. So every day it is either her tummy is upset or she is tired. The doc told her to watch her eating but she does not.
This is just foolhardy: what kind of mature, responsible adult doesn't take care of their health, let alone not bother to heed a doc's orders?
Unfortunately, plenty. I can tell you lots about a guy I know who still refuses to obey doc's orders and he has health problems a-plenty at age 51.
It looks to me like sex was not important to her; sheesh -- this almost borders on fraud; she marries you and then more or less lets you know the sex department is closed?
As soon as we got married sex became more and more infrequent. She only ever really seemed to be in the mood if she had a few drinks. She always complained about having to work and be tired or sick due to work so that was why she was not in the mood more often.
The horse is out of the barn but when you were dating and you discovered sex wasn't important to her, you should have ended the relationship.
I really hope it is not a bait and switch. I don't know if I could end the relationship. I don't think I could stand to be away from my son. Although I do not want him to be in an unhappy household either. I did suggest marriage counseling but she said "Why"?
Are you serious? She's also in denial that there is a problem between the 2 of you!
She wants to know "Why"? Well, I'd let her KNOW "why" and in very graphic and to the point unsugarcoated details.
I think I will speak with her again about counseling. I do not like feeling more like friends/roommates than hunsband and wife.
I would let her know that counseling is a must if she wishes the marriage to continue.
I second the doc's checkup.
IT's probably high time for her annual anyway -- and I am also guessing since she's more or less rarin' to go for sex after a few drinks she's probably very normally reserved about sex; what kind of a home was she brought up in?
I'm willing to bet her parents were very reserved and sex was something that was never discussed and/or there were very old school attitudes toward sex and all things sexual.
I can also suggest that you suggest she masturbates. My guess is she's never done it before; this is the only way she's going to find out what turns her on and what makes her orgasm.
She could be uber tired from taking care of a kiddo all day or she may have a secondary medical condition that's contributing to her fatigue. She needs a doc's checkup to get down to the bottom of what the problem is. It could be anything from anemia to chronic fatique syndrome to hormone imbalance after pregnancy to a low grade infection (a few suggestions; there are many other causes). Again -- she needs a checkup from a doc.
Why don't you make the medical checkup a "couple activity"? You make an appointment the same time she does; make it more or less something you and she can *do together*.
That she really wasn't into sex before can pretty much mean anything. Maybe sex is not important to her. Maybe she's got a bunch of hangups and issues, thanks to very reserved and old school parents -- maybe it's both.
Maybe she's using this as a ruse and she has decided "no more sex." Again, you need to talk to her and get to the bottom of what's going on.
If she checks up and no medical problem is underlying and you've spoken to her about anteing up in the bedroom and she's promised and still nothing, it's going to have to be up to you to decide which way to proceed at that point. Sure, you understand that she's a busy mother but hey: you have needs TOO and you'd like some affection and some sex and your needs need to be met. You did not marry to become a celibate roommate or "just friends." Good luck.
Thanks to everyone for the advice/insights. I guess one of the things that bothers me is that prior to marriage sex was not an issue. It was all the time. Also we were basically best friends first so I know quite a bit about her sexual history and the fact that she has her own "toys" to take care of herself. I guess that is part of what bothers me, since I know her history I start thinking "what did these guys have that I don't"? I also have been trying to do more and more around the house to help out when I get home. I could probably do more but when I get home from work I want to spend time with the baby before he goes down. I usually feed, bathe, and read to him at night just to spend time with him.
She has mentioned that she doesn't feel sexy. The doctor has told her that she needs to start exercising and eating better but she doesn't. I work out in the morning before work and asked her if she would like to work out with me and she said no. She does have time during the day when he goes down for naps (he has 2, 2 hour naps) but she ends up just watching TV. I told her that for me when I work out I end up getting more energy and I understand how tough it is to get started.
The thing that I really don't understand is she has already started talking about wanting another child. I don't want one now due to the situation. I don't want sex to just be for children. Also if she is this tired now I am not sure how she would handle two. Should I tell her that too? I have not told her that yet.
I think that counseling is the next step. I also hope she starts following the Doctors orders soon...
My opinion would be different if she stopped having sex with him only after she had the baby - then I could get on board with the post partum depression and poor body image. But she stopped wanting to have sex 2 years ago, citing depression due to her job (which didn't go away after she convinced OP to support her being a SAHW).
It honestly does look like she wanted a certain lifestyle, and she got this guy to give it to her. Doesn't matter that you find it offensive.
Also we were basically best friends first so I know quite a bit about her sexual history and the fact that she has her own "toys" to take care of herself. I guess that is part of what bothers me, since I know her history I start thinking "what did these guys have that I don't"?
This could be the biggest line of bullshit she cooked up just to make it look good for her --- it's kind of like the blowhard guy who talks endlessly about sex and how many wimmen he had swinging from the chandaliers...but in essence there are no women at all. He's as celibate as a choir boy.
If she didn't care about sex when she was dating you, you can bet she didn't care about sex when she was dating other guys. A person is what he or she is right now.
And she wants another kid.
I'll be blunt: HELL NO to that --- your marriage is on shaky ground and I see no point in TTC when your marriage is very problematic. There is a disconnect with sex; you bet your marriage has problems. It's not the time to conceive at all whatsoever.
It's not likely she'll start following through with her doc --- a patient is only as good as the rules he or she follows. A physician can't do it all: it has to be up to the patient.
You're making excuses for her. "oh she's beent tired she's this she's that" -- she won't go to therapy? I strongly suggest YOU go.
There's a big disconnect here with sex and all you are getting is lip service. Like I said, she gets a deadline to start anteing up in the bedroom and if she doesn't, say goodbye to her. And as I also said, you didn't get married just to be a celibate roommate.
You already have a dreadfully unhealthy environment, thanks to her ice cold attitude toward sex -- I would not bring another child into it. I'd make that clear to her immediately.
And as the PP pointed out, I will bet you she's hotter than a fuse and puts out like a rabbit in the quest for this second kid.
I think it's pretty clear that you and she are sexually incompatible. You were from the very start. You could follow my suggestions (you give her a deadline to start anteing up, you have her go to counseling with you AND you make it a must that she start taking care of her health, posthaste) or you could simply decide to pack it in and file. The choice is yours.
If you stay wtih her in this horribly unhealthy marriage, it'll eat away at your self esteem and your self worth and it will also have an affect on how you view yourself as a sexual person. You're going to get resentment that will build and that's pretty much a sinking ship with no rescue right there.
Why you pursued her and kept dating her when you knew what she was like in regard to sex, only you know. I am guessing you liked her very much and you thought she was fabulous. As you can see, love doesn't conquer all.:(
Put yourself FIRST.
And if you choose to go your separate way, find yourself a woman who finds you absolutely incredible in every department, sex included. YOu're a nice guy and a decent person; that makes you an excellent catch right there. Too bad your wife is in danger of losing you. GL.
First of all, it sounds like you're very supportive and understanding, which is what your wife needs right now.
As a woman with sexual issues, I can somewhat understand what your wife is going through. It sounds to me like she is not being honest with you about what the REAL issue is, and that may be for a number of reasons. Perhaps she's not being honest with herself about the problem. Or, she might be aware of it but feel self-resentment because she knows that it's causing problems in your marriage, and that could cause her to deny the problem and not want to discuss it.
The problem might be that she doesn't *feel* sexy. You can help with this by helping her with the grocery shopping and cooking (making sure to buy and cook healthy foods) and offering to go for walks with her (or other forms of exercise that you both enjoy - my fiance and I love playing Frisbee and hiking, for example). You have to approach this carefully, and make it clear that you find her attractive, but you're worried that she doesn't feel like she's attractive.
Someone mentioned counseling earlier, and you said that she was not interested. Perhaps you should see a counselor on your own to discuss these issues, and then, on a future visit, ask her to come in with you to support you. She might be more open to helping you than she would be to getting counseling for herself.
I would not offer an ultimatum - "either we have sex or the marriage is over" - because that will just cause further damage. Obviously, it's a problem that needs to be solved, and it will take time and understanding. If it turns out that she has no interest in solving the problem, then perhaps you should explore other options.
One possibility, and I mention this only as a last resort (and I know I will receive criticism for saying this, but sometimes a man's sexual needs simply cannot, or will not, be met by the wife), would be to see if she would be open to you being physically intimate with other women. (Obviously, you know how open-minded your wife is, and if she would just get angry at you for saying that, then don't bring it up!). I'm not saying this because I think it's okay to break the marriage vows; I just think that it would be better to save the marriage in the long run in this way than to end the marriage because of this issue. I also don't think that you should see other women behind her back - if this is the only option, it needs to be done openly. Of course, it is entirely likely that she will not be okay with this, but perhaps it will help her realize how important this is to you.
many women have issues once they become a mom - b/c they feel like a mom 24 hours a day - and a mom is not something sexy, or someone who does "dirty things" like have sex, etc... it's hard to switch out of mom mode into wife mode.
do you and your wife cuddle or touch much - that is not about sex? that was a problem with my husband and me- we stopped touching all the time like we used to - and only really touched for sex.... and b/c i don't want it much - i avoided touch b/c i didn't want to lead him on.
We talked about it and decided to re-learn how to be affectionate without it leading to sex - and we're taking a month long break from sex- and trying to touch, snuggle, hold hands more, etc - this way there is no worry about it leading to sex and not being in the mood, etc. It's been going well.
you need to help her feel more like a wife... so she can turn the switch and not feel like a mom during those times. Tell her what is sexy about her... snuggle with her and tell her it's not about sex- you just love her, etc
I used to the same as your wife, almost exactly. Even down to the excuse. Stomach trouble. Even without kids, women can always come up with some excuse. But the truth is, is that if she's not willing to work on it, then she doesn't seem to value your relationship. Sex is a crucial aspect of a healthy marriage. My husband did everything perfect...that still didn't make me want to have sex with him. We sat down and had a BRUTALLY honest discussion about our sex life. We basically decided that it was boring, and not as good as it could be. It was very hard to tell my husband that I didnt enjoy sex with him, but after I did, he said, " I wish you would have just told me sooner...I would have worked on what you like". It was that easy. We've definitely done couples counseling...and I honestly believe every couple in the world would benefit from it. But it takes two. Like I said. Marriage takes work. You can't just sit back, and hit cruise control. You'll crash and burn. There are a hundred details to this long story that I won't go in to (chronic illness, an affair, etc.)......but the point is, is that we both made the decision to WORK on it. And we have, and it has literally gotten 1000% (yes, one thousand) better! For me, since I have a hard time getting in the mood, I started reading romance novels. Through a lot of discussion...we discovered that I responded very well to the written word ( like a guy that responds to watching porn ). So I read my little romance novels...and it gets me "in the mood". It seems like you're doing everything you can. You are perfectly justified in expecting a sexual relationship with your wife. It's a basic function of life in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. If you're not getting it there.....you're gonna get it somewhere. Maybe you need to lay it out. "Honey, I'm not happy with our marriage. If you love me, and want to spend your life with me, this is what needs to be fixed.....". And if she's not willing......well, then there's your answer. Communication is the key. :0)