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Would you say something?
So I am still mulling this over ... thought I'd get some opinions from people much nicer than me!
I always say (and believe!) that people's weddings should be exactly like they want them to be. Don't force something to fit just because you're Supposed To. Don't worry about other people ... it's your day.
My sister got married this weekend. I love my new BIL, the wedding was beautiful and perfect for them, it was great fun. My sister is renowned for her kindness and positive attitude. I always say that woodland creatures help her get dressed in the morning. She is extraordinarily close to my parents and our brother. She also has a debilitating illness that she manages with a lot of grace.
So ... people love her. I love her, of course.
But ... at her wedding, my parents spoke, my brother spoke, the groom's parents and sister spoke and my sister's two best friends spoke. These were prepared speeches requested by the bride/groom. Basically, everyone was asked to speak except me. (In fairness, I guess they did ask me to do a reading at the ceremony, then told me they'd decided against it.)
The night before the rehearsal dinner, our entire family got together at my parent's house ... about an hour away from me. We had relatives fly in from all over the country who gathered there ... but I didn't hear about it until after the wedding.
After her bridal shower (that an aunt she's very close to, and I'd like to be closer to, threw for her), I told her that I'd love to go out for dinner with the family before said aunt left for home. That it would mean a lot to me. My sister called me later that day and said that just she and her fiance would be taking our aunt to dinner.
Every time I see her, she seems thrilled to see me. She'll call me and invite me to breakfast, and seems genuinely excited that I live closer now. Except that she seems to be keeping me at an arm's length from the family.
I honestly feel very snubbed by her! It's just bizarre.
What do you think? Am I too sensitive? Should I say something?
Re: Would you say something?
I was going to say that I'd let go of the speech at the wedding thing because it could have been an honest oversight. There are so many details to a wedding that I could easily see that falling between the cracks.
The other stuff though is weird, especially the whole family GTG without you. Did your parents not think to invite you? Did anyone in the family ask where you were? I guess I just don't understand how your sister could be keeping you from the rest of your family--how can she have that power?
As for lunch with your aunt, maybe she and BIL felt like they needed to treat her to a meal as a thank you for hosting the shower and didn't want to pay for another plate? Or maybe they just wanted a private thank you. I wouldn't make too big a deal out of this one either.
So, really, I guess to me it's just the big family GTG that you weren't invited to that I find really, really odd. I do think if all these things are really bothering you it's worth talking out rationally with your sister. These things have a tendency to fester and blow up over nothing otherwise.
I would say something about the family GTG that you weren't invited to. My feelings would be really hurt by that and I would have to bring it up and just see what their thoughts were and why I wasn't invited. I would probably ask my parents too since it was at their house. RnV is right, things like that tend to fester and unless it was resolved or at least explained, I would have a hard time letting that go.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Hugs.
Ditto this. I would ask your parents first. The other stuff I can see a rational explanation for, but this one is just weird.
Agreed.
Thanks everyone! Good advice.
I think I will just chalk the wedding stuff up to preoccupation, and let it go. And I will make an effort to speak up in the future so that issues don't fester like this.
I definitely echo the suggestions/thought above.
I'll throw one other thought out there, just to play devil's advocate. I have no clue if it would even apply in your situation, so take it for whatever it's worth.
My youngest brother tends to not get invited to family gatherings as much. It's not because our family doesn't like him. It's because he's declined invitations so frequently (or just failed to show up) that I think people have just kind of "given up" on him. He also doesn't make much effort to keep in touch with people. So I think that he tends to get "forgotten", even though it's not intentional or malicious.
I've even been on the receiving end of it. I've gone through some things in the past few years that, for a variety of reasons, had me pulling away from a lot of people in my life (not because I didn't want to be around them, but because I was in a dark place and didn't have the energy for other people, or because they were involved in the situation in a way that made it difficult to be around them). I noticed that after awhile they stopped inviting me to things as well (for instance, they'd invite my middle brother over for a BBQ or something, but I wouldn't get a call). And when my Great Uncle passed away last year, I didn't find out until AFTER his funeral. I was really upset about that because I would have wanted to attend his service. But, it was during a period where I had really pulled away from most people, so I guess I'm not surprised. What I've taken from that is that if I want to be sure to be involved in things, I need to put forth the effort to build and maintain the relationships so that I don't get forgotten.
However, in your case, it does seem extra crappy that your parents wouldn't invite you to their home for the gathering the night before the rehearsal dinner. I'd definitely talk to them about it, tell them you felt disappointed (maybe they didn't think you'd want to be there?), and see what their rationale for that was. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps they just invited your sister because those people were there for your sister's wedding, and your parents/sister wanted to make sure your traveling family members had extra face time with her...
Same. I think this advice is great, and I hope you can resolve it quickly!
I think there was some good advice in there and I'd probably also suggest speaking with your parents first, and I would try to do it in a way that doesn't stir up too much drama.
Then I'd think about how far you want to take it b/c it could turn into a larger issue than you want it too. So, I'd pick my battle carefully and then try to handle it very carefully. While the wedding is over, any criticism could still be blown out of proportion.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I'd feel hurt too. I know that we don't have to do every little thing together as a family but family gatherings during wedding times is a pretty big deal in my book. ((hugs to you))
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