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Dysfunctional M/D Relationship has me wondering
For those who recall, my mother & I have a 'dysfunctional relationship', let's call it. For those who don't know, as my counselor put it: a 'Failure to Protect Mother' .
We'd gone without talking for over a year & I was working my way into Forgiving her for the devestating situations she put not only me, but others in. I called her Mother's Day & spoke for a few minutes. Again a few weeks later, I called to talk to my younger sister & she answered so we spoke a few minutes then, too, about how DH & I moved across the country again.
The other day I called to speak with my younger sister about her soccer tournament & church trip to D.C. & my mom answered. It was the usual introduction: "Hey. What's going on? How have you been?" This time, she didn't come back with the typical dismissive answer of "You know.. fine. The usual." instead, she told me that she's not been doing well & that the doctors found some masses in her breast (her mother passed in her early 40's from Breast Cancer), her heart problems have gotten progressively worse, she has been diagnosed with emphazima, & is due for surgery on her stomach in the next few weeks. The doctors placed her on all types of meds, totalling around 12 or more in a given day. My mom is only 46 with the health of a person nearing 60 +.
Hearing this news, I'm extremely concerned, obviously. We haven't gotten along these past few years & I'm caught trying to figure out how to make this work without pushing it. I want the relationship to be positive, but it's hard when all she seems to be talking about is The End, & how my older sister, 'B' & my former stepdad, 'G' are the only 2 who could 'pull the plug' if it came own to it. I'm concerned about her, but also my younger sister, 'A' because before my mom & I had it out & stopped talking, she had randomly told DH & I (on numerous occassions) that if anything happened to her, she wants A to come live with us, which DH & I agree. Now that things really aren't going well, I do want to know her plans to have A looked after. I can't bring myself to open that can. I don't know how to approach it & I don't want it to blow up in my face.
Any advice on how to handle future conversations with her & how to keep it light & positive & not so morbid, but to address the real issues? *tia & sorry the post is so long*
Re: Dysfunctional M/D Relationship has me wondering
Wow, this is really rough. Not only have you had a shaky relationship with your mother, she's now apparenly has health problems -- that's a lot for a 46 year old -- and your sis is more or less caught in the middle of this maelstrom. I'm sorry.
If your sis is to come live with you, you'll need an attorney's advice, at the very least -- things also need to be taken care of on a legal level.
You might want to talk to an atty on your own -- and the advice of a social worker would be good too; you've got a lot on your plate. Wishing you the best.
I don't understand what you mean when you use the term "forgiving" her for what she has done. If she hurt you, than I think you need to be honest with yourself that she hurt you and not put yourself in a situation that she will be able to do that again. However, even though she hurt you in the past, I think you can move forward and have some type of relationship with your mom. People are human and we all disappoint the ones we love. Some of us learn from it and change our behaviors, others do not. We have to be judge of around who we put ourselves out there and how we put ourselves out there.
I hope this makes sense. I'm basically trying to say that you can have a relationship with your mother, but you need to recognize that it may not be the relationship you had hoped/wished or wanted it to be. It doesn't mean you can't have something different with her though.