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How to handle family perceptions and dysfunctionality *long*
Prior to getting married I knew my husband didn't have the best relationship with his family. Whenever he and his mother are on bad terms, she bullies his siblings to not talk to him as well. She even went as far as encouraging his brother to get married on the same day as our wedding was scheduled, and to tell us to change our dates when we were engaged first and asked the brother to be our best man.
So I know there are issues. I will admit, my husband can be a bit much to handle: he gets on his high horse about religion, relationships, and lifestyles... and in turn because many of my family members are very laid back and not as outspoken they just let him rant and rave, then move on.
Lately, I have noticed my family does not reach out to me to do family activities. Their excuse is that I'm married and I'm always with my husband...well duh, I'm supposed to. I married him and we are supposed to bond and all that fun stuff. Recently my aunts, sister and cousin rented a beach house and did a week long girls vacation. I was devastated that I was not invited; they said, we didn't think he'd let you go. WTF???? Seriously, did you think to even ask me or just assumed he would want to go.
My sister and father have both said, he can be a bit mouthy...I've asked him to tone it down, but he feels as if I'm siding with them. It's really not a matter of sides, but more a matter of respecting my family. They've really tried to embrace him and make him part of the family, but he's pushing them away with his holier than though attitude. I tell him no one is perfect, but I think he is just so used to having a fight and being done with folks that he cant discuss a topic and then be "friends" again...he harbors ill feelings always....
Re: How to handle family perceptions and dysfunctionality *long*
Your husband is rude and boorish (and am I right to suspect that he is also bigoted?), and your family prefers to spend as little time as possible with him. Not only is that their right, that is a completely normal reaction.
Now, you know they prefer not to spend time with them, so if it's important to you to still see them more then proactively set up times to see them without your husband in tow.
I do have to ask why in the world you would marry someone this like though.
So... they tell you what the issue is and you choose to ignore it. THEN you wonder why they don't invite you on a week long girls trip.
You can't have it both ways. Either you're available to do stuff on occasion w/o your DH, or you aren't. And you've kind of told them that you aren't available. So... why would they invite you on a week long trip that they know (based on your own words) you won't come to anyhow?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It sounds like a "like mother, like son" kind of situation. Both bullies, both intent on getting their own way, no matter the repercussions... both hard to get along with, both manipulative and controlling.
If his attitude is really "holier than thou" I have to wonder, what appeals to you about him? What are his positive traits? Because to me, that would be a deal breaker. I really have a problem with the "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude...
I have to add this.... in a "normal" world, it would actually be horrible for your family to be actively excluding your DH from activities. And you even say that they have tried to embrace him and make him a part of the family.
If after all this, your family actually actively excludes your DH (and you in turn when they dont' invite either of you), you really need to examine this and think about it.
While you seem to be aware of what your DH is like, you seem to have blinders on at the same time. Somewhere in this is an acceptance on your part of how he acts. And I wonder the same thing - why exactly did you marry a man like this? What was the attraction?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't like to jump to things...but have you ever thought of asking your H if he'd be up for individual counselling? Your H sounds like he has some issues in dealing with different people and an issue with being controlling (sounds like it has a lot to do with the way his mom treats other people too) and it's effecting the way you are with your family too. If something doesn't change with his mindset you are going to find yourself more and more secluded from family and friends and be stuck there with only him bullying you into what else you should think or do. If not counselling for him, marriage counselling for both of you and see what is suggested.
You can't control other people.
Repeat, you can't control other people. Repeat again.
So, before you say, "Yes, I know but ... ", please repeat that phrase a few times.
This is the way your husband is and he's not going to tone anything down. Never. Your family is going to avoid him, that's actually the polite thing to do when someone adds this sort of element to a gathering. Just because you look past it, doesn't mean they have to. You are wasting your time if you think you can get your DH to change or to get your family to be more tolerant to include you. Forget it.
If you want more invitations then get busy being proactive. The ONLY person you control is yourself. You have to be the one to reach out. You have to be the one to accomodate their schedule. Take this opportunity to let each and every person know that you would have ACCEPTED an invitation to a girls get-away and hope to be invited next time. And then, do the hard work to coordinate one.
Then ask some difficult questions and LISTEN really hard to the answers. Maybe part of this problem is you. I say that gently, but the whole problem may not rest 100% on your mouthy DH. Do you contribute to any part of this? Are you hard or difficult to be around, even in a too-nice way? Do your sister and cousins get along in a way that you don't. That is perfectly okay. They don't owe you an invitation to everything they plan to do - many, many thing play into such plans - finances, number of rooms, personailities, time off. So you don't have to take offense just because you weren't included, but you should ask some hard questions (and listen VERY hard) if you want to be included again.
And maybe the best thing might be to find a circle of friends to build some relationships with that aren't so put-off by your DH.
Hmmm...this sounds like my stepdad. NOONE likes to be around my step-dad. We only tolerate him out of respect for my mom. It is your responsiblity to act as the mediator between your husband and your family. YOU need to let him know that there is no side to choose - you are all one family. HE needs to change his attitude. But YOU need to tell him so. I agree with the other posters. Your family doesn't invite but they have told you why. Does he control you? Would he have "allowed" you to go? I think you need to self-reflect. Perhaps, marriage counseling would be beneficial.
I have addressed my concerns with my mother flat out. My step dad is vulgar, controlling, opinionated, negative and a mean drunk. In a nutshell, he is an azz. Whenever my family is getting together - my mother sits down with him and goes over the rules. She stresses the importance of having family in their lives and that he better behave.
Knowing and admitting that your husband is an azz is not enough. If you want to have a relationship with your family - then you need to have a heart to heart with your husband or do things without him. Your family does not have to put up with his crap and you should not expect them to.
It sounds like your husband's paradigm for family relationships is lots of tension and lots of drama, and as a result he is not close to his family, nor does he wish to be.
So he's taking this high-tension, high-drama style to your family relationships, and your family is quietly disengaging. They aren't asking you to choose between spending time with him and spending time with them; they know and you have confirmed that invitations to you must include him, so they choose to invite neither of you.
I do have to agree with those who've asked what the attraction is. A grown man who lacks the basic manners and courtesy not to air controversial opinions at family gatherings and who takes offense at perceived slights doesn't seem to be marriage material to me.
If your family are the sort of people who truly love you and want the best for you, and they can't stand to be around him, it's quite possible they're seeing something you don't about him and/or your relationship.