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Sister & BILs divorce - UPDATE
Not sure I should really call this an update or not as I haven't written anything about it since January. I hope this link works, if you want to catch up. I don't know how to make it a clicky, not on here enough.
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/47267200.aspx
This will be long as I'm not sure how to best explain it. A lot has happened since my last post. In April, they finished the divorce paperwork. Was going to be sent in. Come to find out at the end of June, she never sent it. Sister and BIL have gotten along better, spending time with their kids, etc. I watched their two girls overnight the beginning of June. Sister (I thought) said she was probably going to do something with her girlfriends. Come to find out, she went to the drive-in with BIL. Around this time, my other sister, my parents and I all started talking about how we think they are going to get back together.We have family dinners at my parents every Sunday. Has never changed. Sister has missed more dinners in the last 7 months than ever.
Father's Day, we are at my parents for dinner. Sister is there without the kids because she works night at a hospital and she wouldn't have time to have dinner and drop the kids off at BILs. Anyway, she announces only to my mom that they are thinking about getting back together but they haven't told the kids yet. My mom asked if that was a wise decision. Sister walked out of the room and hasn't spoken to my mom since. All my mom is looking for is an explanation. Like any parent, she wants her daughter to be happy and make the best decisions. But she probably isn't going to get it. We really didn't get an explanation for the divorce besides she wasn't happy for years. Which is a good reason. No one needs to know specifics. We are going to Vegas next week and Sister is staying in my parents room. My mom did write her a letter sometime last week. I delivered it to my sister this morning as she watches my kids. I only did it because she isn't talking to my mom.
I would be truly happy for my sister if that is the case. BIL and I do not get along, never really have. Just civil towards each other. My DH doesn't like him too much either. He's a bigot, racist, loud mouth, swearing all the time person. He believes everyone owes him. Matter of fact, my extended family doesn't care too much about him either. When sister told my aunt that they were divorcing, she said we've sent that coming for a while.
I guess I'm just looking at opinions on what to do. She's my sister who is withdrawing from family. I believe she realizes that no one really likes him, but we don't have to, she does. She doesn't go out with friends at all anymore when they have monthly dinners. She doesn't want to bring it up because we will ask questions. Immediately she gets defensive. That is why no one has asked. All we want to know if they are getting back together and the situation. We don't need details.
Re: Sister & BILs divorce - UPDATE
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/47267200.aspx
(Hopefully that makes the link clicky.)
There's no law that says that you have to like your BIL, and I can certainly see why you wouldn't. And there's no law that says that your sister has to be at every family dinner.
Being civil and allowing her to come to you with updates (e.g. not you asking for them) is really the only way to go. Eventually, they will make a decision and let the family know.
Thanks for making it clicky!
Thank you also for the advice. I do hope she does come to us when they make a decision. Its just hard when she was always around and now its like she's in hiding from everyone. I always thought that if you were happy about something, you would tell the world!!!!
I didn't get this vibe from your previous post, but I kind of get it here.... I'm wondering if your family is a little TOO into each other lives, and if this is a reason as to why your sister is kind of w/drawing and also freaking out.
While in both the other post and this one, we can say she seems kind of like a drama queen, at the same time, if your family is a family that "needs" to know what's going on and asks questions about it - she might not know how to react other than to over-react in order for anyone to actually back off.
You say that you all don't need "specifics" or "details", but yet you expect to know something. I'm honestly wondering, though, if she feels like she can't give you all an inch because then you'll want a mile....
I could be off base, but this is something I"m picking up from this post. Especially if she knows you all really don't like BIL all that much. That may be even more reason she's shutting down.
Just putting it out there as food for thought.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And I guess we might be. I shouldn't speak for my entire family but I would like to know if they are getting back together and that's it. If she's happy, then great! I think we are all a little confused because she wasn't happy for over 2 years. Maybe he's changed or she has. I believe their biggest marriage problem was that he wasn't involved with the kids, like nothing. He had a very short temper, especially with them. She did everything. And now he is doing a lot more. Involved with school and sports. I feel that now that he hasn't been living there for 7 months, he doesn't have the stress with raising them. He has them twice a week and every 3rd weekend.
I honestly think my family and I do have to give her space and figure things out. But does that mean she can't come around anymore? I think that if they get back together, he won't come around and she won't that often. That is what is really hard for me. And probably my mom. She's very hurt over this. I've always confided in my family for their opinions and value them. It may take a while to understand them, but I get it. She's not even wanting to hear anything, positive or not about it.
Maybe she doesn't even know that yet and just doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't owe you guys an explanation and she doesn't even have to answer that question if she doesn't want to. Next time you see her or talk to her, don't bring that up, not at all. She isn't comfortable talking about it, so all of you need to drop it.
The theme I've noticed in both posts is that your sister has a short fuse and is readily willing to act attacked when the smallest question is asked of her. There is a reason for that, either you guys are too intrusive or she is a drama queen.
I can't tell if your sister was really struggling and tested the waters by confinding in your mother about a marital reconsiliation and got hurt and offended when your mother's first response was "Is that wise?" because she's struggling ... of if she deliberately isloated your mother to unload the news and flipped out to put her and all of you on notice that she will accept nothing but complete acceptance of her decision without question - or face her anger and cold shoulder.
All in all, I think you are describing a family that talks about things with a genuine desire to help each other. Yet you seem shocked that she has zero interest in talking anything through. Over and over you describe surprise and belwilderment at her actions. I think you just have to admit that your sister has a VERY different approach to how much she wants to involve her family and how little input she desires.
At some point, you are going to have to stop being surprised by her actions and just realize that this is the way she is.